Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Thursday, May 31, 2012

What the Rainbow Costs

The sun was pouring down in glory this morning as I began to walk from home to my sister's, part of the morning trek to work. I was in tears.

Cause God's doing stuff and I'm totally insecure. I'm trusting Him and freaking out. And I don't even know how that works.

As I glanced up at the road, I had to blink away my tears, because the sunlight was striking rainbows on them as they dangled from my wet lashes.

Beauty in the midst of pain and turmoil.

We don't know what the Master is doing. But God's Will has no why.

Trust is implicit.

There's always something lovely to be found in the worst heartbreak. It may seem impossible to find, but it's there. Even if the something lovely just happens to be God.

He gives and takes away.

And when surrendered to His can't help but see the rainbows in the tears.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Define Your Terms!

In modern society, there are many new phases and phrases of "expressing ourselves". There are also many new open forms of behaviour - not merely tolerated, nor even accepted, but promoted and taught by subtlety, blatantly and through constant, thorough inculcation.

Most of these began in the last century. From 1,900 years of fairly slow changing, there has been a sudden rush of things generally considered "unacceptable" being promoted in the highest degree.

Most of these are not really "human rights-centred", as much as being "me-centred". Not as much about correcting incorrect morality - such as the freeing of slaves - as about ensuring the comfort of individuals, which has now enforced the point of freedom of speech so harshly that most of the liberties it grants are curtailed.

For example, you are allowed, encouraged and firmly supported to announce that you are gay/homosexual. Even if I like you and am your friend, I am not allowed to say that I do not approve of homosexuality as an entity - even in the friendliest of manner. Otherwise, I am jumped on by all the gay and political parties, hauled up before the media to laugh at and be scorned for hate-crime and homophobia (? really? I'm scared of gays?) and possibly arrested and sentenced for hate-crime.

Some topics are still boiling points, but without twisting the law (which has been done in some cases), there still remains a form of freedom of speech for those of us who disagree to express our opinion.

However, this post is not really for me to rant on my stand and rave against others on a well-discussed and much-used topic. I just want to examine a couple of terms.


Abortion is the choice of a mother to terminate her pregnancy if the child is considered to be unfit for survival in the outside world, or simply if unwanted by either the parents or the state.


Euthanasia is the choice of a person or of the nearest people to them to end their lives if they feel unable to continue living. "The deliberate killing of a person for the benefit of that person," usually chosen by the person who dies, or by the people around them if they can no longer cope with them.


Murder is the unlawful killing, with malice aforethought, of another human, and generally this state of mind distinguishes murder from other forms of unlawful homicide (such as manslaughter). As the loss of a human being inflicts enormous grief upon the individuals close to the victim, as well as the fact that the commission of a murder is highly detrimental to the good order within society, most societies both present and in antiquity have considered it a most serious crime worthy of the harshest of punishment. In most countries, a person convicted of murder is typically given a long prison sentence, possibly a life sentence where permitted, and in some countries, the death penalty may be imposed for such an act — though this practice is becoming less common.[1] In most countries, there is no statute of limitations for murder (no time limit for prosecuting someone for murder). A person who commits murder is called a murderer.[2] (quote: Wikipedia, link provided.)

So. Murder is unlawful killing, with malicious forethought, of another human. The other human's rights to live are not weighed in the balance, their plans, dreams and hopes ignored, the life they have lived totally uncared for. Or might have lived.

Or - are abortion and euthanasia different because they are lawful killings, with little to no malicious forethought? It's simply a matter of convenience - for the mother, for the killed or their relatives.

But then - if you raise a generation on unshakeable belief that they are an accident of fate, then who cares who lives and who dies?
"The gods may roll a dice, their minds as cold as ice, and someone way down here loses someone dear." (quote: The Winner Takes It All, by ABBA)

Then why are suicide and murder considered wrong? Because they are not considerate of the person who dies or of the people around them.
And abortion and euthanasia? They are acceptable simply because of the convenience to the people around the one who dies. Who thinks about the child sucked into fragmented pieces by a vaccuum? Who thinks about the burnt and swollen little body that comes out from a saline solution, burned to death - but sometimes comes out still alive and is left to die? Who thinks about the eternal souls of those babies and the victim of the ASSISTED suicide? (Sorry, I realised that suicide is wrong and if I insert assisted before the word, it is apparently acceptable.)
No one - because we are accidents of fate. Who says they have a soul?


There is no such thing as God?

He said that you'd say that. What's more, He said that you'd laugh at Him.

Psalm 14:1-3 : The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they have committed abominable deeds; there is no one who does good.
The LORD has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God.
They have all turned aside, together they have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one.

2 Peter 3:3-7 : Know this first of all, that in the last days mockers will come with their mocking, following after their own lusts, and saying, “Where is the promise of His coming? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all continues just as it was from the beginning of creation.”
For when they maintain this, it escapes their notice that by the word of God the heavens existed long ago and the earth was formed out of water and by water, through which the world at that time was destroyed, being flooded with water. But by His word the present heavens and earth are being reserved for fire, kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men.

And what if I'm wrong?

"I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things--trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play-world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia." ~ Puddleglum in 'The Silver Chair' by C.S. Lewis

Finally, to conclude, I'd just like to consider one more thing.

