Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Desires of My Heart

I am confused. I have three deep desires, longings, dreams, whatever, within my heart. And they appear to be completely incompatible.


The first is the remnant from what I used to be before my last backslide. I had and have still a passionate desire to serve God and my country. I love my country with all the patriotic fire I possess and I would willingly die to serve her.

As an Air Cadet Corporal, growing and developing within the Air Training Corps organisation, my passion, interest in the Royal Air Force and the strong stand God enabled me to make at my Squadron for His glory seemed to point to one thing.

I was and am aware it will be an extremely hard life, that my desire to serve Christ and my passion for my country may sometimes seem at odds; my antipathy to men, attitude towards marriage, and the result of my first serious backslide left me convinced that singleness was for me – as well as the fact that it is a higher calling than marriage and I wanted – and want – to reach the heights of living in Christ. I also wanted a challenging lifestyle; not a kind of life where my fire would be dampened by submission to a man rather than flaring into the path God had created for it. In the natural (still struggling with all that has gone on, but I think the flame will come back when I am at peace and ready to carry on again), I love challenging myself – physically and mentally.

I wanted to show the Christian prim-and-proper world that there was a life to live and a love and passion outside of the path Christian women have beaten for years. I wanted to be different – to make a change – to inspire others – to reach my limits and still reach further – to set a standard – to lead – to go where most women in my circle fear to go.

I thought – and I still think – that the RAF can give me this. I can give it myself, my passion, my fire, my love, my service and let it take the place of family, husband and children to me, throw my all into it and gain invaluable things back.

The ATC conquered my shyness. The RAF will do far more.


On holiday in Devon, two years ago, we went into a little church while touring. Cold, cool and empty, beautifully decorated inside and out. Of course, it is not a church that would preach sound doctrine, but as we all know, that still does not prevent the presence of God where His followers are.

Towards the rear of the church was a section devoted to the memorials of the War dead. Poppy wreaths lay on the floor; name plaques were in the wall, candles to one side. Also engraved on a plaque was the saying repeated every Remembrance Sunday: “They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.”

My parents had just left the church, my brother was leaving. I was, at that time, in the middle of one of my most severe battles at the Squadron over indecency.

There was a presence there...a sudden resolution formed in my heart, I knelt down and half whispered, half prayed, “Lord, if it be Thy will, help me to repay the debt we owe to them. Help me to serve You.” (I can’t remember exactly what I prayed, as it was two years ago.) And I resolved that I would enter the Royal Air Force.

Beautiful, what? A fire and passion and devotion that has carried me through two years. Still burns in my heart now. So, you ask, why the hesitation?


I have two other desires. Both are new. And both conflict, rather severely.


Second of my longings is something I have refused to entertain, as it most harshly opposes the first calling.

I want to be single, yes. Why?

Firstly, the conviction was borne in on me; during my first backsliding, I fell in love with a guy many years my senior. God delivered me from that in an amazing way, the same as He delivered me from my last stupid mistake. After that, I decided that God had let me taste of love so that I knew its sweetness, but that His plan for me was singleness. (Love? I wonder. Did I taste agony and heartbreak as sharply as I have the last twelve months? Maybe. 14 year old hearts can love as intensely as 17 year old ones – to their own level.)

This seemed to be confirmed by preachers talking one after another for several weeks about the blessings and advantages of singleness. One preacher said that marriage was the highest calling for a woman – except for singleness. Singleness is higher. I decided to aim for that.

That wasn’t my only influencing factor. Considering the persons of several of my readers, I will simply state that I have lived around six or seven unhappy marriages. Some end up in divorce – the ones that do not, feel that they have to stay together – and believe me, that is the worst viewpoint ANYONE could have! They should split up. It’s better than hatred.

Also, I have a deep distrust of guys in general. Rarely does a guy get into my proper trust friendship level. If they do, one false step results in me lashing out to get them away from me.

Is singleness best? I have no idea. I will admit to a dose of cowardice in that I will not admit that I don’t want to risk leaving myself that vulnerable. I have seen two of the women closest to me who are very vulnerable and that vulnerability being despised, trampled on and used by uncaring boyfriends/husbands. I have seen them starving for love and not receiving it. I have seen their hearts and their love wither and die. And I am terrified of exposing myself to that too.

But as most other women, I do have an innate longing for a family. For children. For the protecting love of a good man. (If I believed in good men.)

