Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Friday, December 28, 2012

Your Christmas Card


I'm lying here in a half numb, half blank, half calm (three halves, yes, I know :P) frame of mind.
Kristin just asked me how I was, and I answered, I'm thinking God is weirdly good.

Cause He is.

My mom's in need of prayer, a lot of it, especially as the first court date with my father on the 15th nears.

I'm lying here in emotional and physical pain.

And apparently I "don't have any major stress in my life", a comment I'm currently finding hard to forgive.

*smiles, thinking*

I messed up again recently. I do that frequently. And I've been convinced God's going to punish me, as usual.

If He has, He's done it in the sweetest way.

I might have lost most of the things I love, but God's shown me His love, His people, and Mom and Mr C are the most important things in life.

I might be in despair and lost in the darkness, but there's always someone out there who's more lost than me cause they haven't got the Light of the World guiding them.

My skin might be painful and my heart aching, but God's got something beautiful to do with all the pain.

My best friends - all ten of them - may have left, but He's still left people around to remind me that He does care. Even if they don't all know exactly what I am.

I might feel alone and useless, but He sent 27 people to remind me He's using me. Skype calls with my brother Brendan and his family, my daughter Kathryn and her sister and mother, chatting with my sister Kristin and the two girls I'm currently helping.

I'm still looking for jobs. I'm still praying for America. And I'm still planning on Ireland.

Oh, and yeah.

Your Christmas cards. :P

I was praying for them as I wrote them (most of them on the 15th), and I honestly...thought some of the things I was writing were weird and felt awkward in case they weren't...what I was supposed to be saying. Two comments have come back so far saying that they were exactly what was needed at a particular point in time.

Isn't God amazing? :)

And I might be as good as Balaam's donkey, but isn't it beautiful to know that He's changing me into something that speaks for Him?

Keep fighting. Keep singing. Cause there's something else I'm finding out. *smiles wearily*
I will never be always happy - and right now, am rarely happy. But I can be joyful.
And yes.
Joy is contagious.

Love in Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Monday, December 24, 2012

In Earth's Final Days

As Time itself drew to a close in Earth's final days, the system of life seemed to have gone back several hundred years. Feuds, wars between kings and knights that fought on horseback...beheading as capital punishment had become ways of life once more.
One could almost believe that old TV shows and films, like Doctor Who, were a reality, for there were upon the Earth many strange beings, the like of which had never been seen from the dawn of Time until now.

There arose a great and powerful Dark Knight who rode through the land, calling all the people who dwelt there in apparently ordinary lives to arms.

For a millennium, the world had lain quietly under the guidance of one King who reigned supreme in Jerusalem, capital of the much torn land of Israel. Yes...the problems of the world had centred around this one small city in one tiny country, as the book of ancient prophesy had foretold it to be a stumbling block. And once more, a King reigned in Jerusalem as had not been his like since the time of David.

The people obeyed the call of the knight to a man. Many hated and were afraid of the Dark Knight, but they were bound to him through choice, and because even though they now knew who he was, they were bound through their own fears - not of even him, but of the King.

The King was good. And they were not. And they knew it. They felt in their hearts more akin to the Dark Knight and his ilk, than ever they did to the King. Though they hated the Knight, they loathed the King in his glory and purity still more because they hated feeling bad about themselves.

However, you'll be wondering how the Earth could turn and be on the side of evil. After all, everyone is 'good'.

Good must always overcome evil. That is part of man's inbuilt moral code. If it doesn't, this code recognises that something is wrong (most of the time) and rejects it.

Therefore, good must be twisted to look like evil, and evil good, for the evil to prevail and man to accept it.

As man is already infiltrated with the power of evil, from the time that evil made out absolute good to be less, or "evil", and man chose the real evil as a 'better' good, whenever absolute good is around, it is abhorrent to man's nature.

But man must have a form of goodness, and there evil triumphs, for all it has to do is make itself appear to be a better good than absolute good.

When we chose absolute good, it will hurt. Because absolute good cannot reside in a nature already tainted by evil masquerading as "a better good". But the cleansing is worth it. Because good will always prevail.

So what happens in the war between the Dark Knight and the Great King?

Humanity as a whole has always recognised some major points. Here are three:
1) That we had a beginning.
2) That we have an ending.
3) That there was born on earth a man called Jesus Christ Who claimed to be the Son of God.

Jesus said, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life."

"This is the judgement, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God."

"I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me."

I think you know who my story was about now. ;)

So I have only one question I want to leave you with this Christmas. The most important question of all.

It's found in Matthew 27:22. And it says:

"Then what shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?"

Your decision. But everything depends on it.

Happy CHRIST mas, everyone! God bless!

~Mademoiselle Siân

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Tears We Shed

Hands cradling a tall, slim mug of hot chocolate, I leaned back in the red leathery chair and stared at the patterned white ceiling.
Music from John Waller - "While I'm Waiting" played low in the background.

I'm waiting, Lord. But peaceful? Oh yeah...painful. And not easy? Boy, that's an understatement. I hate my hurting heart. Still trying to figure out how pain like that can be so bad that it physically hurts.

Raising my left hand, I stared, blank, at the wedding ring on the fourth finger. Using my knees to hold the mug, I twisted the ring, as usual, looking for the join, but it's never there.


Because it's a perfect circle. No beginning; no ending. It's endless.

Love endures everything.

I'm blinking back more tears as I'm writing this. Apparently it is possible to cry for two days.

This is God's love for us. And this is how we should love one another.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not jealous.
Love does not brag.
Love is not arrogant.
Love does not act unbecomingly.
Love does not seek its own.
Love is not provoked.
Love does not take into account a wrong suffered.
Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness.
Love rejoices with the truth
Love bears all things.
Love believes all things.
Love hopes all things.
Love endures all things.

Love never fails.

Why? Because God is. And God is Love.

Love loves enough to let go. Love does not force. And Love waits for eternity.

*cries* (Maybe I'll cry enough that there will be no more tears to shed. *wry smile*)

After that perfectly emotional and heart-hurting post, I figure I'll lighten the mood with what I'm doing "while I'm waiting" for God to move whatever He's moving, lead me wherever He's leading me, and show me what I'm to do with these few (thank God!) years of mortality I have left.

I'm trying to make my own wedding veil. :P

(Not MINE.)

I was bored making calls at work, so I did what I've done before and designed a few random wedding dresses.
Then I figured I may as well design some veils.
Now, I love to sew, but patterns confuse me. So while I wanted to make them, I thought about starting off on a somewhat smaller scale and see what happened.
So I spent £20 at our dear little shop, 'Hole in the Wall', and bought 3 metres of silvery organza, a box of silver beads and grey lace.

Then I finger-wove the headband, which will be attached to a band of elastic,. :D Here it is, in various stages of creation. (Took me over an hour with ten strands!)

IF it works, I'm going to try and sell it on eBay for roughly £50. Profit of £30 wouldn't be bad! :)

Yes, yes. I AM holding one strand in my teeth. :P ^

I've also got a short Christmas story which I may feel undrained enough tonight to scribble down, and share with you over the next couple of days.

But pray to love. And pray for God to change you. When you do, know intense pain is coming your way. But know He does nothing without a reason.
And you WILL be purified.
And you WILL be made like Christ.

Bow your head, and pick up your splinter of the Cross.

No matter the cross.
No matter the confusion when people tell you one thing (like you're wasting your life) and you're hearing another (Him calling you to wait).
No matter the pain. *bites lip*

He is worth it.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Verbal Post 2

Gosh, I sound so nerdy... XD

Anyway. On Michael Card, the closeness of God and the unspeakable aching.

Sunday, December 09, 2012

Love Is A Shelter

One of the best songs about love is in the film "Fireproof". It's written by Warren Barfield.

"Love is a shelter
In a raging storm.
Love is peace
In the middle of a war.
If we try to leave,
May God send angels to guard the door.
No, love - it's not a fight
But it's something worth fighting for."

To be honest, love feels like anything but a shelter. And right now, it feels like the raging battle.

I guess the key word there is "feels".

Those of you who follow me on Facebook will notice in the last few days I changed my relationship status back to single. (Because as we all know, nothing is official unless done on Facebook. *wry grin*)
I kinda caused a fight with Mr. C (remember, from In Love With Two Guys?), except he never fights. We're like the proverbial cat and dog. I yowl and scratch and leap and claw and he's like your faithful old Labrador...he sits there and is calm and takes it. *another wry grin*

It was a pretty big issue for me, though I can't and won't go into much detail. But yeah, I guess the relationship status change will have to signify how much.

I was angry. And hurt. And bitter. And in pain. I think I'm still a little of most, except the bitterness is replaced by confusion.

I decided that I couldn't cope any more...with the constant pain caused by this reoccurring situation. Although I couldn't love anyone the same again (and that's only understood if you know what a unique gifting this has been), I was going to leave myself open to the next relationship to come along. Thankfully, only three guys who I'd never marry pounced. :P

If you know me at all, you know that pain is something I can't stand. And to be hurting again is more than I can take.

Remember that I said the key word is "feels"?


Love isn't a feeling. I've preached that from here before too.

