Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Monday, March 21, 2011


I've considered posting this for a long while, but I haven't before, due somewhat to uncertainty of what to say.

This is a chat between a best friend of mine and myself, just before the start of the return from my backsliding in November last year.

I couldn't see what he was saying. I wanted to. But I couldn't. I've never known the frustration of knowing the truth and being unable to see it. But afterwards, I began to pray every day that God would show me how to love with His love. That was when things began to change.

Taylor Weller: Are you alright?

Sian Jones: *pounces and hugs *

Taylor Weller: :)

Sian Jones: No. I mean. I suppose so.

Sian Jones: I will be.

Sian Jones: I guess.

Taylor Weller: :/

Taylor Weller: Tell me about it.

Sian Jones: I've got such a headache.

Sian Jones: I was okay. As you know. For the last two days.

Taylor Weller: Yes.

Sian Jones: And then today...I don't know.

... (Part removed due to personal nature)

Sian Jones: And then Mom and Dad went out.

Taylor Weller: Went out?

Sian Jones: Down town or something.

Taylor Weller: Ah.

Sian Jones: And I was washing up, and I just started crying. Hacking sobs. Drat. *fights back more tears*

Taylor Weller: Oh, Janey . . .

Sian Jones: And I was praying, more like almost screaming/shouting at the sky.

Sian Jones: Saying I was so

Sian Jones: Hold on.

Taylor Weller: 'k

Sian Jones: Sorry.

Sian Jones: Saying I was so, so sorry for falling in love. For everyone else. For what had happened with those guys.

Sian Jones: And asking where He was. Why I couldn't feel Him there.

Sian Jones: And why my prayers were hitting a brick wall.

Sian Jones: And the whole time...that mocking little voice was dragging up Barry. John. Stuart. Gary. Raouf.

Sian Jones: And all the rest of them.

Sian Jones: Telling me I wasn't truly sorry. That all my tears were a pretence.

Sian Jones: That my pain was a mockery.

Sian Jones: That I didn't really care.

Sian Jones: It's telling me now as I'm trying not to cry talking to you.

Sian Jones: I'm so lost, Tay.

Taylor Weller: Boy, where to start. I can say this: Your heart isn't in the right place, like I first assumed. It is close, and it wants to be, but it's not.

Taylor Weller: You are sorry, of that I am sure.

Taylor Weller: Those voices, they should be ignored.

Taylor Weller: If you listen to them to long, bad things happen. I started hearing actual voices.

Sian Jones: *shivers*

Sian Jones: I'm trying to pass over everything and believe. But it's like before. I'm not facing up to what's behind me. And it's not working. It's like a masquerade. A cover up.

Taylor Weller: That's your heart.

Taylor Weller: It all starts in your heart.

Sian Jones: Go on. I'm confused.

Taylor Weller: You're heart as in, not the thing that pumps blood to your veins, but the very centre of you. Not your soul, either, but who you are.

Taylor Weller: It's very hard to explain.

Taylor Weller: Does it make any sense so far?

Sian Jones: No...

Sian Jones: I'm still confused.

Taylor Weller: blast . . .

Sian Jones: I'm sorry, Tay.

Sian Jones

Taylor Weller: Have you ever read Ted Dekker?

Sian Jones: No...

Taylor Weller: I would recommend it. Start with Thunder of Heaven, if you ever get
around to it.

... (Part removed due to aside note)

Sian Jones: So yes. Go on. And what made you see the difference this time?

Taylor Weller: I am seeing clearer on matters today than I have before, and I'm
hoping that I will continue to. So it's really a matter of me being able to see the truth behind things, really.

Taylor Weller: But the heart . . .

Taylor Weller: Hmm.

Sian Jones: Oh...that's good.

Taylor Weller: The heart is a matter best grasped BY the heart, not the mind.

Sian Jones: I...see...

Taylor Weller: Well, it's a rather exclusive thing, by nature.

Taylor Weller: To be able to understand it, you have to have an open heart, and a
mind willing to listen.

Taylor Weller: You'll know when you do. There will be no doubt on the subject.

Sian Jones: *blink*

Taylor Weller: I'm sorry. This has taken me years to understand and I'm just
dumping it all on you at once.