To feel a soft, helpless, vulnerable, fuzzy little bundle in my arms...to know that it is part of me and the one I respect and love...to feel awed that God has trusted me with such a precious gift...to feel the fierce instinct of protective motherhood...to raise children to love and serve God...to be an example to my sons and the closest friend of my daughters...to feel humbled by the trust God has placed in me by giving me such gifts and a desire to strive to be the best I can be – for them...to joyfully serve a man I can respect...to be able to light the lovelight in his eyes and to know I am second in his heart and help him to keep his eyes on his First Love...

Okay, girlies, stop dreaming. :) I know you’re feeling the same emotions right now. :P

But seriously. That...those feelings...do lie very deeply in my heart. But the others lie between. My desperate fear and mistrust. The knowledge that I need to help support my family. And my first calling – where everyone admires me for going, encourages me to go, supports me...and it was a calling. So – I crush this. Smash it. Cover those dreams. And while right now I dream...in the next year, I will be called to finish the battle between those two. Do I know how it will end? No. Honestly. But I know where I NEED to go.


Thirdly...prayer.

This passion is actually compatible with both of the above, although probably more so with the first calling than the second.

I have a fascination with the power of prayer coupled with faith. I was going to do a separate blog post on this and I may yet, but I need to put this in here for now. :)

There are two extremes people take on this issue. The first are the name-it-and-claim-it. “God wants us to have a good life. All we have to do is pray ‘in the Name of Jesus!’ (magic formula) and He will give whatever we want to us.” The second are the majority of true Christians who have shied completely away from the heart of prayer in fear of being classed as one of the previous heretics. In fact, while some shy away, I think that some Christians have actually forgotten that there IS a fine line between the two. Oh, the way Satan pushes one extreme or the other on EVERY ASPECT of our Christian lives! The first blasphemes God. The second denies His power.

There is a fine line to draw between the two. I have by no means developed my beliefs on this subject, and I am willing and open to be held up to correction – Biblical correction. So feel free to leave a comment if you think I am wrong. You can pray in the name of Jesus and...demand needs in His Name...accepting that what He does in the end is for the best. I dare to use the word demand, yes. My meaning behind it: not a screaming and kicking fit to get the desired result, but simply reciting His promises and claiming His fulfilment.

When one is close to God, He directs prayer life, showing us more and more clearly what is in His will. Recently, I have been completely fascinated by the life of Rees Howells. And again, I strongly recommend the book about him, “Intercessor – Rees Howells” written by Norman Grubb, to all my readers.

This was a man who for three years prayed, asking God to let him give back himself completely to “repay” the immeasurable gift of Christ’s death and resurrection for us. (Death and resurrection...there’s another rant, only it would be too short for a blog post...;) ) After three years, the Holy Spirit gave him the choice of carrying on the way he was, being the average Christian, himself with God influencing him, or of letting himself go completely – letting the Holy Spirit enter him and indwell him, taking every piece of him away.

After a long and hard battle, Rees was given the grace to let go of himself and God’s Holy Spirit came in and indwelt him, and he became an intercessor. The histories of what God did through him are fascinating. He was very influential in the Welsh Revival. During the Second World War, his prayers and those of his team turned the tide of the war, by diverting the bombing raids and calming the sea for the Dunkirk evacuations – to name two examples. Not his prayers, as such, but I think you know what I mean.

What he had to give up of himself is also amazing. He used to lock himself up for days...when interceding for Britain...no food, no nothing. The things he had to do because the Holy Spirit told him to for specific reasons...dress and behave like a tramp. Not wear a hat when he went to visit an upper class house (everyone wore hats then). When he interceded for the consumptive woman and God gave him the chance to die in her stead...and he was totally dependant on God for everything. Literally, everything. He wasn't allowed to claim any ownership on anything - money, time, self. All had to be spent as God dictated.

To be lost in the presence of God like that...I envy him. I don't imagine God will use me to turn the tides of a war or move a country, but I...I want what happened to Rees Howells to happen to me. I want God to use me, I want to see His power, I want to trust Him, and I want God to dwell in me like that. I know I don't know quite what I'm asking for, and as yet, I'm afraid to consistently plead for it, because I am afraid of what I may have to give up and do. Yet I know in my heart that it will all be worthwhile, if only I can be made willing. I want to be willing. God, give me the grace to be willing!

How will this fit in? I do not know. These are the calling, the dream, and the desire of my heart.


God do with them and me as He will.

~ Jane ~