Love is a gift. A gift from God. And all love is based on the unconditional love of God. Until God Himself (who is Love) tells you to stop loving don't really have a right to.

There was, a long time ago, a dark night. A man knelt in a garden, crumpled under the weight of pain, rocking back and forth in his agony.
He had a few friends who'd come to be with him, for they had a feeling from some stuff he'd said earlier that evening that something bad was about to happen. But when he looked around at them, to find comfort in their presence there at the moment of his bitter anguish, he found that they were all asleep. And he was alone. His torment was something he'd never gone through before. It was a cool night, but his body was pouring sweat as his mind went through in every detail the agony of what was to come. And worst of all, his father's rejection. The hour when his father would see him, covered in guilt and shame, and turn away.

But - what was the horror that forced his hand to this? You see, the man was in love. A deep, committed love. And the bride that he'd chosen was filthy. She'd been created by his father, raised, nurtured, loved, cherished, made to be the son's bride for his companionship. And she'd rebelled and gone her own way. Spat in his father's face and defied him. And she'd also gone off and slept around with loads of guys, and even told people and almost believed it herself that she didn't know who they were any more.

And his father - well, he was the most perfect guy you'd ever meet. He was completely, 100% perfect. So he couldn't stand her being anywhere near him any more.
But the son had committed to loving that bride. And he loved her so much, he decided to lower himself to where she was now (he was the Crown Prince, you see) and to take her shame as her husband. And to pay the debt to allow her to come back into his father's presence. Which meant he had to die. But he also had to appear completely guilty before his father, and go through complete rejection.

I didn't have a good father, but I know something what it feels like when a father rejects you.

And he had to go through that all alone. And he loved his father so, so much...they were one in heart, mind and spirit. They did everything together. They were as one. So you can imagine in some small way what that man went through for his bride. Who didn't really have any claim on him. He'd Just chosen to love her that way.

I guess you know who I'm talking about.

Cause that Man's name is Jesus. The God-Man.

*cough* So love is commitment. Love is going through pain. Love is a choice.

If it's gifted you from God, it's nothing to lightly drop.

To be hurting again is more than I can take. But it's not more than I can take with God's Hand holding me. (Sheesh, did I Just say that...?)

If your love is struggling right now?

Go and find it shelter where it came from.

In Jesus Christ our Rock, for He is our Shelter. And yah...I'd say He knows something about love, wouldn't you?

So I'm changing my relationship status back to complicated. And this is the reason why.

Because love doesn't have to be returned, but it has to be given - no matter the cost or the pain.

Because God gave me this love, and it's nothing to throw away lightly.

Because love is not a fight. But it's something worth fighting for.

In Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Love Gives Up

Lying here in bed (don't shout at me! :P) thinking. And therefore blogging.

Been having a few thinky days actually. Particularly in respect to one struggling friendship where I lean pretty heavily (and unfairly) on the other person. I've tried to back away before, to no avail. So I'm trying again.

I don't know how it'll go. I'll be praying and trying to move on to a new path, which I think will be best for both of us. I honestly don't know what else to do.

Which could mean an entirely different path for me than I'd dreamed.

Recently, I've been posting a lot of stuff in relation to marriage - mostly caused by the swarms of friends who are suddenly deciding to get into serious relationships, get engaged, and a certain group of them, married. Plus I'm looking at ways of extra income and thinking of how to design my own wedding veils and dresses (please note Pinterest explanation ;) ).

It strikes me that there's a certain depth of love that few of us can reach. The love that gives up.

It lets go.

And it doesn't stop loving. I dread the pain that comes with that. But with pain, as I've said so often, is growth.

Love that is a freewill sacrifice to God. It gives upwards to Him. It surrenders to Him.


Still thinking,
In Christ,

Friday, November 30, 2012

Love Has No Expiration Date - Guest Post

I read a quote from my fav aeroplane brother Miguel Flores once. It struck a chord, and I and I think, others, asked him to write more.

As you know, love has a big meaning for me. Been struggling with a few things today and this really struck me again as I re-read it.

Without further ado, I give you: Miguel Flores.

You are walking down a grocery isle and you pick up a new product on the shelf called “love.” It appears to be a special kind, with the subtext saying that it’s specifically for romantic love. Turning it over to read the label, you see that it has a wide variety of ingredients in it--things like patience, affection, selflessness, and other hard-to-swallow things.

You put it in your basket, thinking it might help you with your relationship problems. Little did you realize that you skipped over the disclaimer’s tag, saying that some side effects of “love” might include “pain, hurt, loneliness, suffering, and even hate” if used inappropriately.

And, ironically enough, you also miss the tag that points out that there is no expiration date, which doesn’t seem important at first glance. But, things that don’t have expirations turn out to be very important things; and the implications of such a thing can have dire consequences when unheeded.

Hey guys, listen carefully. (And don’t worry. I’ll be talking to both sides of the equation). You know that phrase? That popular one that cycles around with you and girls a lot. Guess what? The word in there, "love", doesn't have an expiration date. There's no "good for two weeks per girl" tag on it either. Isn't that crazy? "I love you" means "forever". So why do we treat it doesn’t?

If someone says "I love you" then the implication should instantly be "I will love you always," every single time. Instead we treat "I love you" like some trashy catch phrase; most people only mean to say "I like you a lot, but only for as long as I'm interested in you."

But love isn't something that fades away; true love stays, and true love stays forever. If you truly love someone, you will love them through any circumstance or consequence; you will love them whether they're a breath away or in another world entirely; you will love them whether they’re holding your hand or turning their back on you.

(Not an excuse for you to keep stalking ex-girlfriends, by the way. All I’m saying is that love doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to have a perfect relationship; sometimes love means letting go. Love is a two-way thing, and it often means caring for the other person even when they don’t care as much for you.)

So the next time you're about to tell that “special” girl that you "love" her, think about your words carefully. Do you really mean it, or is she just another toy to you? Another pair of jeans you'd like to try on? Is she just another pretty, dispensable face?

Because if you say "I love you" then it had better mean forever, or else your love doesn't matter, it isn't worth much, and it definitely shouldn't be given to her. If your “I love you” doesn’t mean forever, then your “I love you” isn’t good enough; maybe you don’t even really love her. So think about that. "I love you" isn't just a sign of affectionate emotion; it's a soulful, heart-filled promise.

Now that I’ve thoroughly beaten up the guys, it’s time to point out all your issues--lovingly of course. Unfortunately, the world’s a messed up place. If you’ve lived on it, and I’m assuming that everyone reading this has in fact lived on planet earth, then you’ll know this sad fact to be true.

This means that relationships aren’t, nor ever will be, perfect. Much as we’d like them to be, the truth of the matter is that we all have to work at relationships, and we’ve got to work hard (no matter what type of relationship it is--whether romantic or friendships or family or work, etc.).

Because this world is messed up, and relationships are messed up, this means that people are messed up too. So, by now you’re probably exasperated at me basically telling you everything you already know about this annoying thing called life. But, my point is this: even when everything sucks, one of the few things that holds things together is love.

Fortunately, love, as mentioned, doesn’t have an expiration date. Unfortunately, the world does. While love has been built to last forever, it has been plunged into a dark, dying world where nothing lasts forever. So, maybe this is the reason so many people say “I love you” as if they don’t know that it, or even want it to, lasts forever.

With that in mind, girls, please don’t lose hope. Set your expectations high anyway and don’t settle for a lowlife who will treat you less than you deserve. Guys, don’t play the game. Get your priorities straight and treat girls the way they should be treated.

Don’t let yourselves be hardened by people who hurt you. They’re broken, just like you. They’re blind, needy, maybe ignorant, maybe misguided; they simply don’t understand love. Just remember that no matter what goes wrong in your life, you should still love anyway. Even though it brings a lot of heartache, with the way that a broken world has redefined love, the very power of love itself heals.

Love doesn’t have an expiration date, and it doesn’t come in limited doses.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Love Notes

You cannot love God unless your spirit is alive.

The world approaches love in one of two ways - body and soul, or soul and body. It's based on physical attraction or emotional compatability. There's a third aspect which no one considers.

Every religion recognises something that most non-religionists don't. Man has an inbuilt need to worship. That is caused by the spirit.

The spirit is dead until Christ enters it when we are born again and it comes alive.

Christians should approach love from the other end of the triangle - top down. Spirit, soul, body.

The world recognises marriage as a union between people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, but it cannot recognise the reason it is so powerful, why it is so attacked, and why it is being so twisted and perverted as it is.

Because it is one of the most powerful demonstrations of the love of God to man, of the union between Christ and the church; the most liveable of all loves.

And the second that is attacked the most? Parenthood. Father God to His children. Weak fathers, dominant mothers, rebellious children, all focused on themselves.

Love so powerful. Love so perverted.

I wonder what would happen if the greatest force in Creation became pure.

Oops, I did.

In Christ. ;)

And that was world changing.
And life changing.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Rant the 100th - Giving Up The Holes

There's four projects currently running in the call centre. Two of those are the People First project, which most of the guys are working on - an intensely pressured job on which the target is 5 a day and you must get at least 4 a day or run the risk of being laid off; and Women in Leeds, another highly stressful task because of how boring it is.