Sian Jones: *shakes head*

Sian Jones: No. I want to understand.

Sian Jones: That I don't is my fault.

Sian Jones: What I AM going to say is...right now, I can't say any more. I know
it's awkward for you. But I'm listening.

Taylor Weller: Okay.

Taylor Weller: Well, you can't understand this with your mind. It is beyond the mind.

Taylor Weller: Blast, who does the adviser go to when he needs answers?

Sian Jones: *shivers* I'm so sorry, Tay.

Taylor Weller: let me think for a minute.

Sian Jones: I don't know where else to go.

Taylor Weller: Don't be sorry.

Taylor Weller: It's hard, but the fact that you seek truth is a very good start to ensuring that you find it.

Taylor Weller: because that IS what you seek, whether you see that or not.

Sian Jones: Right...

Sian Jones: I do have a question.

Taylor Weller: What is that?

Sian Jones: Which is why can you see today that my heart isn't right? Where did the lense vision change? And what is the difference?

Taylor Weller: The fact that I had a . . . minor shift in my own heart today may have had something to do with it. It's truly amazing the things you can see when you're not looking at yourself.

Sian Jones: What happened?

Taylor Weller: Lately, I've been helping an old friend. He's a former pastor who's gotten cancer.

Taylor Weller: He's on the way to mending, but he still can't work. I go over most Fridays to help him.

Taylor Weller: There's something about honest work that clears the mind. I could see that I had, once again, become too focused on myself to be doing anyone any good.

Taylor Weller: From there, I just had to possess the yearning to take that focus off myself.

Taylor Weller: I think that's it!

Taylor Weller: You need to stop focusing on yourself.

Taylor Weller: Even what you've done.

Taylor Weller: Can you accept that God is capable of forgiving you?

Sian Jones: No...Well, that He's capable, yes.

Taylor Weller: That's all you need.

Taylor Weller: You might not be able to accept that He has, but you are willing to believe that he can.

Taylor Weller: Yes?!

Sian Jones: Yes............

Taylor Weller: Than you just need to stop thinking about YOU.

Taylor Weller: Focus not on your own problems, sins, or anything.

Taylor Weller: Make someone else your focus.

Taylor Weller: ANYONE else.

Taylor Weller: That's part of love. Love will help you towards understanding.

Taylor Weller: Understanding will show you truth.

Taylor Weller: And when you have truth, you have the answers you need.

Taylor Weller: THAT's the key, I think.

Sian Jones: If I focus on anyone apart from God, they let me down.

Sian Jones: And God is too far away right now.

Taylor Weller: No He's not!

Taylor Weller: This is it, I'm sure.

Taylor Weller: He's right there.

Taylor Weller: He's everywhere.

Taylor Weller: He's BEEN everywhere.

Taylor Weller: He was tempted by all things, remember?!

Taylor Weller: He know's how you feel.

Taylor Weller: He's not disgusted, He's understanding.

Taylor Weller: He's your best friend.

Sian Jones: But He's God.

Taylor Weller: And?

Sian Jones: His purity is offended by me.

Taylor Weller: Not by YOU.

Sian Jones: I have disgraced His name in front of the world.

Sian Jones: I have hurt Him again.

Taylor Weller: He can handle that.

Sian Jones: I have failed Him in my witness.

Sian Jones: I've let Him down in purity.

Taylor Weller: He is not so small as you make Him out to be.

Sian Jones: I'm gutter dirt and He shouldn't touch me.

Taylor Weller: STOP!

Taylor Weller: Just listen!

Sian Jones: He should be as .

Sian Jones: Yes.

Taylor Weller: He is more than capable of forgiving any sins you've done or will do. He is not offended by YOU, only what you've done. Do you think God hates gay people? NO. He loves them. He only hates what they do.

Taylor Weller: He does not hate you, and He is not offended by you. He loves you.

Taylor Weller: He loves you so much, I do not think you can even comprehend it.

Taylor Weller: If you could even grasp a fraction of it, you would be on the ground at this very moment, sobbing.

Taylor Weller: This is what you need, this is the key to being what you were, and more so. LOVE

Taylor Weller: Do you understand?

Sian Jones: I hear you.

