Thursday, May 27, 2010
If I used a modern word to describe it, would "class" or "cool" - or both - go? I do not like CCM, but almost every time I hear another Tenth Avenue North song, it speaks right into my heart. My parents don't like them, which creates a small problem for me, as I don't want to go against them, but it is such a blessing to me. "You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create - You've been remade." I'm not sure where to start - whether to keep some to myself and just talk about Tuesday, or whether to be open and honest about my failure yesterday...
Tuesday: When I walked in the Squadron, it was like walking into a fridge. Sgt. R. barely spoke to me; the cadets were all busy replacing the tent stuff we'd used on Saturday. Luce took the Lord's name in vain, and Rhys was pointing with a gasp, "You used the - the - the J word!" Luce was red and laughing and apologised; I stifled a grin at the unusual phrase and said, "You mean she swore using the name of Jesus. Thanks for the apology." I fell the cadets in for first parade outside while the two sergeants put up the ensign. (We were all in greens). They had to take it down and put it up again, since the wind was quite rough and both the ensign and the rope got tangled with the pole. I kept the parade while Sgt. L. did uniform inspection, then she took over after paying subs, I fell in...and had to fall out as I had a violent coughing fit again and was nearly sick. We did a fair bit of marching and learning to properly change step on the march...it seemed like the sergeants were trying to keep me from the CO at times, and I was feeling very tense and nervous. After break, during which I ran canteen, I went to speak to the CO...told him exactly what I'd said to Sgt. R., his eyebrows shot up and he stretched his arms up behind his head, a kind of surprised-and-trying-to-hide-it gesture. He said that he'd got nothing against the Boss, that anything he'd said against him unknowingly was only a joke, and that anything that was said in the Civ Com meeting should've been kept between him and the Civ Com. He also said I should've known him better than that.
I feel better now things are in the open...maybe I can go on from this.
In my head, I HAVE to believe the CO isn't against the Boss. Because otherwise I could not serve and respect him as my CO, as I MUST do. In my heart, I know he is. Not against him as a person, but he dislikes him as an officer and dislikes him because he is the ex commanding officer of 196...and 1, he sees the Squadron in a mess and blames the Boss, and 2, he cannot eradicate the consistent and irrevocable loyalty I have in my heart to the Boss first, above the Squadron and above him. And it could develop into a personal thing...
Wednesday: A long time ago...I had a slight problem with an attraction to a young man...all right, I broke my heart over him after giving it to Jesus. Traitor. Yes, I know. This last month, I've finally been able to put it behind me as a nice memory and step forward into the future - especially since Tuesday. One of my cadets and I were chatting...she knows him too...and she added him on Facebook. I was teasing her about him...and then they started chatting. Poor girl had to deal with both conversations because if I wasn't MSNing her and badgering her to find out how he was, what he was doing, where he was, if he was ok, what he was planning to do in the future, I was texting her non-stop. I commented lots of times before that I couldn't believe pain could still hurt that much after so many months...well, yesterday it was worse than the times I've commented before. She understands and is very sympathetic...and also understands why it wouldn't work out..and since she's spoken to him, doesn't believe him worth all the pain, so she's going to make it our goal to "look at him and think, Pfft, what did I ever see in you" by the time we next see him.
I really thank God for Luce...she is a dear, and a very good friend. After my friendship with Gem pretty much broke for no reason I know of, I'm very shaky about letting Luce get more involved in my life because I don't want more betrayal and pain to deal with again. Hopefully I can learn that not all friends drop you and leave you...and hopefully my very best friend (minus Jesus) won't drop me in shock-horror-disgust upon reading this.
For now, although my opinion of him has dropped a fair level from some stuff Luce said already, the pain of the love I once held is still there. All I can pray is that this will die as painlessly as possible (although Heaven knows I don't deserve it) and that in future, I won't steal my heart back from God and that He will protect me and my little cadet from ever losing our hearts to any man again.