Most of the responses are no replies or answer phones (now we have cleared out the horrible unobtainables and withheld numbers which shrill piercingly down your ear and one after another are torturous) as most women are out at work during the day. When people actually do answer, there is an incredible amount of refusals, men answering to say their wife/partner isn't there and won't be until gone six pm, or people hanging up in the first sentence (which is quite emotionally knocking, for me anyway).

I'm sitting here writing this as I'm dialling in an attempt to keep my poor brain occupied. I'm an outdoor person, stimulated most by physical activity, and sitting here physically (for the most part of the day) and mentally inactive is driving me bananas. The most we're allowed to do while on the phone is scribble or doodle. I sleep or read during breaks, and design dresses, scribble bits of stories, plots or songs, pray or - apparently - handwrite blog posts while making calls which are likely to be answer phones or no replies. Most of the time on projects I can't do this, and even now, I only get about five words down before having to move on to my next call. If my rate drops below the required 35-40 calls an hour, I'll be monitored and have to stop doing this. I should be thankful I get to do this, but I'm really struggling at the moment. :P

God and I had a conversation the other night. Well, it was more like a tear-splashed rant. In which I reminded Him what He already knows, that I love my colleagues and my bosses, but that this job is emotional torment for me. I begged Him for the hundredth time for a job with better wages nearer home, and told Him about how exhausted (mentally and emotionally) I am coming home, from lack of mental stimulation, over emotional use (rejection etc), and grieving over my dreams.
Dreams to found and run a home for injured people, or a convent where I could encourage single people and point them towards Christ, while they still are open to the possibility of marriage/preparing for marriage, while also keeping the door open for any injured people who come to find peace, healing and hope - by pointing them to Christ.
Dreams of helping young people, people who have been through what I've been through, and living out Christ's work in my life.
Dreams of writing.
Dreams of dancing.
Dreams of marrying the guy I love and having my own home and children.
Dreams of travelling all over the world, of climbing mountains, of emigration, dreams of singing professionally, dreams of learning languages, of saving children from abortion and adopting them.

When my brain is alert enough to grieve over them, it does. I hate this forced stagnation, even though it's partially my fault for never knowing what I wanted to do apart from joining the military. I hate the ache inside that realises I will probably never fulfil a lot of those dreams. The constant tiredness, the knowledge that I'm doing no good to anyone currently, the constant slipping up and falling, the wishing I could blend helping people online with housework and still failing both miserably, the missing dreams and longings and the emotional and mental gunk from my job are all generating a constant mound towards depression.

Which I talked out in a stream of frustrated tears, broken sentences and long silences, to God.

And He did the unpredictable again.

He asked for my dreams back.

But I'd already surrendered them. And besides, I hadn't got any to give back. They were all gone. Impossible figments of a once-active imagination. All I'd got were the gaps they'd left. Holes full of pain, sorrow, frustration, grief, and yes, even a little anger.

So maybe that's what He's asking for.

My holes.

The aching empty longing. The knowledge that many dreams won't come true.

But what can GOD do with HOLES?

The same that He can do with nothing. He creates something beautiful.

He wants my holes. He wants me to trust Him with them. To continue with the knowledge that my dreams are wisps, to let go and still hope in an invisible future while the world grows dark because He, the Light of the World, is there and has promised me a future, whether here or in glory.

So that's faith...the courage to take a step out in the darkness, when crossing the mire of life and you can't see your hand in front of your face, in the knowledge beyond knowledge that He is holding you.

And that's lean on an Unseen Hand in darkness and believe He will carry you through.

I don't know about people who say Christianity is a crutch. It's the most intensely painful, deliberately vulnerable and highly accountable positions anyone could choose to be in.
But it's worth it.

In Psalm 23, the Psalmist says, "Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup overflows."

I like to think of the cup as the holes. Because God does pour healing oil on our wounds. And we do grow. And He blesses us far more than we'd imagined, when we're crying for the trinket instead of searching for the gold.

Our God is an Awesome God. He has promised Himself to those who seek after Him and do His Will.

This reality, all we know, is only dust. He is the Only Reality.

I'm falling short of words, and am still struggling with my holes. *smiles a bit*
I pray we all learn the bliss of sweet surrender, for as much as our proud hearts hate it and think we can do better, there is a real peace and joy in surrender.

In Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Monday, November 12, 2012

Statement of Manhood

I guess it's a pretty well known fact that I don't trust guys.

Even though I love my brothers, (I really do. You guys are awesome!), I still can't trust most of the guys I know.
(That not being entirely your faults; often it's mine, in that I feel I can't trust you because you don't know how bad I am. :P)

There are a few that made it into my closed, barred, walled and icy heart. Because when it comes to trusting, that's exactly what I am. Remember I said that was what God was working on next? :D

Those few (four/five in total) have faced every kind of backfire you could possibly imagine from me. And they still care about me. They're pretty amazing guys. God's...God works so clearly in them and through them to the people around them. To me, they're the epitome of Unconditional Love. God's Love.

It was 5am GMT, and 11pm CST, when one of these guys was up chatting me one night. I won't name him to spare him embarrassment, but he's one of my closest friends and totally awesome.

What he said that night stuck with me over the following three months until I decided to write up this blog post in honour of what, to me, was a declaration of manhood.

"You have my unconditional love as my sister in Christ.
As a man, I will strive to be faithful in our friendship as God is faithful to you in everything.
No matter how painful, or numb, or senseless you might feel right now, it will come to an end, it always does, and Jesus will come through for you
He will always come through.
It can be so hard to wait, but the wait will end
God is growing you, and has plans for your life, however bleak the present seems
He will, and is, using you to touch lives and show love for his glory
No one's life is easy, your's least of all
But it will be worth it in the end.
Persevere to the end Siân, continue to fight for life, to trust in God, and love those around you."

I still go back, read and reread that chat from time to time.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't know how much he's blessed me. He's stayed with me from the heights to the depths that so few know. And he still loves me, unconditionally, as God loves me.

That's pure love. The love that every man and woman needs to have. It's a gift; no mistake.
"Ask, and it shall be given unto you. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be opened unto you."

"But now abide faith, hope and love - these three. But the greatest of these is love."

"Love covers a multitude of sins."

Here is Love vast as the ocean,
Lovingkindness as a flood.
When the Prince of Life, my ransom,
Shed for me His precious blood.
Who, His love, will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heaven's eternal days.

Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Love of every love the best!
Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
Tis a Haven, sweet, of rest.
Oh, the deep, deep love of Jesus,
Tis a Heaven of Heavens to me.
And it lifts me up to glory -
For it lifts me up to Thee.

Men and women. Men and women of God. Can we take the same vow? To love unconditionally? Can we pray to love with the love of God - to be open vessels to love to those around us?

In Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

I Have Given You A Future

I'm hastily writing this before going downstairs to get on with some housework. No, I haven't forgotten the BGT blog post, you should get it tomorrow. ;)

Two places in the Bible do God's promises of a future stand out to me - the well known verse in Jeremiah, where He says,
"‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart,"
and a lesser known verse in Isaiah, where He tells us,
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. 'Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."

I'm heading out for an appointment with a psychologist this afternoon, due to pressure from family and friends. :P

I don't personally think it will do much good for now. In about a year or so, when some other things have stopped or at least distanced, then there will be more of a chance for something like turning to face it all will succeed.

However, as much as my current hurting has been jibed at by people who know me little to not at all, I do want to heal. I have expressed that so many times.

Although I've longed and cried and prayed to die, I know, as my friends Kyle, Brendan and Mama Lauser keep reminding me, that God has a reason for me being here. That every next breath I take is still a gift, whether unwelcome or not, from His Hand. I know that some of you, although very few now, still need me.

The process of getting hurt is easy. The running from it is intrinsically and pathetically painful and trapping. The fighting dealing with it is scarring. Turning to face your monsters is bravery.

I guess I just wanted to leave you with this today. Monsters of your past, of your physical memory or spiritual past, aren't anything to be scorned or laughed at. They're real. And sooner or later, you're gonna have to face them, unless you want to spend your life running.

But there's God Who will come alongside if you but ask, and give you strength and courage and fight your battle with you.

It takes courage to do that.

Courage to humble yourself before God and ask for help.

Courage to face your monsters.

And oh yes.

It takes courage to heal.

In Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Britain's Got Talent

So I made a chicken goulashy thing for tea. :D No, it wasn't against the Daleks. *cough* It was so yummy, I wrote down the recipe before I forgot it. :D

Fry an onion in butter (preferably in a saucepan :D).
Add one can of chopped tomatoes.
Chop in half of the chicken breast (we use a whole chicken for three days' meals).
Throw in some fresh herbs (basil, thyme and oregano) and dried herbs (basil and mixed herbs).
Sprinkle with Spicy Chill Mix (El Paso).
Grate in some cheese.

Heat up Lemon Basmati Rice in the microwave.

For drinks, serve up bitter lemon and Tango orange.


I'm lying here in bed, very, very conscious that in six hours time, I will be at the ICC in Birmingham auditioning for Britain's Got Talent.