Many people know of Adolf Hitler and the Second World War fought from 1939-1945. The majority of humanity deplored his crimes and his murders of people who - did not agree with his state regime? Who - were locked away, in concentration camps? The Final Solution, involving the murder of millions of Jews, Russians, gays, Jehovah's Witnesses and other minority groups is generally considered wrong - and rightly so.

Few people like to focus on what it took, and the lives that it cost, to bring Britain and her allies to fight the Nazi power. We sold out Austria, the Czech Sudentenland, Czechoslovakia and Danzig before the Nazis entered Poland, and at which final point we realised that Germany was really not going to stop and WE were threatened.

Hitler came to power in 1933. He began his rule by locking up all who opposed his rules, opinions and what he stood for as a political party. Those who stood up for minority groups. Yes.

But the ethnic cleansing didn't just begin there.

It began with the clearing out of the mental homes, the abuse and gassing of helpless physical and mental disabled people and the elderly, as burdens to the state, not worth the quality of life, costing the state money. It began with forced sterilisation and abortion if a child or its parents were deemed to be not physically or mentally fit of bearing a child compatible with the Nazi super-ideal (which was created from the idea of selective breeding to create a demi-god - brought on by the study of evolution).

Who stood up against them then, Britain, America and France?

Ah...but I forget. America was introducing in some areas its own sterilisation process. Who wants to condemn Germany for doing the same?
Yes, we hear about the glories of the war, and the terrible facts of it. But just underneath are more facts - facts that lived in Germany, and later Austria, the Sudentenland, Czechoslovakia and Danzig for FIVE YEARS before anyone figured Hitler was enough of a threat to start stopping him.

Britain had five years to prepare for a war. And didn't. Not even with the Spanish civil war, part funded and supported by Germany, just across their borders.
Oh, we had reason...twenty years after the last war, we didn't want to see that our little secure way of life could be threatened again. We closed our eyes and ears to the suffering, not because we didn't know, not because we couldn't hear, but because we didn't want to know.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. We had no objections to Germany as long as we allowed ourselves to know nothing of the crimes.



We're doing the same today.



And the abuse of the feeble.

God help us.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." ~George Santayana

~Mademoiselle Siân

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Out for the Ride

Rode home on the bus yesterday after work, for the usual 45 mins - 1 hour after work.

My friend Adam from up north was chatting me about half of the way home, bless him, which helped quite a bit.

The remainder of the time I went from crying to calm to crying, until the other passengers asked if I was okay. >.>

I had my Bible with me (I usually take it to work as the only time I get to read it is on my breaks) and randomly opened it for comfort, for a sign, for anything.

I'd already flipped through it several times a day and found the marked passages from before that brought no comfort or meaning at all to a despairing heart.

I opened it this time, looked down through tear-blurred eyes and my gaze fell upon Jeremiah 31:16,17.

Thus says the Lord, “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord, “And they will return from the land of the enemy. There is hope for your future,” declares the Lord, “and your children will return to their own territory.”

...bam. Wow.

Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears...they will return from the land of the enemy...there is hope for your future.

Seriously, Lord? Written well over 2000 years ago and...seriously?

Yep, very seriously.

So there is some small comfort. A tiny particle of hope. And not joyful, but not despairing as entirely as before.

God is still on the Throne.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

What WERE You Doing?

When God calls.

So many people ask, what will you do with God's call on your life? What will you do when God calls you? Are you waiting for God's call? Pray about it and see what God calls you to do.

So much focus on the going forward into the dark unknown...

And indeed, wisely. For only a fool would not be careful about a leap into the unknown.

Sometimes it is good to take a glance back at where we have come from, and see where grace hath lead us safe this far.

It's also good to look back at where others have come - like the hall of faith in Hebrews 11. I want you to read each of these and THINK about each occupation or place where God called them. Really, really think. Take them one by one.

Where was Abel when God called? Tending his sheep.

Where was Noah? A happy family man, with three sons and settling down into a comfortable old age.

Where was Abram, later Abraham? In the land of Ur, with the entirety of his family.

Where was Sarai/Sarah? Faithfully following her husband, still trusting through years of barrenness. (Funny, she only faltered after the promise.)

Where was Hagar? Serving her mistress as a slave.

Where was Job? Comfortable, prosperous and God-fearing.

Where was Rebekah? In a comfortable, wealthy family.

Where was Joseph? A pampered boy, cruelly enslaved.

Where was Moses? A prince of Egypt.

Where were Aaron and Miriam? Slaves.

Where was Joshua? Son of a common Israelite, servant of Moses.

Where was Rahab? A harlot who believed there was something more - Someone more - than what she knew.

Where were the people of Israel? Sure, there's a lot made of their disobedience but they followed every step of the way - through the Red Sea, following the pillars of cloud and fire -
And they started off as the single son of a barren old couple, one of quarrelling twins of another barren couple who was a usurper of his brother's birthright, and from the twelve rebellious sons of that twin who married two fighting sisters.

Where was Naomi? A widow, with no possessions.

Where was Ruth? A foreigner in a strange land, gleaning in a field to feed her starving family.

Where was Gideon? Threshing wheat secretly for fear of people hearing him.

Where were Mr. and Mrs. Manoah? An ordinary couple who could not have a child.