Sian Jones: I HEAR you.

Taylor Weller: That is a very nice start. My next words are going to be frank, so forgive them: If you would just get over your own, small self, you would see, understand the truth in my words.

Taylor Weller: If you are offended by those words, you are far too appreciative of your person.

Taylor Weller: Do you understand yet?

Sian Jones: No. I'm not offended.

Taylor Weller: That's good.

Sian Jones: I believe you there completely.

Sian Jones: I believe myself to be what I am. Gutter dirt. Because I'm wrapped up in the gutter dirt, I completely agree.

Sian Jones: Does that make sense?

Taylor Weller: Yes, and it's true, but you see it wrong!

Taylor Weller: You focus exclusively on that fact.

Taylor Weller: It's no different than spending hours in front of a mirror, admiring yourself.

Taylor Weller: Either way, you see only you.

Taylor Weller: And that is the problem.

Sian Jones: *nods*

Taylor Weller: You don't see it!

Taylor Weller: It's right there in front of you, and you don't see it!

Sian Jones: I'm sorry...

Sian Jones: I wish I did.

Taylor Weller: No, you don't! I can see things perfectly right now.

Taylor Weller: You care for you.

Taylor Weller: And as long as you do, you won't be able to see ANYTHING else.

Taylor Weller: Sian, I don't excite easily, but this truth has me rocking back and forth. I'm trying to stay on my seat.

Taylor Weller: You have blinded yourself!

Sian Jones: *half smile*

Taylor Weller: You've surrounded yourself with yourself.

Taylor Weller: Take yourself out of the equation! Then you will get the proper answer!

Sian Jones: HOW?

Taylor Weller: Ahh! I'm about to scream! Is this how God feels when he sees how blind we are?!

Taylor Weller: LOVE is the key!

Sian Jones: Probably.

Sian Jones: *wryly*

Taylor Weller: JUST LOVE.


Taylor Weller: THAT IS ALL GOD ASKS.

Sian Jones: Darn.

Sian Jones: Love HOW?

Taylor Weller: YOU. JUST. LOVE.

Taylor Weller: It is the hardest thing in the word to explain, but the most valuable thing to possess.

Taylor Weller: Stop fretting about your problems.

Taylor Weller: Stop telling yourself that you can't be forgiven - you think you're so special God can't do that simple thing?

Taylor Weller: Stop thinking of all the things you've done.

Taylor Weller: THEN

Taylor Weller: You can see everything around you.

Taylor Weller: And then you can love.

Sian Jones: Right...*slowly*

Taylor Weller: Do you see yet?!

Sian Jones: Kind of.

Taylor Weller: Good!

Taylor Weller: Good!!!!

Taylor Weller: You can't love others, because love is selfless.

Taylor Weller: if you can't love others, how can you love God?

Taylor Weller: If you can't love God, what is there?

Taylor Weller: THAT is why you have nothing left!

Taylor Weller: Not because of some paltry web cam and exposed skin and foul words.
It's because you've forgotten how to love!

Taylor Weller: To God that is nothing! Nothing!

Taylor Weller: THE HEART is what God is after, not your actions.

Taylor Weller: Sian, are you even beginning to see yet?!

Sian Jones: Slowly.

Taylor Weller: That’s good!

Sian Jones: I'm finding someone to care about anyway.

Taylor Weller: Don't care about them. LOVE them!

Sian Jones: I will. I will try.

Sian Jones: But I'm so.

Sian Jones: Afraid.

Sian Jones: That I will end up loving wrong again.

Taylor Weller: YOU CAN'T LOVE WRONG!

Sian Jones: I CAN! I loved him wrong! Completely wrong!

Taylor Weller: Then you didn't love him.

Taylor Weller: You cannot love wrong.

Taylor Weller: Love is of God and a part of God.

Taylor Weller: God is perfect, and so is His love.

Taylor Weller: And if you can see even a shadow of what I'm saying, then you've travelled light-years farther down the road than you were just an hour ago.

Sian Jones: *confused again* I did love him. But it hurt. So it was wrong.

Taylor Weller: No!

Taylor Weller: You don't see.

Taylor Weller: There can be pain in love. But you cannot love someone and yet do it wrong.