I keep shooting between certainty of failure and positive terror. :P I know that operatic style singers aren't usually taken to kindly, I know I'm not a trained singer, I know I blush bright red when I have to sing in front of people. I know my voice could crack, although it's not likely to fail from sheer stage fright. I know the fact I've chosen not to have a backing track could make it even worse as everything will hang on my untrained voice.

I know some of my peers will think I shouldn't be going for this. I know I'm terrified of being emotionally damaged from feedback.

But I know a couple of other things too.

I know that while my singing may not be good enough to pass professionally, that it has brought beauty and joy and inspiration to others.

While it may sound displeasing to the judges, it will one day, Lord willing, delight my children.

I know that in 24 hours, this will all be over.

I know that I love singing, I always will, and it is one of the most exquisite expressions of my soul for me.

I know that while I long to earn my living by a different exercise of my voice - singing rather than phone conversations - God knows best where I should be.

I know that I am blessed with the intense amount of support from family, work colleagues and friends - especially my Yanks. :D

I know that this entire affair is in the Lord's Hands, and if this is where He wants me, as it appears to be for at least today, then He will give me courage and strength. Britain's Got Talent isn't the end of the world; Heaven and Hell are.
God has promised me that a) He will be with me always, even to the end of the age; b) to be strong and courageous, for He it is that goes with me; and c) that I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength.

While I truly want to be successful, even though I doubt it, I know that in the end, it's where He wants me that matters. Where He has planned my life to go.

And I know it will be beautiful. :)

Love in Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Sunday, October 21, 2012

In Love With Someone I've Never Met

Now I've posted one topic on the state of my affections, ready yourselves for a barrage of day-to-day stuff I notice comparative between the love of God and this earthly, God-given affection. :D

One of my friends posted an interesting reply to my last night tweet, which was: God is so very good to me, that I'm so very in love with two wonderful guys.

He said: You can't be 'in love' with someone you've never met.

I'm guessing he meant I couldn't be in love with God.
But again, I had to chuckle, because the guy I'm in love with now, I have loved for two years. I met him last year and spent a very short period of time with him, and that has been the one and only time in our lives, in our four-and-a-half year friendship that we've met.

Oh yes, I can be in love with someone I've never met.

I spend time every day or couple of days chatting with him.
I talk about him.
I think about him.
I pray over him.
I think of him when doing something and what he'd like or he'd do.
I keep his letters with me.
I dream of the day that he'll come to visit my country.


Sound familiar? ;)

What do we do with our relationship with God? Sure, we've never met Him physically, face to face.

How do we get to know Him? How do we fall in love with Him?

We spend time with Him, daily, talking to Him like He's standing there. Prayer's not a formality, it's a communication/conversation. He's _your best Friend._

How about talking about Him? If not with those who don't know him, then with those who also do and encourage them to fall in love with Him.

Think about Him. Dwell on His goodness and faithfulness, His little love gifts which are the everyday common place blessings.

Praise Him! Tell Him how thankful you are for Who and What He is and what He has done! How do you build up the person you love? Words of affirmation! Words that show confidence in him and his decisions, that show trust in him as a man. Why do less for Almighty God? He doesn't NEED it, but He likes to hear it and it brings us closer!

When you're doing your day-to-day activities, ask yourself if it's something He would like or that He would do. Give Him the same respect you should show your lover - listen to His opinions.

And where'd you find those? In what has been called the greatest Love Letter of all time. God chose to record and share His entire history and show all of the past that He knows, good and bad - with you. He shared the greatest gift He could ever give you through that Letter - the death of Christ on the cross for your sins, and the resurrection which He conquered death with. I wish my heart gave the same thrill every time I open the Bible that it does when I open Mr. Charming's letters. I want to reread the Bible over and over with the same enjoyment that I reread every word he wrote. Take it with you wherever you go - if not physically, then in your heart. :)

And how often do we dream of the day that He'll come to take us home and we'll be with Him forever and ever?
I'll share a little secret with you.
For at least the first thousand years, I want to curl up in a ball at the Lord's feet, and wind my fingers into a corner of His robe, (hopefully He has one for that purpose ;)) and sit there staring up into His face. He doesn't have to notice me. I know He'll love me anyway.


So...yeah. Some of these I do, some of them I'm ashamed that I don't. I'm ashamed I'm scared to speak up and stand up for the One Who has done so much for me, as much as I vigorously defend my love for Mr. Charming. (Sorry, you're all going to have to put up with that name for him.) What about you?

Cause for the rest of your life, physically in love, married or single, you're going to have a Love to love. And that's a Love beyond compare.

Go and retrain yourself to fall in love with Someone you've never met. Physically. Go and meet Him in Spirit.

~In Love with Love Who is God,

Mademoiselle Siân

Saturday, October 20, 2012


I had the day off work, and a brill day yesterday.


So I'm going to tell you ALLLL about it.

I woke up at 10am. *cough*

By midday, I'd chatted three people, had two phone calls, and sorted out online banking and my bus pass ID card. I'd spoken to Mom and phoned Hollybush Garden Nurseries and attempted to purchase an indoor water fountain, thanks to a lovely lady who sent money to Mom as a get well present.

After getting dressed, I headed downtown to post a parcel to one of my friends for his upcoming birthday.

I stopped into Wilkinsons Hardware Store and bought some brown tape (because the package wasn't very secure), a military man figure with removeable helmet, gun, binocs and stuffs for Joseph's Christmas present, and a candle for Mom's.

Heading up to Tesco's, I bought three bouquets and a pair of Jeans, then took one bouquet over to the ladies in Walsall College who saved a good part of my hair the other day when it had to be cut.

Walking back through town, I was texting one of my close friends in the US through Twitter's Direct Messaging system (I LOVE THAT THING), and looked at the clock. I had to be home for 2 as the workman was coming between 2-4 to fix the washing machine. It was 13:58.

Oh well, I thought, and veered off into Argos, where I'd seen a £24.99 wedding ring for sale months before.
I programmmed the number into the checking machine, and it said "Please go and purchase at the Jewellery Counter."
So I did... :P

She asked my ring size; I said I didn't know. She glanced at my hand, and held out a ring on a ring chain, which I tried on.
Stepping outside the back, she brought the ring back and asked if I wanted to wear it. I said yes...and haven't taken it off since. It's nice to have a ring that perfectly fits my finger instead of Just adapting rings to it.
No, I'm not married...yes, it's for protection. ;)

Even got 1-2 years insurance on it. :D

Got home and started chatting to one of my close friends cause I was all excited about my purchases, and then the workman arrived. He was a lovely chatty fellow, and we spent 20 minutes chatting while he fixed the washing machine by reprogramming the computer. He was amused by my sense of humour and said I should go on Britain's Got Talent...and then nearly had heart failure when I assured him that I was. :P

After that, I realised that - guess what? I'd failed to post the parcel. :D So I went back out...and as I shut the door behind me, I realised I'd left my keys in the back door. So I was locked out.

The question of whether to visit Mom since she had another all-day visitor became a certainty. She has the only other set of keys. :P

The bouquet which I'd also intended for my sister became Mom's as well, as I wasn't taking flowers to the hospital to explain them away, when I was going to give her flowers anyway...

Took the bus into Walsall and trotted off to the post office, sent off the parcel, and then walked up from town to the hospital.

Where I met the pleasant news and spent an hour with Mom and took photos. :P

Then I walked home...literally. The bus wasn't there and I hate waiting. Consequently, I was tired. :P

Got home, picked up the other flowers and took them around to my sister, and spent about half an hour there with my beautiful little niece.

I sat down next to Ayanna.
She picked up my hand in her two little ones and put it on her lap, then started stroking my arm.
Got to my hand and ran her tiny fingers over my rough skin.
Looked up at me and then at her mom, Samantha, and pointed back at a particularly dry patch of eczema on my wrist.
It wasn't even that visible!
Such a clever girl. Not even two yet! *is proud Auntie*

Then I walked very tired...and started cooking my tea, which had to be warmed up three times. :P Finally curled up on my bed with it, a glass of Coke and a Bakewell cake, and watched The Angels Take Manhattan.

Cleared up and tended to Sparkie and Scat and then went to bed!

THAT has been my most productive Friday in over a year.

Don't anyone dare tell me that God isn't good. *smiles quietly*

To have legs that move and eyes that see, ears that hear and hands that touch, minds that think clearly and clothes to wear, a roof over your head and money to give, and a heart to love with the love of God.

Oh, that is mercy and richness and blessings and love beyond compare. HOW GREAT THOU ART!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Approaching Catalyst

Kristin D and I have a unique friendship. It began at OYAN Summer Workshop, 2012, when I looked into her eyes and said the words she's never forgotten. "(God has given me the gift so) I can read eyes."

One of the closest sisters and friends I have, we have a special relationship. She's one of those people, the ones that you can bring God smack dab into a conversation without feeling awkward - or where you don't even realise He's in it, but He is. She's been one of the greatest encouragements and lifesavers in my life.

God is very much in our friendship.

September 13th, several days after one of the greatest sins in my life.

I was talking to Kristin.