Where was Jephthah? The son of his father's mistress.

Where was Hannah? Weeping in the temple.

Where was Saul? Searching for donkeys and tending his father's farm.

Where was David? Tending his father's sheep and fighting wild animals.

Where was Elisha? Ploughing a field with his father's oxen.

Where was Jeremiah? A timid boy.

Where was Daniel? An enslaved noble.

Where was Hosea? Probably an ordinary man expecting a normal married life.

Where was Mary? A betrothed virgin - a covenant as binding as marriage.

Where was Joseph? A humble carpenter.

Where were Elizabeth and Zacharias? A priest and his barren wife.

Where was John the Baptist? A wanderer in the desert.

Where was the Lord Jesus before He began His ministry? A carpenter.

Where was the Samaritan woman? Living with a man who was not her husband.

Where was the Gedarene man? Demon possessed and chained to rocks.

Where was the Syro-Phoenician woman? Worshipping false gods.

Where were Peter, James and John? Fishermen.

Where was Nathaniel? Under a fig tree.

Where was Bartimaeus? A blind beggar.

Where was Zacchaeus? In a sycamore tree.

Where was Mary Magdalene? A harlot with seven demons.

Where was Paul? A dedicated, blindly zealous Pharisee.

Where was John Mark? A boy cowering in a garden.

Where was Luke? A Gentile physician.

Where was Cornelius? A soldier in the Roman army, hated in the country he lived in.

Where was Onesimus? A runaway slave.

Where were you?

Where was I?

Does it matter if God has called us yet? Or does it matter that we are serving Him faithfully where we are right now?
No matter WHO we are. No matter WHERE we are.
We serve a God Who uses idolators to rebellious slaves to hated Romans to tree lovers. :D
A God Who usually picks the most unlovely.
What they had in common? They loved God more than what they were or what they loved. And left all to follow Him.

So don't give up because of WHO you are or WHERE you are. Keep scrubbing your floors, shining your shoes, or playing your part in high society.
But don't look down on your brothers and sisters, for God calls whomsoever He chooses.
Keep seeking after Him in prayer, and surrender your dreams and desires to Him in His trust and in His peace.

"Let a man regard us in this manner, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. In this case, moreover, it is required of stewards that one be found trustworthy (faithful). But to me it is a very small thing that I may be examined by you, or by any human court; in fact, I do not even examine myself. For I am conscious of nothing against myself, yet I am not by this acquitted; but the one who examines me is the Lord. Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God."
1 Corinthians 4:1-5

God bless you!
Mlle. Siân

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Princess and the Love (add-on to the Kiss)

Once upon a time...

There was a princess whose parents, at her birth, gave her a special gift. Her first kiss.

I am here to tell you another part of the story.

The prince and princess did not only swap their kisses on their wedding day.

When God had brought them together, they both also held one small gold box each, gifted to them by the Creator Himself. Opened many times in many ways to bring joy to those around them, this was the first time the gold boxes would actually be exchanged, although the Prince and Princess had shown it to each other often before as they grew closer in love and to their God.

On that special day, as they exchanged life-long vows, a covenant never to be broken, the Prince and the Princess took their boxes, and gave them one unto the other, then placing them together and opening them as the Sun burst out of the clouds, pouring bright sunshine down in blessing.

The gold box was a unique box indeed, for as soon as the rays of the Sun touched it, it shone so brightly that it diffused brilliant golden light to many around them. Not only that, but contained within was a small, precious, many faceted diamond. Let one ray of the Sun but touch it, and millions of rainbows would bounce and scatter to many people all around them.

United together, those boxes diffused light and rainbows in such abundance that many people gasped in awe, and turned their gazes upwards to the Sun, drawing them in, onwards, upwards.

And that is what the Son, the Creator God, designed for marriage to be - for the Prince and Princess's love, that beautiful diamond encased within the golden boxes of their hearts, to be united to scatter His light and love in such a bright glory that people would be drawn to Himself through it.

It's what I learned today - I was thinking about it on the bus ride home from work. I love bus rides...they're such thinky things if you don't end up talking to someone or reading or listening to music.
I've always kept "romantic" love as a me-and-other-person and more recently as a me-other-person-God thing.

But I'm realising God doesn't bring two loves together for each other, because that would be selfish. Sure, there's something special there for those two people alone. But if it's real love - God's love - unconditional, Heaven-sent love - it can't be contained like that. It'll spill over and affect everything and everyone around it.

And that's why Satan hates it. Hates marriage, but hates more than anything, not even that, but real love. Cause it's one of the most powerful. Most potent. Most...divine reflection in this cursed world. And...I knew it but I never knew it before.

So that's what a good marriage is. It's where you love the other person but love God more. But because you love God more, you love the other person so much that there is a diamond in a golden box...and the other person holds the diamond, and the sun strikes it and sends rainbows and golden glow over everything and everyone around.

And like a friend I was chatting with it about said, that doesn't just go for "romantic" (I hate that word :P) relationships, but for every kind of relationship.
That is why the Prince and the Princess opened their own boxes when still within their possession, to let the Sun shine in and reflect out.

"Oh, love. It's not a fight. But it's something worth fighting for."

