My Valley of Humiliation is rearing its head to meet me tonight. Sgt. R. and I had a blazing row last night over the Boss and the CO - he was accusing me of accusing the CO of accusing the Boss. A kind of confusing trail.
I believe the Boss to be innocent. I know the CO has backstabbed the Boss, and so have the sgts, which has given me a problem with the CO and a feeling of insecurity with the sergeants.
The last thing that really made me lose my temper with the CO was hearsay, along with circumstancial evidence; not much to be relied on. It was Saturday I really lost my temper with him; a touch of circumstancial evidence put the finishing touch to a deep seated problem I already had. (We were doing a main event which only the Boss and the hard core of the Squadron - as was then - had been at last year, working our hands off. It was the first big event only us six had shown up at, and we had worked pretty closely. The memory was painful. I had tried to back out of going anyway, but an ex-cadet was there I wouldn't get to see again and also the CO had "ordered" me to go.) I was in tears. Trying to fight them and not succeeding. I was doing something and Sgt. R. came with me to hurry it up as they were waiting to do drill, and I said through sobs that sometimes I thought I almost hated the CO. I spent the rest of the day avoiding him - the CO - as much as possible, even to the point of avoiding a CI who (I thought) came to scold me for walking off when he beckoned me. The CO was concerned by my strange behaviour; he called me off to the side and wanted to know what was wrong with me because I'd seemed distant since we got there. I gave as brief answers as possible and left as soon as he allowed.
I was quite frigid with him over texts, too, for the next two days, cracking my first joke since with him yesterday - to which he appeared relieved.
I apologised to Sgt. R. Sunday night for saying that I hated the CO.
I wanted to offer an apology though for what I said yesterday. About hating the CO. It's not that I hate him. I like him. But I'm really struggling with that and my strong loyalty to the Boss. So yeah, sorry about saying that. I should be following what God says on the subject. I wonder if loving your enemies applies to loving your FRIENDS' enemies!
To which he replied:
It's not me you should be apologising to, because its him you said you hated, not me.
So I answered:
Since when did you take the side of my conscience. All right, I'll go and 'fess up to both of them Tuesday.
I text the CO that night saying that I needed a chat Tuesday, as I had an apology to make. Simple enough, yet very difficult. I don't know what Miss K.'s going to make of it, either. I hate this. Why did I have to be so stupid?
Sgt. R. and I had a blazing row last night. I think we both ended up confused and upset, he more mad at me than not. He's a staunch defender of the CO; I of the Boss. I can't see that I'm backstabbing the CO by saying that he's accusing the Boss when he has to my face. All right, the hearsay may have been; I'll try and check it out if I can do it without breaking confidentiality. But the other isn't.
I don't know what's going to happen as a result of tonight. I plan to ask him to 1/ tell me exactly what he thinks of me afterwards (so I know where I stand), and 2/ not to force me to break confidentiality. After that, I want to give the apology, and the explanation, and if possible, the reason why I fight so much against losing the Boss. I don't think he'll be interested in that, though. I hope he listens all the way through instead of interrupting me part of the way through to try and smooth things over. I need to get this out - now - before things get nastier. I have the idea that he might tell me that it would be better for me to leave and transfer to 1290 at the end; if not, that he will be extremely cold and not trust me in the future. Either of which I don't think I can stand.
I wonder what will happen. *nervously* I got so worried over the result of the last apology I had to make at the Squadron that I ended up being sick out the front of the Squadron and the Boss had to clean it up.
It's hard not to like the CO. He and I get along rather well, for all of the problems involved. I can poke a bit of fun at or with him, and he joins in or laughs. I think he likes it. Verges on the border of cheek, but I do usually apologise if I've gone too far. Dave said once that we got along like a house on fire, and I have had several cadets ask me if the CO would do such-and-such, because they think he's more likely to do it for me. :S
It would be easier not to be a Christian at times like this. The world condemns you for the sin, and so does the Lord. And other Christians. When you're not a Christian, you wouldn't even feel guilty, much less apologise and risk an awful lot, including the witness for Christ. If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't even BE at this Squadron; I'd be at the Boss's new Squadron. I've prayed to go there. I didn't want to be kicked off this one in disgrace.