I'm really tired...both Sgt. R. and L. are away until next Weds., leaving me as senior NCO and in charge of running the Squadron for the next two parade nights and being in charge of our cadets for the big parade in L-. I feel slightly excited by the possibility, fairly confident that I can do it (I did it once before on the night after I became corporal), slightly scared by the possibility I might mess up, nervous as to the CO's attitude towards me after Tuesday's confession and drained at the conflict by power hungry cadets dropping on me and unconsciously fighting among themselves and battling me.
So - yeah... All a part of the exciting life of the Air Training Corps. XD
(From May, 2010)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
My Valley of Humiliation is rearing its head to meet me tonight. Sgt. R. and I had a blazing row last night over the Boss and the CO - he was accusing me of accusing the CO of accusing the Boss. A kind of confusing trail.
I believe the Boss to be innocent. I know the CO has backstabbed the Boss, and so have the sgts, which has given me a problem with the CO and a feeling of insecurity with the sergeants.
The last thing that really made me lose my temper with the CO was hearsay, along with circumstancial evidence; not much to be relied on. It was Saturday I really lost my temper with him; a touch of circumstancial evidence put the finishing touch to a deep seated problem I already had. (We were doing a main event which only the Boss and the hard core of the Squadron - as was then - had been at last year, working our hands off. It was the first big event only us six had shown up at, and we had worked pretty closely. The memory was painful. I had tried to back out of going anyway, but an ex-cadet was there I wouldn't get to see again and also the CO had "ordered" me to go.) I was in tears. Trying to fight them and not succeeding. I was doing something and Sgt. R. came with me to hurry it up as they were waiting to do drill, and I said through sobs that sometimes I thought I almost hated the CO. I spent the rest of the day avoiding him - the CO - as much as possible, even to the point of avoiding a CI who (I thought) came to scold me for walking off when he beckoned me. The CO was concerned by my strange behaviour; he called me off to the side and wanted to know what was wrong with me because I'd seemed distant since we got there. I gave as brief answers as possible and left as soon as he allowed.
I was quite frigid with him over texts, too, for the next two days, cracking my first joke since with him yesterday - to which he appeared relieved.
I apologised to Sgt. R. Sunday night for saying that I hated the CO.
I wanted to offer an apology though for what I said yesterday. About hating the CO. It's not that I hate him. I like him. But I'm really struggling with that and my strong loyalty to the Boss. So yeah, sorry about saying that. I should be following what God says on the subject. I wonder if loving your enemies applies to loving your FRIENDS' enemies!
To which he replied:
It's not me you should be apologising to, because its him you said you hated, not me.
So I answered:
Since when did you take the side of my conscience. All right, I'll go and 'fess up to both of them Tuesday.
I text the CO that night saying that I needed a chat Tuesday, as I had an apology to make. Simple enough, yet very difficult. I don't know what Miss K.'s going to make of it, either. I hate this. Why did I have to be so stupid?
Sgt. R. and I had a blazing row last night. I think we both ended up confused and upset, he more mad at me than not. He's a staunch defender of the CO; I of the Boss. I can't see that I'm backstabbing the CO by saying that he's accusing the Boss when he has to my face. All right, the hearsay may have been; I'll try and check it out if I can do it without breaking confidentiality. But the other isn't.
I don't know what's going to happen as a result of tonight. I plan to ask him to 1/ tell me exactly what he thinks of me afterwards (so I know where I stand), and 2/ not to force me to break confidentiality. After that, I want to give the apology, and the explanation, and if possible, the reason why I fight so much against losing the Boss. I don't think he'll be interested in that, though. I hope he listens all the way through instead of interrupting me part of the way through to try and smooth things over. I need to get this out - now - before things get nastier. I have the idea that he might tell me that it would be better for me to leave and transfer to 1290 at the end; if not, that he will be extremely cold and not trust me in the future. Either of which I don't think I can stand.