With much thinkiness,
Mlle. Siân

Saturday, May 12, 2012

In the Shorts of Three

Not in chronological order. ;)


On deciding to work on BfD, I found the second book and took it to work with me yesterday. I was chatting with Navpreet (my adopted daughter) about it casually during lunch break, and she asked to look at it. When she started to read it, she got so caught up she lost track of where she was.

Two - YAY!


For the last two days, I've worn my OYAN t-shirt to work. It's amusing walking down the street and watching people read it. So were my colleagues at work - and liked it. (Yes, Mr. S., I'm attempting to infiltrate the whole of Britain with OYAN. Slowly. :P)

This morning, carrying four heavy bags and hurrying towards work, I passed a guy who read it out loud as I walked past him.

"My villain can beat up your villain?" And started laughing.

I grinned.

"Yep! And no arguing about it!"

That was funny.


After almost two years of waiting (cause I even got my close friends' names out of her before this), Ayanna has learned a new word.
On Friday, I didn't get to my sister's until later than (the new) usual. Ayanna is getting used to me coming in, maybe putting her coat and shoes on and then scooping her up to put her in her car seat.
I saw Sam glancing my way as I came up to the car, then when we were on the way, she told me what had happened, laughing.

Considering Ayanna was shouting "AUNTIE" until she did. :P

Apparently Narnies had been standing by the front door, looking around for me, holding her hands up in the "Where" way she uses, and going, "Aunt-ee? Aunt-ee?" And then when I came around the corner, as Sam was putting her in the car, she saw me and said, "AUNTIE!" pointing at me. :D

And we had our (new) usual conversation on the first part of the journey (which consists of me showing her things and saying them "blue car" "people" "trees" "silver car" and her repeating them back) interspersed with "Auntie!" :P

With love,
Mlle. Siân

Friday, May 11, 2012

Living With Peter

No, it's not the Apostle.

No, we haven't taken in anyone by the name of Peter, and yes, I'm still single and living under my mother's roof. Before y'all panic.

For the past three years, I've undergone severe writer's block on "my novel", Born From Death.

As some of you are aware, it was based on a conflict at my Squadron between a few cadets and myself, regarding Christianity, indecent talk on the Squadron, blasphemy, etc.

In retaliation and the only method of revenge I could, I decided to write a book where my main antagonist was born again.

Thus...Born From Death was born.

Chapter 10 was written. Then sections from 2, 1, 11, 5, 12, 9 and 3.

The plot was fitting together beautifully. I gave the book to Christ and asked Him to write and use it for His glory.

Then the unthinkable happened.

I fell in love with the guy my main character, Peter Westcott, was based off. And he left the Squadron one beautiful, painful month later.

And BfD slowly ground to a halt as I grieved...and backslid - severely.

Two years later, I began to work on it again. Intermittently.

And discovered a huge problem that I couldn't get around. Peter loved Abbie. I'd vaguely known that all along. Now I was faced with the problem of writing it. And writing it in. Into a story where it doesn't work that they both love one another, but they do.

I wrote two scenes of soppy, romantic mush. Moonlight, panting-puppy-with-tongue-lolling kinda stuff. People liked it. And said it was totally unrealistic.

And I gave up.

The emotion I felt towards that particular guy, while nothing like the love God has given me and grown in me and shown me now, was pretty deep rooted all the same. And it's still scarred.
And I had absolutely no idea how to write it. Neither the love then or the love now could really prepare me to write such a delicate, life-binding, spell-weaving, ever-changing simple complexity into my novel.

And I had two upset people inside.

Abbie, ever gentle, retreating into soft silence.
And Pete, turning sullen, going into his favourite pose of icy glares, crossed arms and leaning on all doorposts.

Enough is enough.
I'm a writer at heart. I work my job, read God's Word, pray, sing, chat, blog, email, tweet, occasionally FB and sleep. And eat. And be random.
But I miss my books and even more so, the art of writing.

So two days ago, I collared Keifer Lucchi and with his character Regano, we brought Abbie and Peter, still alive, into the chat room. Regano came out with some real solid, good advice. Enough to make Keifer headdesk. Regano pointed out a few pertinent facts, while Pete also expressed his views as to why I was so reluctant to write this. And by the end, Pete was grinning.

Which I reassure you, after three years of icy glares, crossed arms and snarled answers, is fairly frightening.

Regano suggested I took Pete with me to work the next I did. And at the same time as I pulled out my old purple folder, I rededicated the book to God. It's His story. :)

Pete and I chatted while I dialled. Here's a short transcript of most of the conversation.

Me: Good morning, Pete.

Pete: Good morning.

Me: You seem quite happy today.

Pete: Well, I am. You're finally interested in actually facing Abbie and me.

Me: I have to apologise before we start chatting. I'm at work and on the phones, so I have to keep stopping and starting. Sorry about that.

Pete: That's all right. Long as you're talking. (Some script missing as Pete got somewhat personal. Which he's rolling his eyes at. ;)) ...never mind. So do you think you could base Abbie and me off this (new love)?

Me: No.

Pete: That was quick. Why not? I thought this had brought out the best and the worst in you.

Me: It has. But I don't

Pete: So you could work on that. You're never going to understand love - Sian.

Me: No, but the other guy and I were completely different to this.

Pete: And you need to understand that Abbie and I are different to both of those!