In her words:
[3:35:47 PM] Kristin D: Okay I had read Psalm 3... and then musing over it... Something with you had blown up that day... and I was writing about you, and about me...
"We're both weak, and both near the edge. I'm asking God for miracles at this point. We're both broken. But after reading that Psalm, I have a feeling that God's about to do something big. Really big."

October 12th, early evening:

Chatting with older brother and mentor Keifer L.

(11:12:03 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: I feel awful.
(11:43:07 PM) Keifer Lucchi: I feel fairly scummy too...
(11:47:49 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: What's up?
(11:48:16 PM) Keifer Lucchi: Lots of temptation
(11:48:25 PM) Keifer Lucchi: Lots of stupid obvious attacks
(11:48:37 PM) Keifer Lucchi: A lot on To Turn Back Time
(11:48:51 PM) Keifer Lucchi: Satan HATES this film
(11:48:55 PM) Keifer Lucchi: Hates it
(11:49:04 PM) Keifer Lucchi: I just want to be left alone!
(11:49:24 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: *hugs*
(11:49:28 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: ...
(11:49:29 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: Hang on.
(11:49:35 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: You're getting obvious attacks too?
(11:50:13 PM) Keifer Lucchi: Yup
(11:52:07 PM) Sian Garner-Jones: Hmmm...
(12:52:52 AM) Keifer Lucchi: Tech related today
(12:52:53 AM) Keifer Lucchi: But yeah
(12:52:53 AM) Keifer Lucchi: Dead monitor.
(12:52:53 AM) Keifer Lucchi: Phantom dead hard hard drive space
(12:52:53 AM) Keifer Lucchi: Stupid printer deleated itself
(12:52:53 AM) Keifer Lucchi: And yeah...

An hour later, I post on Facebook:

[3:25:24 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: Fairly curious and an odd question.

Who else is getting obvious, seemingly pointless attacks off Satan right now? As opposed to the usual subtlety that you don't notice for ages.

Nicolae Bookwyrm Holley I.
15 hours ago · Like

Miguel Flores A lot of people are.

I don't know if it's necessarily Satan or not for everyone, but there have been a lot more direct attacks on many of the people I know and myself.

I wonder if this perhaps could be a clue that Christians should be getting ready for something.
15 hours ago · Unlike · 7

Jacki Crooks I haven't been personally getting attacked, but I have been feeling the effects of what I am beginning to suspect might be spiritual attacks on someone near me.
14 hours ago · Like

Mishpakha Cannottell yes, lots. and someone explained verry nicely on the if it was satan or not. he showed what happend in Job, that it was satan, but that God let down his protection, as a test. we may be being tested, for something greater may be about to happen. Job was given seven times as much for passing the testy.
14 hours ago · Like · 1

Timothy Meigs Yeah, some mental attacks.
13 hours ago · Like

Hannah Mills Yup. Though I'm not sure if they are from the devil or simply my own wonky brain.
12 hours ago · Unlike · 1

Rebekah Sandy Swank Ditto Hannah.
11 hours ago · Like

Brandyce DaisyButterfly Luna *raises hand shyly*
10 hours ago · Like

Christopher Roy Bates Yes the last two weeks have been awful, literally one thing after another
5 hours ago via mobile · Like

Siân Garner-Jones Now that. Is rather interesting... I thought it was -ust me until tonight...when I spoke to Keifer.
I'm going to risk being made fun of to admit that recently, attacks for me have gone ridiculous, like Satan's throwing every obvious trick in the book, from blatant "voices" that I'm worthless, to guy problems. Plus, I think God's changing me, cause I'm starting to feel stronger...and I also feel like something big is about to happen. (When I get 'feelings' like this, they have always taken place.)
Again, I thought it was on a personal level, but maybe not...
2 hours ago · Like

Liz Harris-Clark Siân I'm going through the same! I'm an absolute nightmare to be around right now with emotional outbursts raining down on me. Self-pity and dejection surround me...but it is also during a time where I am making an active point of wanting to grow closer to God through study and prayer. I don't think Satan likes that somehow!
2 hours ago · Unlike · 1

Siân Garner-Jones I wonder what on earth is going on...
2 hours ago · Like

Siân Garner-Jones Okay. Maybe not on earth.
2 hours ago · Like

Siân Garner-Jones I was talking to Mama Lauser yesterday, and she was basically saying what Liz -ust said - to use this time of obvious attacks to draw nearer to God - praising Him for everything, prayer, studying His Word, being in constant communication with Him, in preparation for the 'main event.'
about an hour ago · Like · 1

Lilly Ivring Me.

October 13th, one month after Kristin first wrote in her diary:

We chat.

[3:28:26 PM] Kristin D: Yeah... *whispers* I've been being attacked too. *nods*
[3:28:33 PM] Kristin D: ...a lot...
[3:28:35 PM] Kristin D: But...
[3:29:06 PM] Kristin D: Jesus is bigger... Jesus is stronger... the powers of Hell can't stand against us

[3:29:14 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: Amen!

[3:29:52 PM] Kristin D: And... Remember what God told Jeremiah...?

[3:30:10 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: which...?
[3:30:13 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: *tips head*

[3:30:42 PM] Kristin D: Um... the first chapter of Jeremiah... let me find it...
[3:33:03 PM] Kristin D: "Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar anda bronze wall to stand against the whole land -- against the kinds of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you."
[3:33:17 PM] Kristin D: vs 1-19

[3:33:19 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: *smiles*

[3:33:31 PM] Kristin D: If our God is for us, who shall ever stop us?

[3:33:49 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: And if our God is with us, then what shall stand against us?

[3:34:07 PM] Kristin D: Something is happening. Jesus is bringing the rain. Satan is terrified. So he's attacking. But Satan is not strong enough to defeat us, because the Living God is inside of us.

[3:37:10 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: Why do I feel like we're on the edge of a catalyst...

[3:37:16 PM] Kristin D: Catalyst?

[3:38:39 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: cat·a·lyst/ˈkatl-ist/
A substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change.
A person or thing that precipitates an event.
[3:38:42 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: Definition two.

[3:39:03 PM] Kristin D: Yah... that seems to sum it up. O.O
[3:39:19 PM] Kristin D: Okay. Well. I guess something's probably going to happen. So. Get ready.

[3:39:27 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: Mmm..yeah.

[3:40:12 PM] Kristin D: And this thing... I guess it could be good or bad. Keep our eyes on Jesus, and we will be okay. Because GOD LOVES US.

[3:40:59 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: I promise.
[3:41:06 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: And God holds the weaving, sis...
[3:41:12 PM] Siân Garner-Jones: God always holds the weaving.

[3:42:32 PM] Kristin D: Yah...
[3:42:43 PM] Kristin D: I g2g.
[3:42:48 PM] Kristin D: LOVE YOU. (heart)

I send out an email to my mentors:

"Recently, I've been starting to recognise more and more a defective, very faulty line in my thinking.

You know how terrified I am of pain.

And I know God uses pain to grow. Often, the greatest of God's blessings come with the worst kinds of pain. That's experience.:P

But still, I've always had this thing in the back of my head.

If I pretend I'm weaker than I am. If I say I can't do something I know I can through Christ. If I sin, somewhere...if I cut, or turn to one of my other addictions, and fall a little, then Satan will triumph and stop bothering me so much for a while, and ease off on the pain.

And that's where I think the getting stronger thing is...God's...enabling me to resist...some of it more than I used to be.

So the greatest of God's blessings...may soon fall, with the worst kinds of pain.

That probably didn't make much sense. :D"

I think His greatest blessings come when we let go of the sins we're hanging onto to let Him in. We're afraid of what will happen if we let go of those little failings that make up our identities in our head. And letting go of them often lets in the worst kinds of pain.

Because the things God can do with us when we let go completely can shake the world.

I wonder what He's up to now.

Love in Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Me to God: Keep me humble.
*realises what that may entail*
And not ripped up.
*favourite quote*
Unless a man is nothing, God can make nothing out of him.
*headdesk* :P

Little Parcel

I woke up this morning not feeling very good. Well, I usually feel physically great after a lie in, but not mentally, especially when waking at 1pm.

About half an hour later, Mom was just about to go out.

"Sian! There's a parcel down here for you."

I let out a shriek and bolted downstairs, as I was expecting one...although I had no idea what was in it. (I love surprise parcels, sometimes. :D)

"It can't be the one you think it's from Preston!" Mom said.

I blinked, knowing the Hodgson girls hadn't sent me anything!

Surprised, I tried to detangle the brown tape from the parcel, but it clung tightly to the lighter brown paper. The parcel was long, brown and slender - not like I was expecting. Though I didn't know WHAT I was expecting. :D

Finally ripping the tape off, I managed to start unrolling it, and eventually reached the bubble wrapping.

Now, if you're anything like me, bubble wrapping is half of the present. ;)

I stopped to read the message.

"To my beloved sister Sian. I'm sorry I couldn't find something prettier than what you see whenever you look in the mirror. These will have to do. :)"

I could see the blue colour as I began to open it, which was the only hint I'd been given, so I knew it was the parcel I'd been expecting.

Eight turquoise blue wooden roses slipped out the wrapping into my hand.