Taylor Weller: All good comes from Christ.

Taylor Weller: ONLY good comes from Christ.

Taylor Weller: Only perfection comes from Christ.

Taylor Weller: It is I; it is YOU, who decided to pervert it.

Taylor Weller: Love is supernatural.

Taylor Weller: And of God

Sian Jones: So we can't love.

Taylor Weller: No, we CAN!

Taylor Weller: THAT is why God died. So we could LOVE.

Taylor Weller: Without love, we don't have God. And without God there is only hell.

Taylor Weller: Hell is where God is not.

Taylor Weller: Hell is your soul without God.

Sian Jones: *shiver*

Sian Jones: I wish I could understand.

Taylor Weller: But do you see what I mean?

Taylor Weller: About Love?

Sian Jones: I SEE it.

Taylor Weller: Than there is hope! Only you, YOU, keep yourself from reaching it.

Taylor Weller: And that you, that person that keeps the REAL you from reaching it, you can tell that person to go to hell, because that is where that person belongs.

Taylor Weller: That is what the heart is

Taylor Weller: It is you, the perfect you.

Taylor Weller: But it can be the person who has no God.

Sian Jones: *shakes head*

Taylor Weller: And that is sin.

Taylor Weller: Do you still not understand?

Sian Jones: Oh Taylor. I'm hearing you. I'm seeing parts of what you're saying. But I can't feel it in my heart.

Taylor Weller: Then your heart is not occupied by God! I'm not saying you're not a follower of God, but you have no room for him in your heart.

Taylor Weller: And you should know something.

Taylor Weller: You've made a huge step, one that most people will never make in
their entire lives. That step is taking a small part of your vision off of yourself.

Taylor Weller: Now, you can begin to see the truth.

Taylor Weller: Now you can begin to love.

Sian Jones: Do you know what?

Sian Jones: It's like I'm outside of my body, watching someone else have this conversation.

Sian Jones: It's like it's been the whole time.

Sian Jones: I'm feeling nothing.

Taylor Weller: So what? Why do you care if you feel or don't feel? It's just you! YOU are nothing right now. Do you know why? Because you cannot love. Humans were made to love, but we stripped that away from ourselves in the garden.

Taylor Weller: Now we struggle for it.

Taylor Weller: The only way YOU can become something, is if YOU get rid of YOU and fill YOU with God!

Sian Jones: *sounds stupid*

Sian Jones: If I can't feel, how am I supposed to change??

Sian Jones: brb

Taylor Weller: STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOU! You see this as a way for you to change, that’s how I saw it first, too, but I was wrong, as you are now. This isn't a way for you to change. It’s a way for you to LOVE.

Taylor Weller: A natural result of you loving is that you will be close to God.

Taylor Weller: When YOU care about changing YOU, YOU are seeing only YOU!

Taylor Weller: Look somewhere else!

Taylor Weller: LOVE someone else.

Taylor Weller: You are a conduit for love.

Taylor Weller: You are not the producer of it.

Taylor Weller: You are meant to carry it, not dither about this sin or that sin.

Taylor Weller: That is nothing compared to the power of God!

Taylor Weller: Do you know what God's power is, Sian?

Sian Jones: No. How can I?

Taylor Weller: YOU CAN'T! That's my point. You can't because all you care about is you!

Taylor Weller: God's power is not That He can create a universe in a single thought.

Sian Jones: It's that He loves?

Taylor Weller: YES!!!!

Taylor Weller: It's that He can love no matter what!


Taylor Weller: ANY WHERE!

Taylor Weller: ANY TIME!

Taylor Weller: No. Matter. What.

Taylor Weller: You're beginning to see!

Sian Jones: Don't be too hopeful.

Taylor Weller: Would you stop it already?!

Sian Jones: Sowwy.

Taylor Weller: You're still thinking about YOU!

Taylor Weller: Just stop!

Taylor Weller: I'm not capable of helping you anymore until you stop looking at yourself in the mirror all day.

Sian Jones: How on earth am I supposed to manage this? It's radically different from anything ANYONE'S been trying to tell me.

Sian Jones: I don't care about the radicalness. But I can't see.