Me: But you can't have "Christian" love!

Pete: No, but we can have something beautiful and realistic all the same! Stop being afraid of the pain! Open up, Jane, and let your heart see. Go on...go back, and read our history, let go of you and that guy, allow yourself to open to the pain, and love and watch and learn.

Wow. I learned something about myself through looking through Peter's eyes. He's right...that was one of the reasons I was backing off - fear of opening the memories.
But something I've always wanted is to use the pain; past, present and future. And that is why this needs to be stepped over.

And while praying and talking with a much more relaxed guy, the plot finally started to come together for the Love Scene. In 12 stages.

1 - Attempts kiss.
2 - Rejection (she slaps him across the face).
3 - Gets out over the Sqn.
4 - Causes problems.
5 - Jim Alehurst falls for her.
6/7 - Pete recognises his own feelings for her on hearing something from Abbie.
8 - Makes an advance by asking her out. (At which she wavers.)
9/10 - Rejection at the same time as another personal crisis.
11/12 Bitterness leads to drinking parties which leads to the end of Chap. 3.

Thank. You. Lord!

No room for kissy scenes there. :D

I can't believe how Good You are to me....<3

Your excited
~Mademoiselle Siân

Monday, May 07, 2012

Silver Lining

They say that there is a silver lining to every cloud. An added unique tint to every note of a song of pain. And sooner or later, in every darkness, the shadow reduces just enough to see a faint outline, or a glimmer.

God. Is. Totally. Amazing.

In case you didn't catch that before.


This is a testimony blog post, so if you don't likey, you has permission to click the big red X. :D

I'm typing this freshly awake from my lengthy sleep, which was induced by five hours of mowing and strimming the gardens yesterday (which look amazing, according to Mom! :D) moving heavy pots around and hauling three fence panels upright (while the neighbour man watched me. Nice guy.)

It's kinda funny, cause the last time I cut the grass (Uncle Peter has done it since then, except no one did it in the winter months) was the night before I flew out to Kansas. I looked up at the planes flying over in the twilight and the stars beginning to twinkle, thinking, tomorrow...tomorrow I'll be up there.

Little did I know how much two months, eleven plane flights and four states could change my life.

Sorta the same thing yesterday.

Except this time, it's just under a month away.

At the beginning of the month, on receiving my payslip, I sorted my finances out to what I expected them to be. Taking out the plane ticket, there was no way I would be able to leave enough money for Mom on the minor income I will have in June and be able to cover my other bills/money uses. On realising that, I put my face down on the desk (I was at work) and cried. One dream that I had worked towards for eight months had already been smashed that week, and this was the final straw. Tanya gave me a hug and checked to make sure I was okay. (She's really sweet.)

I can't remember what point it was, but I was working on a 2-minute survey where there were many answer machines and no replies. And I was praying until people picked up (which is always a fun risk to take ;)). I gave America back to God, again. And with a month to go, no money or hope of any, He gave me perfect peace.

"God, if it's Your Will I should go, then provide. Please. Cause I can't."

It reminded me of last year...something I was going to blog and never did.

Back when I was working for Sam's friend Lisa, who paid me for cleaning her house twice a week and invented jobs I could do to give me money, and spoiled me beyond belief...

I had £300 roughly, and was so excited about being halfway on the flight money. Then something happened and I had to transfer the money, leaving me with something like £120 in the bank.
I was very sad as I walked back out of town from that, to Tesco where my sister was waiting (we were living with her at that point). MP3 player broke. As it turns out, none of us would have had any money to replace it - especially since I wouldn't take anything that I didn't have to out of my "America fund".
That really made the tears overflow.

I remember asking God, why? He had taken everything else away...Dad...home...belongings...we were locked out of our on my sister's floor...why couldn't He just leave my MP3 and my hope of America?

Then...the Peace descended; HIS peace, beyond anything I'd known before. And while I stood there, waiting for Sam, I just kept repeating, over and over, "The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord."
Everything I owned, everything I was and am - is His. Why should I complain at what He chooses to dispense with? I can do perfectly well without it, for His grace is sufficient!

I gave myself five days. And sent out an email to my friends asking them to pray for rain.

I have to admit, I should've made it a bit clearer as some seem to have been praying for the real stuff, and Britain has been deluged over the last few days. :P

Three days in, although I sent another email out asking people to pray for God to sell a cow rather than to send rain, I was rather convinced God had made His mind up. I knew He could do it. I believed He would if He chose to. But I believed it wasn't His plan for me to. And had calmly resigned myself to an Ireland trip and working at BMG on the telephones...(shudder)...for another year.

Mom reminded me I could extend my overdraft. Which means the bank would pay my bills while I was away, and I would just have to pay the bank back.
And some other people said the same. Just - go and do it!
So...I could force God's Hand.

But's five days and God provides, or I don't go.

You know that weird feeling you get, like you're putting God to the test? Like...He's really not going to act even though you know He can?
There was another reason I didn't want to go on the overdraft. Is because...there were non-Christian people watching the outcome of this. And to extend it would be like announcing, God couldn't provide in time the way I wanted so, I'm doing this.

And going anywhere in your own power is never the best rule.