I reread the message. And cried.

I love big brothers who care so little about tradition that they do things people wouldn't normally class as proper.

Wooden roses are awesome. Because they don't die.

Thank You, Lord, for one of the most awesome guys I know, for the way he has and will touch my life and so many others. Please continue to bless him, strengthen him, and grow him mightily in You. Prepare him for the work that You have for him, and give him the strength and courage to do it.

In Christ's Name,

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

In Love With Two Guys

Dear guys, blokes, men and gentlemen,

This is particularly addressed at you, although it's also a general announcement, because I want you to know where I stand, why I'm off limits and why my Facebook status reads, "It's complicated."

Simply because a lot of guys seem to read, "It's complicated" on any girl's status not as a chance to help them out (not me in this case) but as a chance to get a foot in the door.

I also want to explain what love means to me - something far beyond mere emotion or fluff, or something that can wither and die. If you've read my blog long enough, you'll know what love is to me. Eternal, unconditional, priceless. True love is God - the heart of God to man. And true love is a gift from God, planted in someone's heart, to never be given up on and thrown away. If God has given you love, then it's nothing to sacrifice lightly.

I didn't start this way. When I first fell in love, it was a deliberate choice. The second time, it grew on me. And then it was attachment and emotion. Everything since, God has grown in my heart.

So yes...the title. I'm in love with two guys.
Jesus Christ, my Saviour and God.
And Prince Charming.

Prince Charming is still a mystery man, the guy who will one day, if God wills, marry me. I still don't know who he is.

But there is a guy who God has gifted me with love for; whether or not he chooses to pursue/love me in the future is not my business. God has called me to love him and wait for him without question.

I cannot claim to understand the mind of God. This path has not been an easy one to walk. The pain, tears, letting go, clinging on, trusting, has been a massive Spiritual growth area in my life.
There is no point in the future, whether anything happens or not, that I will regret having loved him.
Because this is the method God chose to reveal His heart to me. When I started to come out of my backslide, he was the only person that I had any real care for outside of my own pain.

When I realised I loved him, it was based off exactly what I had before. Feelings, emotion, up and down. Like any crush. But in a world where I'd suddenly discovered what men could be like, he was the only guy that I trusted in any shape or form. I prayed and prayed and it wouldn't go away. And I remember one day, having a talk with my adopted big brother, and we both saw the crossroads, because in spite of loving him, I kept jumping from one guy to another. And I made the choice to commit to loving him. And God started to show me Love.

Through the pain and tears, the momentary joys and the clinging on to fragile hope that smashed every minute with the pain that was last year, God showed me beauty I cannot describe. I remember standing at the bus stop one day after work, absolutely blinded by the beauty of His love that He was showing me.
I'm still speechless and unable to...say. I can only try

Through giving me love for him, teaching me to love him and how to love him, through his brotherly, constant, unwavering and unconditional love for me, I have seen more of the love and heart of God than I could ever have grasped.

I'd like to state here that he loves me as my brother in Christ - different to the way I love him. But like I just said - that's not my business. Following Christ is, and that's the way He calls me to walk.

During the several years we have been friends, he has stayed by me through thick and thin - through my falling in love the first time, my backsliding, the breakup of our friendship after which he STILL refused to leave, through multiple blockings and cut offs from me, through my swearing at him, even to the worst sins. I keep thinking of a sin that would send him away. And nothing does.

He literally lives Christ's love to me.

I've lashed out at him, tried to hurt him, tried to send him away. I've sinned so badly I thought I was beyond forgiveness and that he'd leave me. I still ask him to reassure me that he won't leave, after he promised that he wouldn't. If I go off in a temper, he stays. He always forgives, always comes back, always says he's sorry. And pretty much always he's gentle with me, solid and calm and there. Like a rock.

Isn't that the way Christ is with us? *looks at you all straight in the eyes*

I used to be sure that God loved the whole world, but never that He loved me individually. That I was special to Him. That if the whole world was righteous and I the only sinner, that He loved me individually enough to die for me. I was convinced I was second best, disgusting...every negative thing the people closest to me told me about myself. Proud, arrogant, show off, know it all, pretender, hypocrite. You name it. (Which is not the best thing to do, ever.) I think they thought that if I was told more positive stuff about myself, I'd become even more arrogant.
They're right in one sense. Part of me is. But part of me isn't.

And it took this guy's unconditional, unwavering love to show me that.

Since he's actually overseas, my love for him doesn't just have to stand the test of time, but the test of distance. Which is something I struggle with often. Not the deep down core of me, which loves him completely. But the human part of me, that is lonely and tired and hurting, struggles. It's not going to change though. This is what God has called me to.

One thing that stands out heavily to me in the love of God, which is what all love should be modelled on, is the relationship between Christ and the Church. It's long distance. :P
I think I sympathise more with the Church now in her wanderings and strayings, desperately trying to stay faithful and finding it so hard, than I have in my entire existence as a Christian.
But God loves her. He stays faithful. And He loves her unconditionally.

He doesn't stop loving her because she's on earth. And she doesn't stop loving Him because He's not physically with her.

Oh, it's so hard. *smiles quietly* And I know at least one of my sisters will understand that, and honey, I love you. :)

But as the friend I chatted with about this said, it is possible. It's possible to love where it's not returned the way you wanted. It's possible to love when all powers of hell seem to stand against you. It's possible to love those that you don't think you could ever love. It's possible to love.

You know why?

Because the power of Christ is in you.

*smiles* Isn't that glorious? Isn't the power of Christ within us unlimited when we let go and let Him love out?

So yes.

I'm in love with two guys, both miles away; one Heavenly, one earthly; one modelling the love that the First has already bestowed. And that ain't gonna change until God Himself tells me to stop loving that guy. And He's never going to stop the relationship between Him and me, even if the other changes, is stopped, or whatever.

I have a relationship with Almighty God. Isn't that fantastic.

So yeah. Guys, you have your explanation. ;) I'm sorry, I'm very, very much taken. And oh yes, it's complicated. ;) You honestly have no right to even challenge this unless you can match up to that. :P

And I guess I'd just like to ask You to bless that guy right now, Father, for living You to me with his life and unchanging consistency. Bless him with many blessings, draw him ever closer to You, change him, mold him and make him more and more like You. Bless him richly in the ways You know.

And thank You. So, so much.

How Great is our God!

Love always in Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Smashing the Laws of Pharisaical Parenthood

I'd like to point out a fact.

There's parenthood.

And there's parents.

Parenthood is a God-ordained authority at the head of the family, where husband (leading authority figure) co-joins with wife to provide a supportive guidance network to care for physical, emotional and spiritual needs, requiring implicit trust and obedience when the child is not of an age to make informed decisions for themselves and is still learning about the world.
This institution is, as all institutions should be, submitted to Divine guidance and treated with humble fear and trembling by husband and wife, as they (as one) represent the relationship between God as Father and men as His children (when born again).

Parents are the people in that institution, and should be fully aware of their responsibilities to the next generation and before Almighty God before ever taking on the role of making babies.

While parenthood is a God institution and should be respected as such, some parents treat it as though they have the "Divine right of kings", demanding implicit obedience to everything - and abusing their power.

The Bible commands children to obey their parents IN THE LORD.
Your walk with God is individual, as is your salvation - between you and God. As soon as you are old enough to make informed and wise decisions on your own (which should be, although cautiously, encouraged and allowed by parents), then any command which conflicts with where the Lord is telling you to walk, is not in the Lord.

(Of course, all decisions should be made after listening to all advise and with much prayerful consideration.)

Sorry if I just shocked your socks off...but please consider this with an open mind rather than a blinkered, already prejudiced outlook.

Brendan and I are looking at co-authoring a book in the distant future.

Suggested titles:

There comes a time when a child becomes an adult and while they still have a duty to listen and respect their parents' opinions, the parents don't control their lives any more. They take responsibility for themselves and their own decisions, mistakes, choices.

No parent has the right to decide a child's ultimate destiny, whether in job or marriage. The latter should be between two people, God and authority figures as counsellors - not controllers.

Responsibility is for one's own actions and those in one's charge who are unable/unfit to make their own, at least in regards to safety, well-being, and that resting heavily on their mental capacity.

Which, I would like to suggest, does NOT apply to young adults who are fully competent. If you're encouraging your young adult to be responsible, make decisions and change the world, encouraging them to develop their own personal relationship with God, what message do you think you are sending by playing God in their life? Your role is guidance, advise, unconditional love and support. NOT control.

I don't believe I'm being feminist in stating that a girl can Biblically submit to her father without him making every last decision for her. And to those who would gravely point me to Isaac, I laugh and say, Rebekah.

Girls do need more protection from their father, and to be able to know they are loved and cherished.
However, girls can be treasured without being treated like dolls.
They also have minds, and personal walks with God, and if you've raised them right, the ability to make their own informed decisions.

There's something that most people forget in the parent part of life. It's the ability to trust God and let go.

Young adults should submit to the parental authority as only as lies within their own personal walk with God. That goes for male and female. A young person would be foolish not to consider advice from those with more experience, but there comes a time when control is limited. Simply because if it weren't, we would have a generation of people limited with no free will and dependent on an older generation growing older and nearer the grave.

