Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Troubled

My head's in a muddle.

Two girls.

One way fulfilling, meeting the eager hungers of what I want to be. Meaning I have to use boundless energy, stand alone, take responsibility.

One way dark, confused, promising clouds and pain.


One will meet what I am and want now, test and fire and grow me in those areas.

The other will change me, show me new places as yet untrodden, take me into strength beyond strength not of my own.


The girl strolling around B&Q in the careless hair-do, unrefreshed makeup, sleeveless white top and blue jeans; abandoning all her dreams right now, throwing herself heart and soul into the work of the Royal Air Force Association and the Royal British Legion, changing jobs and climbing steadily onwards and upwards towards her goal of joining the Royal Air Force, becoming heavily involved in the Air Training Corps, working towards her commission.
The girl who gets involved in politics, with that potential energy lying underneath, still masked, the great influence and charm she has with people working towards bringing her chosen party to power.

I know I could do that. It would take - everything I am. It is bright, is interesting, exciting, challenging, adventurous.


Or - or I could walk the path I am now.

A path of pain. Or constant, vicious inward and outward conflict.


The girl who doesn't wear makeup or jeans that often, mostly resorting to blouses and long skirts because she's trying to show Christ from the inside rather than the outside.
Not because looking good outside is wrong, but because she knows she is attractive and that will pull people - and her, because she's weak - the wrong way.
The girl who's involved in the RAFA and will in the future (carefully) get involved with the RBL, and will continue her work with the ATC, but who has her sight on something more. And that's why she won't fulfil her dream and join the RAF.
That's why she won't get involved with politics, because her goal is something more.
She hates seeing her people being oppressed. But still more, she hates seeing souls lost, locked up and in tortured pain.
The girl with the past. The past that CAN be used to reach out to hurting people.
The girl who dreams of America, and a future of helping people who have been hurt as she has been.

Or will she choose to let the past go, and simply use what it has made her - not what it could do for others?

The work will be more successful in the first life. More bright. Less hard - in mental and emotional pain. It would reach more people - for far more would respond to political activism than would respond to someone trying to reach into their hearts and past their walls to love them as they are.

I have a God Who calls me. Will He give me the first? Or lead me into the second?

God...show me...