I can't remember the day, but one day I was working on a mix of finishing projects at BMG, and to get the surveys, they had to constantly refresh the contacts we were ringing - some ridiculous number of eleven people or something. I finished them for the third time since 3:30 at 4:38. So my boss told me to go home early.

As I was waiting for my friend Rob Moore, who finishes uni(versity) at 5:00, I wandered up to the bus stop we normally go home from, and headed into Birmingham to find a travel agents. Just to check, of course, on how much the flights were now. Because the amount I took out of my money when I did my finances was £770 (which was what the internet figured a decent size trip was now).

There "just happened" (there have been so many "just happenings" for America both this year and last!) to be a travel agents around the corner - literally. Open - until 6pm. Awesome!

The price was £619. I went away to think and pray about it.

A few days later, (either one or two), I went to the bank to take my final "bill" out. The amount that I had left was more than what I had had left after the first bill was taken out.
I double-checked. Then phoned Mom during my lunch break.

And...went to book the ticket after work.

A ticket that will not only take me to America, but will also land me in Europe for the first time.

I was speechless. Shell-shocked. And absolutely flabbergasted.

Isn't it funny how, when in spite of prayers, tears, from about a hundred people around a globe, we are so shocked when God Almighty answers our ant-y requests?

Sunday morning, yesterday, I walked into church after a guestimate of three weeks absence.

I've been really down lately, because three weeks ago, I sinned pretty badly in an attempt to do something right. (Which, yes, was probably the most stupid decision I've made in a while.) It lead from one sin to another, to the point where it felt like I'd reverted to twelve months previously.
I head-knew God had forgiven me, through tears, repeated pleadings and praying, but my heart wasn't accepting the forgiveness (how foolish...) and neither was I ready to forgive myself.

I was convinced that God taking the first dream from me was punishment for my sins. And that He wouldn't let me go to America in punishment for the same.

The phrase most often repeated in my mind was "There is absolutely no hope. No future. Nothing more beyond - this."

He was pulling me back, slowly but surely, reminding me that He truly still loved me...had forgiven me...waking me up one morning with the words on my lips, "Your mercies are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness!"...showing me a Scripture Saturday morning in 1 Peter, regarding LIVING hope. Christ.

Then Saturday night, something else happened. (All these vague obscure "something else's". *merry grin*)

I was curled up on my bed crying for God to take me, burn me, refine, purify, cleanse, and please, please heal me because there was nothing I could do. know the real, final feeling you get when you reach the end of your tether? Yeah.

So I walked into church yesterday morning. Asking God to speak. Not expecting Him to, really, but praying He would.

Pastor Steve opened the message with HOPE.


I cried. :P

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.'"
(Jeremiah 29:11)

And then subsequently preached on Jeremiah 30-31.

"'Fear not, O Jacob My Servant,' declares the Lord, 'and do not be dismayed, O house of Israel; for behold, I will save you from afar...

For I am with you' declares the Lord, 'to save you...

...only I will not destroy you completely.'...

For thus says the Lord, 'Your wound is incurable, and your injury is serious. There is no one to plead your cause; no healing for your sore, no recovery for you. All your lovers have forgotten you, they do not seek you; for I have wounded you with the wound of an enemy, with the punishment of a cruel one, because your iniquity is great, and your sins are numerous. ...

For I will restore you to health, and I will heal you of your wounds,' declares the Lord, 'because they have called you an outcast, saying, It is Zion; no one cares for her.' Thus says the Lord, 'Behold, I will restore the fortunes of Jacob, and have compassion on his dwelling places...

You shall be My people, and I will be your God. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt, o virgin daughter of Israel!...

With weeping they will come, and by supplication I will lead them; I will make them walk by streams of waters, on a straight path in which they will not stumble...

There is hope for your future,' declares the Lord, 'And your children will return to their own territory. I have surely heard Ephraim grieving, 'You have chastised me, and I was chastised, like an untrained calf; bring me back that I may be restored, for You are the Lord my God.'...

For I satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes.' At this I awoke and looked, and my sleep was pleasant to me."

An everlasting love for the virgin daughter of Israel.
She wasn't virgin.
He made her as new - for that was the way He chose to see her. He purified/will purify her as though her past had never been.

"Thus says the Lord, 'If the heavens above can be measured and the foundations of the earth searched out below, then I will also cast off all the offspring of Israel for all they have done,' declares the Lord."

And because of His promise to them, I know...I know...that my God has not abandoned me.

Thank You. With everything I am.

Yours Alone, my Father,

~Mademoiselle Siân

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Local Elections - Most People Won't Read

We had the mayoral referendum yesterday, as well as the local elections.

The local elections, from what I understand of it, select the council. One person from the local party (it could be anyone) stands to represent the party to the people, with their policies and what they will do to change the local authority if it comes under their control.

We only had a choice of three in our area. There are way more parties than that, so other areas have more options, depending on what parties are standing in the areas. But I'm basing most of the following off the choice of three in my area.

Who gains the most votes out of the three parties - Labour, Conservative and Liberal Democrat - gains the most seats in the council, and the council is declared as under the authority of that party (even though members of the other parties will still make up the rest of the council).