To encourage us to have a vision that as yet is blurry, that is sweeping over so many young people as a burning fire to know God in a new, true and real way, personally and individually; to encourage us to set the world afire for Christ, to do hard things, and then to step on us when of an age to make competent, well-informed decisions and when we have shown that (ALTHOUGH HUMAN AND MAKING MISTAKES) we do try and listen, consider advice and act wisely, is to totally go against what you have been raising us to be. Think twice.

To change the times, we must step out. Be brave, be wise. Look to God and cling to Him; trust Him implicitly. Listen to advice. Don't be foolish. Don't abuse the freedom, as they should not be abusing the power.

I really should write more when I'm cross about tyrannical abuse of parenthood...or heavy parenting (rather than heavy shepherding). :P

In Christ and God bless,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Fallen Out Of Love

Dearest Lord,

*coughs and looks up, blinking hard* I guess this has been coming for a while. I'm listening to a song that says all You want is me. And it's true...

I've been feeling so down and depressed recently...I know You forgave me...but every time You do, even though I'm fully aware of Your forgiveness, and start smiling and singing again, I make no move to get close to You. And that's where the problem lies...if we don't move to get closer to You, we start moving backwards, because life with You can never BE at a standstill.

It's like a love relationship. It IS a love relationship. If you don't work at it, it starts to collapse.

It's not I haven't wanted's I wanted other things more than You. I was angry...and hating...and lonely...and numb...and...I'm sorry...

I need to forgive myself for what I've done...which I can't...but to forgive myself, I need to completely accept Your forgiveness and realise that is the only way I can be forgiven.

It's such a heavy weight...when you're loving for God...and getting hurt constantly...when you finally snap and hate those who have hurt one of the dearest people on earth to you, the hate is so powerful...almost as powerful as the love...but Father, You love through me. Conquer the hate.

Conquer the anger at myself for being hurt, and at others who have not lost as much as I have - but have in other ways. Everyone's hurt is equal. I learned that with C'rissie so long ago...

Conquer the loneliness. The desperate clinging and hurt when no one is there. I need to be so concentrated and centred on You, that no amount of loneliness can hurt me, that the unmet needs don't eat away, that the physical hunger is met by Your spirit...

Oh Lord. My Love. *buries face in hands*

Be what I need. Meet all my needs. Turn me towards Yourself. Make me the woman I am meant to be. That I should be. That I am not.
Change me...break me not to be terrified of the pain. I am...that is why I don't pray that prayer often as I should...why I choose to stay numb and hopeless and longing for death day after day.

People think it's sick, Lord, that I want to die...but it's a golden gateway. A gateway to...forever...with You. And You're the only worthwhile what in the world is there to live for?

But You say I need to live for You as well. And I make such a mess of that. But show to live for You. Not just that, but to LIVE You.

Thank You for the one spot of hope You've given. Thank You...for Your love being lived through that.

Change me into Your likeness, that the world may not look at me, but look at me and see You.

Conquer my desires and make my entire focus be on You and pursuing You...don't let Satan ever get hold on my greatest weakness again...and please meet that need.

Oh Father...*rocks back and forth a bit, looking upwards*

Make me fall in love with You again.

In Your Name and through Your Son I ask.

Amen <3

Sunday, September 09, 2012

Your Olympics

We cheered on the Olympians, and still more the Paralympians, with pride in our countries and awe at their amazing achievements.

Those guys (and gals) sacrificed years and time and money and strength and purpose to one goal - to compete here.

As Christians, we have our own Olympics to run. Our goal - which is Heaven, our struggle - which is life. And we are commanded to run in such a way as to win the prize - the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus.

I went to the opening of the Baptist Bible College in Telford area today. The guy who preached was Pastor David More.

He talked on running the race. But not so much the beginning, as the ending. We need to end well.

Many people, he said, start off enthusiastically and with zeal. But not so many end up finishing well, because they didn't run with dedication and purpose.

We need to set our sights on Christ and following Him. That must be our goal. We may change immediate goals and our lives turn around in the meantime, but our pursuit must always be of Christ.

Paul didn't say he fought the fight. He said he fought a GOOD fight.

Talking of teams, I created my own recently...which was what I originally wanted to blog about.

Now Team GB's over, I'm starting cheering for Team Autobio! Or to use the Twitter hashtag... #teamautobio

Correct! I posted a status up recently on most of the social networking sites I use, asking for people who knew a fair amount of my life, and didn't mind dealing with dark stuff, that I could trust with fairly intimate details, to join me in working on my autobiography.

It's a project I started work on back when I was staying with the Lausers in Ireland. I know I've gone through everything for a reason, and I know it has helped some young people already. So...I just want to put it into book form, even though I wasn't intending it to be published.

William, Nick, Jordan, Bethany, Meghan, Keifer, Chloe, Braden, Arielle and Brandyce comprise Team AutoBio.

Their jobs include reminding me to write, scanning over the sensitive material I send them, praying over it and me as I write and responding/giving constructive criticism in such a way as not to condemn or hurt either it or me, and sooner or later, critiquing it.

They're a fantastic bunch of people. I couldn't wish for a better group. :) I love you guys, if you read this.

I'd just like to post up a few comments from some of the team members who have been reading it. To kind of like...make you curious. :P

"You did a fabulous job with this chapter. This is an extremely hard subject to broach, yet you touched on it tactfully, but thoroughly and without sugar-coating or downplaying the seriousness of the subject. As someone who has been scarred from both of the issues brought up in this chapter, I know it's extremely hard to talk about it to other people like this. Very proud of ya. :)"

"I know that, while reading this, you would Ike me to read/critique/offer opinions, but at the moment I haven't really got any, other than it feels like this was written *for me.*...I think you are right in saying this is dark and sensitive material, but at the same time it possesses the potential to touch so many lives. If you tried to tone it down or soften your experiences, it wouldn't have the same effect as it does currently. This is powerful stuff. So, not much to say on the content (other than that what you've written so far has touched me personally, and I look forward to the rest of it)."

"At any rate, I love reading this not because you went through it--far from that, actually, and I'm sorry you had to experience many of the bad things in life alongside the good ones. Still, I feel like your experiences can help me (and others like me, whoever they may be) to better understand why God is taking me down my current path."

"Your writing style is beautiful, down to earth, and above all, easy to relate to, and human. For what you intend with this, that couldn't be better. I am sure the majority of people that might read this will find it very easy to understand you and where you're coming from. Your life, in several important ways, heavily reminds me of my own, and so, I am particularly interested to read...

One thing is that you probably don't need to defend your story as much as you do in the writing. The fact that you are writing so honestly and in such a manner already says a lot. With my full respect, I think less 'defense' for it would get everything across more. Anyone who judges you is being cruel-hearted and would/will anyway."

AND! The prologue. ;)

Grass shimmered under the glow of the sunlight, silvery blades bent before the wind.
The leaves and needles of the trees bordering the property glowed softly against a background of soft blue sky, puffed with dark blue and creamy grey clouds.

A tree bough moved in the breeze, bent a little nearer to the ground under the weight of a girl perched on the limb, clipboard with paper and pen on her lap.

Her blue-grey eyes searched the sky, looking for the words to a story, a song that was coming, always just around the corner, always just beyond her reach, always full of longing, an empty echo, a hunger in her soul.

Tucking a wave of red hair behind her ear, she began to write. Not the story she had come out intending to write, but another. A story that was but a much feebler copy of a greater, perfect tale only just begun.

I am that girl, and this is my story.

* * *

God bless!

Love in Christ,

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Walk On, With Hope In Your Heart

It's when I'm standing there, brushing my hair, that I realise I can't cope with the idea of another week stuck daily in an office, coming home tired, ending up exhausted, trying to do everything else and failing. Talking to people who I emotionally connect to via a telephone, who respond with briskness or harshness or apathy, most often than not. And it hurts.

It's then He comes to me, close, and reminds me that He worked as a carpenter until He was thirty.
Thirty years as a carpenter and three years of ministry.
Then He died.
And rose.
And spent forty more days here.
And left for Home.

He reminds me of Noah, who spent five hundred years living normally. Had three sons. Then his world turned upside down - literally.

He whispers of John the Baptist, who spent his life in the wilderness, until the time of his appearing to Israel.

And He asks me, "Can you not do this for me? Can you not live the boring and the mundane, live the life I have placed you in now, and continue to prepare - through the pain? Trust Me."

I wake up this morning, and fears are full and hope seems to be destroyed with a few short words.
Hope that had arrived on my doorstep glowing so bright that I couldn't help but hope, even though I knew it would probably fade. It seemed too good to be true.

And I close my eyes and despair at the vision of the life ahead. In debt and working to survive at twenty wasn't really my life's dream.

Then I open up my laptop, and read a message from Mama Lauser.

"God is working in your life. It is hard, I is painfully hard and hurts excruciatingly at times but you are doing things that make a difference in peoples lives. You can't see it right now, much of the time, but you are making a difference.
I am thankful for you. I am thankful you are my daughter that I got to adopt. I see so much in you...I see Christ in you as you love and help others.