I wonder what will happen. *nervously* I got so worried over the result of the last apology I had to make at the Squadron that I ended up being sick out the front of the Squadron and the Boss had to clean it up.
It's hard not to like the CO. He and I get along rather well, for all of the problems involved. I can poke a bit of fun at or with him, and he joins in or laughs. I think he likes it. Verges on the border of cheek, but I do usually apologise if I've gone too far. Dave said once that we got along like a house on fire, and I have had several cadets ask me if the CO would do such-and-such, because they think he's more likely to do it for me. :S
It would be easier not to be a Christian at times like this. The world condemns you for the sin, and so does the Lord. And other Christians. When you're not a Christian, you wouldn't even feel guilty, much less apologise and risk an awful lot, including the witness for Christ. If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't even BE at this Squadron; I'd be at the Boss's new Squadron. I've prayed to go there. I didn't want to be kicked off this one in disgrace.
Monday, May 24, 2010
My Squadron as I will always remember it..last summer and autumn it became home and second family to me. The Boss the head and father-figure, Andy, Scott, Gem, Aid, Jay and I individual cadets bound together to keep the Squadron going...the hardcore of the Squadron. 1 sergeant, 3 corporals, 2 cadets. How much I wish I could go back. How much.
So...yeah. Another thing I shouldn't be doing is having to apologise to him tomorrow night. I was out working with the Sqn on Saturday, and witnessed yet another attempt at backstabbing the previous CO. Needless to say, I was fuming with the CO (because he started it), and said to Sgt. R. (through sobs *grimace*) that sometimes I thought I hated the CO. Last night I apologised to the sgt., and he said you shouldn't be apologising to me, I'm not the one you said you hated. And I was like, Oh my life, he's agreeing with my conscience...so I did what I DO NOT want to do, and text the CO last night asking for a chat on Tuesday. How he's going to respond, Heaven alone knows. I'm so ashamed of myself, because that's no kind of a witness. God forgive me.
I also have another apology to make to a CI I was deliberately avoiding, because I thought she was going to tell me off for ignoring the CO. *double grimace* Not looking forward to that, either.
Then to top it all off, neither of the sergeants are going to be at the biiiiig parade, or a parade night, next week, meaning I'm going to be senior NCO and in charge. AHHHHHHHHHHH. I think I could cope...if it didn't mean that I'm probably going to have to manage one or two awkward acting corporals too, because the CO is crazy about stabilising ranks.
I'm abominably worn out, inside. I hate myself for struggling so much with all this. Ah well, a fairly decent day ahead. :) Brilliant sunshine, boiling heat, studying for an exam Friday, (AS Level), and going off on a nice long cool trip for water ending in chicken and chips later. (While ducking an admirer, which ISNT going to be cool).
So...I don't like blogs. They're too much like diaries and not enough like them. :D
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Maybe an introduction?
Why I have created a blog: Because my best friend, Amzi, has a blog on here and I wanted to add her as a friend.
Who am I: Jane Johnson will suit you. Red headed, blue-eyed, half English, half Welsh, full blooded Briton. I'm home educated and a born again, Bible-believing Christian, (I don't think much of most denominations so I won't label myself), and very untypical. My life goals are to serve Jesus Christ in every area of my life and to witness to His power in every way that He enables me, and secondly to serve my country in the way I feel called to. I believe it is possible to combine both of these roles, and for this reason, I am aiming to enter the Royal Air Force. At present, I am a cadet of the Air Training Corps, a non-commissioned officer with the rank of corporal. Sounds fancy, isn't really, just a lot of work. :)
I have sub-goals: I want to join the ATC again when I leave the RAF, and work my way up to reach the rank of Flight Lieutenant. Then, if possible, I want to come back and take over my old Squadron. Working out a minimum of years, I think I'll be around 43 when I finally manage this. :) Life flies past. It's not that far away.
I think that's long enough for now. And pretty much all you need to know. I rant enough about my Air Cadet life most of the time. :)