I spent most of the wake yesterday after the funeral sitting in The Foley Arms watching the councils declare and keeping tabs on the scores on the back of my brother's funeral speech. (>.< :P)

Labour is the party for the poor people; the common people; the under-privileged people.
Conservative is the party for the upper classes; the rich people.
Liberal Democrat is for anyone who's too loose to stay in either of those. :P

The other two main parties after those are the UKIP and BNP parties - the United Kingdom Independence Party and the British National Party (which everyone hates).
Although in my humble opinion, the UKIP and BNP parties could both be compared to the suffrages and the suffragette parties - both very different movements - during the struggle for women's rights to vote.

I'd just like to come back at something Ed Miliband (leader of the Labour party) said. I'm not quoting him because I'd have to find it and in the masses of media coverage from yesterday, I'm not too fussy. But here's the rough gist.
"The people have spoken. This shows that the people of Britain are once more putting their trust in us."

I'd like to suggest, sir, that the people indeed have spoken. But their choices are confined to crossing boxes. Crossing at least THREE boxes. (Since those three are the major British parties.)
Very few people can accurately fit their wide range opinions into check-boxes. I'm an interviewer who checks boxes for a living. I know.

The Labour party government proclaims for the poor and feeds itself stuffed on the money of the nation. Six houses indeed, Mr Blair! They put us in effect into a nanny-state. "Big Brother Watches You."

The Conservatives are the party that piles on the bills until you're suffocated under mounds of paper and can't breathe from the weight crushing you.

The Liberal Democrats are so loose that if they were in full power, the country would literally fall apart.

For moral framework though, the Conservatives, though stiff on the taxes (is that where the British stiff upper lip comes from?), have the most "upright-standing" position.

I haven't got my trust in Labour. Or Conservative. Or Lib Dem. Or Lib. Or Green. Or Scottish National Party. Or Plaid Cymru. Or BNP. Or UKIP. Or Respect. Or all-the-others-I-can't-think-of-right-now.

Neither have the people.

They're just sick of the increasing taxes and decreasing benefits, aren't seeing the deficit and the unemployment rates decrease quickly as they had hoped and were promised, and turned their vote to the only other general party (who created and left the mess in the first place) that they think will stand a better chance of evening out their communities.
They're people. Humans. Most people don't see past their next paycheck and next mound of bills. And most people will do anything to make life easier. Including swapping votes around indiscriminately.
And the rest will sit and discuss the problems and complain of them, but do little to nothing to enact any change.

I have a personal problem with Ed and David Miliband due to their extremely anti-home-education stance, and the amount of trouble that cost us before.

But my judgement of the Labour party - and the other parties - is based on my observations of the way they've acted and the state of my country - not off personal vindictiveness.

So as I watched the TV yesterday during the politics, one part was touching on the reference to the mayoral referendum in the main cities. Thankfully there were subtitles, since conversation, laughter and music covered the low volume. They were interviewing passers-by, asking what they had voted and why.

"I voted no."

"I voted no."

Then an older woman appeared on the screen.

"I didn't bother voting. There was no point in doing it. It doesn't make a difference."

I can't remember whether it was my small nephew, my dearest mother, a lady I've never met before or Mother's brother-in-law that I spouted off to. :P But I went berserk.

Because...she's a woman.

The suffrage movement was the original, non-activist tame branch of the movement to get Women's Rights to Vote. I believe they were important.
For without the safe framework which they provided, a gang of women storming the streets, throwing themselves in front of the King's racing horse and chaining themselves to the gates of 10 Downing Street - and suffering themselves to be jailed, beaten and undergoing the horrific force-feeding torture when they went on hunger strike as protest against their imprisonment and that of their beloved leader, would have been considered to be insane and a riot.
But in the end, Emeline Pankhurst saw that the only way forward was activism.
The Government under Mr. Asquith only tolerated the Suffrage Movement. They had laid the footwork, but no further hold was gained.
So she formed the suffragettes, that brave little lady. Her dream wasn't feminism and the crushing of men under the foot of women. Her dream was for rights to be given when women WERE treated as inferior in mind and subjected to being puppet dolls. For us to be acknowledged as being intelligent, able to reason and think and work without being scorned.

And here, only a hundred years on, there is a woman that WASTES her right to vote because she thinks it isn't worth it.

My point isn't that it's making a difference.

My point is that you can only waste your right to vote if you refuse to acknowledge Remembrance Day. For to refuse your right to vote as a woman is to kick in the faces the women who died for that right.
And to waste your right to vote as a man means that you are one of the many who will sit back and discuss the problems of a country without lifting a finger to take your single step in the right direction.

Is it so hard to mark a cross on a piece of paper? It's not like we're asking you to join a party.

Yes, it's hard to confine your opinions to a check box. If you don't vote for conscience's sake, then at least make a point of going and noting that down.

So yes, I'm going to close up with stating:

a) I don't think any political party holds the ultimate right.
b) The people are stating their opinion, but what they want is not a political party, but a difference.
c) We as the people have an obligation to vote, whether it makes a difference or not. Our consciences will then be clear of what befalls the nation.

Feel free to discuss. ;)

~Mademoiselle Siân


My head's in a muddle.

Two girls.

One way fulfilling, meeting the eager hungers of what I want to be. Meaning I have to use boundless energy, stand alone, take responsibility.

One way dark, confused, promising clouds and pain.

One will meet what I am and want now, test and fire and grow me in those areas.