Sian, you are made special by God in His image! You are going through an extreemly hard time right now, hang on to God and keep trusting Him. I know it seems so dark at times, but remember that even inthe darkest of time God is with you. Look to Him when you are tempted to hurt yourself. Trust Him to help you. Talk to the "Wonderful Counnselor" who knows more about your needs and troubles than any earthly counselor ever could. *smiles* I love you, Dear."

And I remember the messages from my OYAN friends when I abandoned the site's Facebook page in loneliness and despair earlier in the week, telling me - You belong. You make a difference. We can see God in you.

And I realise...if that is all my life is - it must be worth it. I daren't look ahead to another day more than I have to. And if I have to hope blind to make it to another day, I will, and I'll face the pain that hits me as it comes and when I have to.

But for people to see Christ in me - that's the goal of my life. That's what I want. That's the only thing worth living for. And the only reason worth dying for. If people can't see Christ in your life through your death, then I doubt it's time for dyin'.
Yes, I'm telling myself there.

Before I finish up, I want to send two little videos that I want you to click. Please. For me.
(By the way, it's awfully hard to dispose of long hairs! O.o)

When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of the lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone!
You'll never walk alone.

In His love always,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Glargh. A Whinge.

I just want someone to hug me...that I can collapse into, without worrying about being strong or not being a burden or trying to think about their state of mind.

I just wish I didn't drain the life out of people, that there was someone I meant as much to as they mean to me.

I'd just like to feel someone come alongside when the demons whisper to cut or to kill in my ears, take my hand and silently let me know they're there.

I just want to know that someone reading this won't grieve over not being able to do so.

I just need to find some way to deal with the searing pain, the breaking heart, the misunderstood person that everyone thinks they understand and no one is willing to accept that they don't.

I just have to stare at the screen with my blank empty gaze and painfilled eyes and wonder why I can love with His heart and not bring comfort or healing and have to watch them hurting.

I want the conflict between friends and family, and adopted family and family, and family and family to STOPPPPPPPP! Or at least stop smashing into me.

I just wish...for five minutes...that someone totally understood. Or totally understood that they didn't. But accepted what I was, what I am, didn't treat me like a child and treated me like I really mattered, instead of needing to be babied or bossed or talked over, and listened to me and actually cared what I thought, listened to it and considered it.

I want my head to stop splitting. Which it will do when I stop writing this, go downstairs and try to balance four chats and one IRL.

If it wasn't love, it wouldn't hurt.

I want to know why God isn't flesh-and-blood to hold me.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Conglomeration <--- Love That Word

I'm thankful for:

The tang of fresh air untainted by petrol
The soft press of the grass under my bare feet
The musty odour of milch and bracken
Beautiful adjectives.
The English language and its amazing intricacies
3 surveys on Guernsey - one for Disabled and two for Carers; my target is three and it's going to be REALLY tough from today.
2 surveys on a new project I've been briefed on that I have to get ten a day for.

God's returning of a kindness He once did through me today. A woman tapped my shoulder and handed me a packet of tissues, telling me to keep them all. She was so kind.

I've always liked Richard III. I feel like he was possibly one of the most ill-treated kings by history ever - his popularity certainly suffering a stunning blow, not only from his death on the field of Bosworth to the immediate crowning of his enemy Henry VII, but also through the mysterious loss of two Crown Princes in the Tower of London - and the wonderful life-changing (and perception changing) play RICHARD III as immortalised by William Shakespeare.

From a lover of art, as a play, RICHARD III is brilliant. From my fandom and stubborn loyalty view, it isn't.

However, one scene came to me while walking home today. I've copied it below for you.
Basically, it is the night before the Battle of Bosworth, while King Richard lies in his tent on one side of the field, and Harry Tudor, Earl of Richmond, does the same on the other.

"Enter the Ghost of Prince Edward, son to King Henry VI


of Prince Edward
Let me sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow!
Think, how thou stab'dst me in my prime of youth
At Tewksbury: despair, therefore, and die!


Be cheerful, Richmond; for the wronged souls
Of butcher'd princes fight in thy behalf
King Henry's issue, Richmond, comforts thee.

Enter the Ghost of King Henry VI


of King Henry VI
When I was mortal, my anointed body
By thee was punched full of deadly holes
Think on the Tower and me: despair, and die!
Harry the Sixth bids thee despair, and die!


Virtuous and holy, be thou conqueror!
Harry, that prophesied thou shouldst be king,
Doth comfort thee in thy sleep: live, and flourish!

Enter the Ghost of CLARENCE

Let me sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow!
I, that was wash'd to death with fulsome wine,
Poor Clarence, by thy guile betrayed to death!
To-morrow in the battle think on me,
And fall thy edgeless sword: despair, and die!--


Thou offspring of the house of Lancaster
The wronged heirs of York do pray for thee
Good angels guard thy battle! live, and flourish!

Enter the Ghosts of RIVERS, GRAY, and VAUGHAN

Ghost of RIVERS
Let me sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow,
Rivers. that died at Pomfret! despair, and die!

Ghost of GREY
Think upon Grey, and let thy soul despair!

Ghost of VAUGHAN
Think upon Vaughan, and, with guilty fear,
Let fall thy lance: despair, and die!

Awake, and think our wrongs in Richard's bosom
Will conquer him! awake, and win the day!

Enter the Ghost of HASTINGS

Bloody and guilty, guiltily awake,
And in a bloody battle end thy days!
Think on Lord Hastings: despair, and die!


Quiet untroubled soul, awake, awake!
Arm, fight, and conquer, for fair England's sake!

Enter the Ghosts of the two young Princes


of young Princes
Dream on thy cousins smother'd in the Tower:
Let us be led within thy bosom, Richard,
And weigh thee down to ruin, shame, and death!
Thy nephews' souls bid thee despair and die!


Sleep, Richmond, sleep in peace, and wake in joy;
Good angels guard thee from the boar's annoy!
Live, and beget a happy race of kings!
Edward's unhappy sons do bid thee flourish.

Enter the Ghost of LADY ANNE

Ghost of LADY ANNE
Richard, thy wife, that wretched Anne thy wife,
That never slept a quiet hour with thee,
Now fills thy sleep with perturbations
To-morrow in the battle think on me,
And fall thy edgeless sword: despair, and die!


Thou quiet soul, sleep thou a quiet sleep
Dream of success and happy victory!
Thy adversary's wife doth pray for thee.

Enter the Ghost of BUCKINGHAM


The last was I that helped thee to the crown;
The last was I that felt thy tyranny:
O, in the battle think on Buckingham,
And die in terror of thy guiltiness!
Dream on, dream on, of bloody deeds and death:
Fainting, despair; despairing, yield thy breath!


I died for hope ere I could lend thee aid:
But cheer thy heart, and be thou not dismay'd:
God and good angel fight on Richmond's side;
And Richard falls in height of all his pride.

The Ghosts vanish

KING RICHARD III starts out of his dream"

End quote.

The ghosts of his past rose up and confronted him that night with all the crimes he had done.
What strikes me about it?
And he got up the next morning and went out to fight.

(Yes, Shakespeare fans, I know I'm challenging the traditional view of WHY he went out to fight. It's just another way of seeing it that struck me.)

When the ghosts of our past and the fears of our present face us, what will we do? Turn tail and run in the hope of saving ourselves?
Or get out there and face the terrors, knowing that if we lose the battle, we have a God Who wins the war?

Your ghosts may tell you to despair and die. Mine are.

If you can't fix your blurry eyes anywhere, if your gaze is dull and glazed, if your soul is pressed into the mud and the blackness, just do one thing for me.
Look up. Whisper, "Help me." And remember, "Jesus loves me."
And live it like you believe He does.


Fanning the Fanaticism

What's the reason we (a lot of us) like both Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes?

-They're run by the BBC. (Which means that the production is good, not necessarily anything else.)

-Steven Moffat has a hand in both.

-Benedict Cumberbatch and David Tennant are two of the best actors I've ever seen. (Of course, Laurence Olivier will always be the love of my screen).

-They have BRILLIANT hair. Including Matt Smith on this one.

-They wear great coats. There's just something about the way the coats swirl when the actor is running or striding.

-There's a chance Benedict Cumberbatch might end up on Doctor Who.

Of course, all of this post was fuelled by three things.

-A funny post might be slightly easing after everything else posted recently.

-Doctor Who is starting again in the next few weeks.

-I watched Sherlock Holmes last night.

AND. I went online afterwards to try and find out (AGAIN) how Sherlock didn't die...and FOUND JOHN WATSON'S BLOG.

Friends of mine immediately freaked out. :P

So! I'm posting the links to John Watson's blog...
The best part of some of them is the comments. Particularly between Mrs. Hudson and the two boys.

There's even a cool spooky video of Jim Moriarty sneaking into the flat. :D

And Molly Hooper's website...which she started because she was bored...and met Jim Moriarty on there.

Of course, Connie Prince's highly ridiculous website...
Again, the best part is the message board.

And last but DEFINITELY not least -


Sherlock Holmes Websites: BBC

Enjoy! I got quite a few laughs.