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Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Consistantly Failing...

Yet He gives strength to the weak, and help to the needy. Blessing to the undeserving, and breaking with healing to the rebel. I've found a new song I absolutely love. First time I heard it, I thought it was almost written for me.

If I used a modern word to describe it, would "class" or "cool" - or both - go? I do not like CCM, but almost every time I hear another Tenth Avenue North song, it speaks right into my heart. My parents don't like them, which creates a small problem for me, as I don't want to go against them, but it is such a blessing to me. "You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create - You've been remade." I'm not sure where to start - whether to keep some to myself and just talk about Tuesday, or whether to be open and honest about my failure yesterday...

Tuesday: When I walked in the Squadron, it was like walking into a fridge. Sgt. R. barely spoke to me; the cadets were all busy replacing the tent stuff we'd used on Saturday. Luce took the Lord's name in vain, and Rhys was pointing with a gasp, "You used the - the - the J word!" Luce was red and laughing and apologised; I stifled a grin at the unusual phrase and said, "You mean she swore using the name of Jesus. Thanks for the apology." I fell the cadets in for first parade outside while the two sergeants put up the ensign. (We were all in greens). They had to take it down and put it up again, since the wind was quite rough and both the ensign and the rope got tangled with the pole. I kept the parade while Sgt. L. did uniform inspection, then she took over after paying subs, I fell in...and had to fall out as I had a violent coughing fit again and was nearly sick. We did a fair bit of marching and learning to properly change step on the seemed like the sergeants were trying to keep me from the CO at times, and I was feeling very tense and nervous. After break, during which I ran canteen, I went to speak to the CO...told him exactly what I'd said to Sgt. R., his eyebrows shot up and he stretched his arms up behind his head, a kind of surprised-and-trying-to-hide-it gesture. He said that he'd got nothing against the Boss, that anything he'd said against him unknowingly was only a joke, and that anything that was said in the Civ Com meeting should've been kept between him and the Civ Com. He also said I should've known him better than that.
I feel better now things are in the open...maybe I can go on from this.
In my head, I HAVE to believe the CO isn't against the Boss. Because otherwise I could not serve and respect him as my CO, as I MUST do. In my heart, I know he is. Not against him as a person, but he dislikes him as an officer and dislikes him because he is the ex commanding officer of 196...and 1, he sees the Squadron in a mess and blames the Boss, and 2, he cannot eradicate the consistent and irrevocable loyalty I have in my heart to the Boss first, above the Squadron and above him. And it could develop into a personal thing...

Wednesday: A long time ago...I had a slight problem with an attraction to a young man...all right, I broke my heart over him after giving it to Jesus. Traitor. Yes, I know. This last month, I've finally been able to put it behind me as a nice memory and step forward into the future - especially since Tuesday. One of my cadets and I were chatting...she knows him too...and she added him on Facebook. I was teasing her about him...and then they started chatting. Poor girl had to deal with both conversations because if I wasn't MSNing her and badgering her to find out how he was, what he was doing, where he was, if he was ok, what he was planning to do in the future, I was texting her non-stop. I commented lots of times before that I couldn't believe pain could still hurt that much after so many months...well, yesterday it was worse than the times I've commented before. She understands and is very sympathetic...and also understands why it wouldn't work out..and since she's spoken to him, doesn't believe him worth all the pain, so she's going to make it our goal to "look at him and think, Pfft, what did I ever see in you" by the time we next see him.

I really thank God for Luce...she is a dear, and a very good friend. After my friendship with Gem pretty much broke for no reason I know of, I'm very shaky about letting Luce get more involved in my life because I don't want more betrayal and pain to deal with again. Hopefully I can learn that not all friends drop you and leave you...and hopefully my very best friend (minus Jesus) won't drop me in shock-horror-disgust upon reading this.

For now, although my opinion of him has dropped a fair level from some stuff Luce said already, the pain of the love I once held is still there. All I can pray is that this will die as painlessly as possible (although Heaven knows I don't deserve it) and that in future, I won't steal my heart back from God and that He will protect me and my little cadet from ever losing our hearts to any man again.

I'm really tired...both Sgt. R. and L. are away until next Weds., leaving me as senior NCO and in charge of running the Squadron for the next two parade nights and being in charge of our cadets for the big parade in L-. I feel slightly excited by the possibility, fairly confident that I can do it (I did it once before on the night after I became corporal), slightly scared by the possibility I might mess up, nervous as to the CO's attitude towards me after Tuesday's confession and drained at the conflict by power hungry cadets dropping on me and unconsciously fighting among themselves and battling me.

So - yeah... All a part of the exciting life of the Air Training Corps. XD

Janie xx

(From May, 2010)