Taylor Weller: What have others been telling you?

Sian Jones: That I just need to believe to overcome this, just take a step of faith and believe God has forgiven me, put it behind me, face the future with my hand in His, carry on...

Taylor Weller: Well that's all well and good, and that's what everyone and their mothers would say, but I'm telling you that if you really want to overcome this, to be an even better conduit that you were before, you must love and forget about you. All will fall into place then.

Sian Jones: I want to follow what you're saying. The other isn't working.

Taylor Weller: What other?

Sian Jones: What everyone else is saying?

Taylor Weller: That's because what I'm saying is true!

Taylor Weller: I know it is, because I'm only understanding at even as I type!

Taylor Weller: This is the perfect example.

Taylor Weller: Listen closely: Because, as of right now, I'm not focused on me, I'm able to help you. God is telling me what I need to say to help you. Now, this is the centre of all the centre of what I've been trying to tell you for the last hour, so hear me now.

Taylor Weller: I'm telling you what you need to know, I'm acting as a conduit for God. As a result of my selflessness, I'm understanding new things that I couldn't see before.

Taylor Weller: It will be the same for you. Take your eyes off of you, and you can help others. You can do God's will. As you do it, he will give you the answers you need to grow closer to God. Make sense?

Sian Jones: Yes.

Taylor Weller: Can you do that?

Sian Jones: I can't say I can, because I don't know how.

Taylor Weller: Then I can't help you.

Taylor Weller: When you stop caring for yourself, and you can love others, then I can help.

Taylor Weller: Until then, there is nothing I can do.

Sian Jones: *sigh*

Sian Jones: Then I'm doomed to try and find my way alone.

Sian Jones: Thank you, Tay.

Taylor Weller: This is the last piece of advice I can offer, and I'm literally wringing my hands at your blindness. You are NOT doomed to find it yourself. GOD IS THERE.

Taylor Weller: That's all I can physically do for you.

Sian Jones: I'm so sorry.

Sian Jones: Thanks for everything.

Taylor Weller: I've found great amounts of joy in helping you. So no worries about that. We can still talk, even about this. But I can't help you advance any further until you can find a way to be selfless.


Sian Jones: I'm glad it's helped you.

Sian Jones: I wish I understood.

Sian Jones: Completely, except in part.

Taylor Weller: Drat it Sian, you're giving up to easy!

Sian Jones: No! I won't! I can't live life down there, but I CANT UNDERSTAND YOU!

Taylor Weller: Words are useless at this point, but I'm compelled to say that you can't understand because you choose that for yourself.

Sian Jones: Drat. I can't make you see that I can't see.

Sian Jones: I want to see but I DO NOT understand.

Taylor Weller: I know that you can't see.

Taylor Weller: But it's your own fault.

Sian Jones: All my life I have shunned a religion based on feelings and now I'm in it.

Taylor Weller: Feeling are good, but love is far beyond emotions.

Sian Jones: I KNOW.

Sian Jones: I can't get there!

Taylor Weller: Yes you can. God died so you can get there.

Sian Jones: I will try.

Sian Jones: I don't know how to try, but I'll try.

Taylor Weller: Then that's a very good start.

Sian Jones: *laughs bitterly*

Sian Jones: I'm sure.

Taylor Weller: You need to get some sleep. Think what I've said over.

Taylor Weller: We'll talk tomorrow.

Sian Jones: Yes...okay.

Sian Jones: Goodnight.

Taylor Weller: Goodnight, Sister.

Sian Jones: Goodnight, big brother.

Taylor Weller

Sian Jones: Thanks for everything

Taylor Weller: Anytime.

Sian Jones

Sian Jones:

Sian Jones: Satan wants us to doubt that God loves us. What better way to do this than to whisper to us about how wicked, ugly and sinful we are? It is good and right to recognize these things, and become humble before God. But when the devil starts telling us that we are so horrible that no one could love us who truly knew us, not even God, that’s when we need to stop dwelling on it.

God is repulsed by sin. He can’t stand it. But all of us know that Jesus died to clean our sins from our hearts. And when He did that, He made it possible for God to get close to us.

Sian Jones: If you believe that God loves you, then you believe...

*Part quotes from Sandy