The other will change me, show me new places as yet untrodden, take me into strength beyond strength not of my own.

The girl strolling around B&Q in the careless hair-do, unrefreshed makeup, sleeveless white top and blue jeans; abandoning all her dreams right now, throwing herself heart and soul into the work of the Royal Air Force Association and the Royal British Legion, changing jobs and climbing steadily onwards and upwards towards her goal of joining the Royal Air Force, becoming heavily involved in the Air Training Corps, working towards her commission.
The girl who gets involved in politics, with that potential energy lying underneath, still masked, the great influence and charm she has with people working towards bringing her chosen party to power.

I know I could do that. It would take - everything I am. It is bright, is interesting, exciting, challenging, adventurous.

Or - or I could walk the path I am now.

A path of pain. Or constant, vicious inward and outward conflict.

The girl who doesn't wear makeup or jeans that often, mostly resorting to blouses and long skirts because she's trying to show Christ from the inside rather than the outside.
Not because looking good outside is wrong, but because she knows she is attractive and that will pull people - and her, because she's weak - the wrong way.
The girl who's involved in the RAFA and will in the future (carefully) get involved with the RBL, and will continue her work with the ATC, but who has her sight on something more. And that's why she won't fulfil her dream and join the RAF.
That's why she won't get involved with politics, because her goal is something more.
She hates seeing her people being oppressed. But still more, she hates seeing souls lost, locked up and in tortured pain.
The girl with the past. The past that CAN be used to reach out to hurting people.
The girl who dreams of America, and a future of helping people who have been hurt as she has been.

Or will she choose to let the past go, and simply use what it has made her - not what it could do for others?

The work will be more successful in the first life. More bright. Less hard - in mental and emotional pain. It would reach more people - for far more would respond to political activism than would respond to someone trying to reach into their hearts and past their walls to love them as they are.

I have a God Who calls me. Will He give me the first? Or lead me into the second? me...

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

The Holy Grail

He lay where Lord Weston had struck him to the ground, his eyes brimful of sadness as he gazed at the place where dust was settling - dust, which was all that remained of his liege lord.

Outside, the battle raged on. Each of those who had been at the heart of the search for the Holy Grail met their doom at the hands of the overwhelming, vengeance-seeking Vikings. Each of those last knights of Camelot. Tainted as they were, still fighting vainly for a dream that eluded their grasp.

For only one who was pure of heart could possess the Grail.

As he lay there, the vision passed before him of the dead bodies of his comrades, including that of the girl he loved. Of the Vikings picking over the field of conflict before leaving to return from whence they came.

One Viking, the new leader, gathered his people together.

"Triumphant warriors, the shadow of Camelot has been lifted. You have bled, you have lost brothers, but every remnent of Camelot has this day met doom, and will not rise again! Go to your tribes, to your families; spread the word that the world is new!"
Then she came, in the dark loneliness...the evil he fought, the good turned bad - his mother, the Lady of the Lake, once the aid of Merlin, once the possessor of the Sword Excalibur, but now obsessed with wreaking vengeance on a Camelot that never could stay completely pure, for they were but mortals, this people and their kings, not gods. Obsessed with ridding the world of it, becoming like her sister, Merlin's mother Queen Mab.

"Forget the Grail. It will never be yours. The battle is done, Jack. There is no more need to fight. I will lay your comrades to rest with courtesy. You may go."

What was worse - that she stood there saying it? Or the way she said it? Not angry, not ordering. Just quiet, calm confidence that he would do as she said.

His spirit leapt to her challenge.


Her gaze flickered, her lips tightened.

"Life is still yours, Jack. Take it."

With her last words, he rose to his feet and faced her.

"I have done enough for myself. I might try something different."

With a flick of his hands, he charged her with a pulse of magic, for she was only of water, and with a scream and a flash of memories before his eyes, she splattered into water against the wall.

Then he turned to the Grail, glowing with serene light in the place it had returned from after consuming Weston.

He knelt slowly, gently before it, extending his hands, curving them around its form but at a distance.

"I have never proved myself worthy and cannot do so now.
I beg this gift for those who cannot ask.
Undo this madness, and do with me what you will."

He took it into his hands, knowing the death it had brought to Weston, knowing himself to be what he was, but willing to give his life for the chance that it might bring back good to the people of Camelot.

And life came pouring forth.


It wasn't until he recognised himself for what he was, that the Grail allowed him to take it.
When he admitted the impurity of his heart, he became pure of heart in humbling himself.

Christ, far more than the figment of imagination that the world, as the Vikings and many others, scorned.

Hard to find, costing everything, but worth it all - for when found, (and if we seek, we find) and if we come just as we are, not professing our best suit of armour or our claim to Kingship, not forcing our way by will and power, not seeking to use Him for our own glory - He pours out life, and life abundant. He gives power and strength, but to the poor and needy. To those who come to Him admitting of their own needs and begging His grace and mercy.

He loves to give. But He is Sovereign. And no Sovereign will be commanded.

I'm glad I watched Merlin. Still greater is my joy at having watched Merlin's Apprentice. I highly recommend it.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they SHALL see God."

In Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân

(C)Merlin's Apprentice 2005; quotes repeated verbatim. All quote and scene credits given to the film Merlin's Apprentice.