Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Fallen Out Of Love

Dearest Lord,

*coughs and looks up, blinking hard* I guess this has been coming for a while. I'm listening to a song that says all You want is me. And it's true...

I've been feeling so down and depressed recently...I know You forgave me...but every time You do, even though I'm fully aware of Your forgiveness, and start smiling and singing again, I make no move to get close to You. And that's where the problem lies...if we don't move to get closer to You, we start moving backwards, because life with You can never BE at a standstill.

It's like a love relationship. It IS a love relationship. If you don't work at it, it starts to collapse.

It's not I haven't wanted's I wanted other things more than You. I was angry...and hating...and lonely...and numb...and...I'm sorry...

I need to forgive myself for what I've done...which I can't...but to forgive myself, I need to completely accept Your forgiveness and realise that is the only way I can be forgiven.

It's such a heavy weight...when you're loving for God...and getting hurt constantly...when you finally snap and hate those who have hurt one of the dearest people on earth to you, the hate is so powerful...almost as powerful as the love...but Father, You love through me. Conquer the hate.

Conquer the anger at myself for being hurt, and at others who have not lost as much as I have - but have in other ways. Everyone's hurt is equal. I learned that with C'rissie so long ago...

Conquer the loneliness. The desperate clinging and hurt when no one is there. I need to be so concentrated and centred on You, that no amount of loneliness can hurt me, that the unmet needs don't eat away, that the physical hunger is met by Your spirit...

Oh Lord. My Love. *buries face in hands*

Be what I need. Meet all my needs. Turn me towards Yourself. Make me the woman I am meant to be. That I should be. That I am not.
Change me...break me not to be terrified of the pain. I am...that is why I don't pray that prayer often as I should...why I choose to stay numb and hopeless and longing for death day after day.

People think it's sick, Lord, that I want to die...but it's a golden gateway. A gateway to...forever...with You. And You're the only worthwhile what in the world is there to live for?

But You say I need to live for You as well. And I make such a mess of that. But show to live for You. Not just that, but to LIVE You.

Thank You for the one spot of hope You've given. Thank You...for Your love being lived through that.

Change me into Your likeness, that the world may not look at me, but look at me and see You.

Conquer my desires and make my entire focus be on You and pursuing You...don't let Satan ever get hold on my greatest weakness again...and please meet that need.

Oh Father...*rocks back and forth a bit, looking upwards*

Make me fall in love with You again.

In Your Name and through Your Son I ask.

Amen <3

Sunday, September 09, 2012

Your Olympics

We cheered on the Olympians, and still more the Paralympians, with pride in our countries and awe at their amazing achievements.

Those guys (and gals) sacrificed years and time and money and strength and purpose to one goal - to compete here.

As Christians, we have our own Olympics to run. Our goal - which is Heaven, our struggle - which is life. And we are commanded to run in such a way as to win the prize - the prize of the upward calling of God in Christ Jesus.

I went to the opening of the Baptist Bible College in Telford area today. The guy who preached was Pastor David More.

He talked on running the race. But not so much the beginning, as the ending. We need to end well.

Many people, he said, start off enthusiastically and with zeal. But not so many end up finishing well, because they didn't run with dedication and purpose.

We need to set our sights on Christ and following Him. That must be our goal. We may change immediate goals and our lives turn around in the meantime, but our pursuit must always be of Christ.

Paul didn't say he fought the fight. He said he fought a GOOD fight.

Talking of teams, I created my own recently...which was what I originally wanted to blog about.

Now Team GB's over, I'm starting cheering for Team Autobio! Or to use the Twitter hashtag... #teamautobio

Correct! I posted a status up recently on most of the social networking sites I use, asking for people who knew a fair amount of my life, and didn't mind dealing with dark stuff, that I could trust with fairly intimate details, to join me in working on my autobiography.

It's a project I started work on back when I was staying with the Lausers in Ireland. I know I've gone through everything for a reason, and I know it has helped some young people already. So...I just want to put it into book form, even though I wasn't intending it to be published.

William, Nick, Jordan, Bethany, Meghan, Keifer, Chloe, Braden, Arielle and Brandyce comprise Team AutoBio.

Their jobs include reminding me to write, scanning over the sensitive material I send them, praying over it and me as I write and responding/giving constructive criticism in such a way as not to condemn or hurt either it or me, and sooner or later, critiquing it.

They're a fantastic bunch of people. I couldn't wish for a better group. :) I love you guys, if you read this.

I'd just like to post up a few comments from some of the team members who have been reading it. To kind of like...make you curious. :P

"You did a fabulous job with this chapter. This is an extremely hard subject to broach, yet you touched on it tactfully, but thoroughly and without sugar-coating or downplaying the seriousness of the subject. As someone who has been scarred from both of the issues brought up in this chapter, I know it's extremely hard to talk about it to other people like this. Very proud of ya. :)"

"I know that, while reading this, you would Ike me to read/critique/offer opinions, but at the moment I haven't really got any, other than it feels like this was written *for me.*...I think you are right in saying this is dark and sensitive material, but at the same time it possesses the potential to touch so many lives. If you tried to tone it down or soften your experiences, it wouldn't have the same effect as it does currently. This is powerful stuff. So, not much to say on the content (other than that what you've written so far has touched me personally, and I look forward to the rest of it)."

"At any rate, I love reading this not because you went through it--far from that, actually, and I'm sorry you had to experience many of the bad things in life alongside the good ones. Still, I feel like your experiences can help me (and others like me, whoever they may be) to better understand why God is taking me down my current path."

"Your writing style is beautiful, down to earth, and above all, easy to relate to, and human. For what you intend with this, that couldn't be better. I am sure the majority of people that might read this will find it very easy to understand you and where you're coming from. Your life, in several important ways, heavily reminds me of my own, and so, I am particularly interested to read...

One thing is that you probably don't need to defend your story as much as you do in the writing. The fact that you are writing so honestly and in such a manner already says a lot. With my full respect, I think less 'defense' for it would get everything across more. Anyone who judges you is being cruel-hearted and would/will anyway."

AND! The prologue. ;)

Grass shimmered under the glow of the sunlight, silvery blades bent before the wind.
The leaves and needles of the trees bordering the property glowed softly against a background of soft blue sky, puffed with dark blue and creamy grey clouds.

A tree bough moved in the breeze, bent a little nearer to the ground under the weight of a girl perched on the limb, clipboard with paper and pen on her lap.

Her blue-grey eyes searched the sky, looking for the words to a story, a song that was coming, always just around the corner, always just beyond her reach, always full of longing, an empty echo, a hunger in her soul.

Tucking a wave of red hair behind her ear, she began to write. Not the story she had come out intending to write, but another. A story that was but a much feebler copy of a greater, perfect tale only just begun.

I am that girl, and this is my story.

* * *

God bless!

Love in Christ,

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Walk On, With Hope In Your Heart

It's when I'm standing there, brushing my hair, that I realise I can't cope with the idea of another week stuck daily in an office, coming home tired, ending up exhausted, trying to do everything else and failing. Talking to people who I emotionally connect to via a telephone, who respond with briskness or harshness or apathy, most often than not. And it hurts.

It's then He comes to me, close, and reminds me that He worked as a carpenter until He was thirty.
Thirty years as a carpenter and three years of ministry.
Then He died.
And rose.
And spent forty more days here.
And left for Home.

He reminds me of Noah, who spent five hundred years living normally. Had three sons. Then his world turned upside down - literally.

He whispers of John the Baptist, who spent his life in the wilderness, until the time of his appearing to Israel.

And He asks me, "Can you not do this for me? Can you not live the boring and the mundane, live the life I have placed you in now, and continue to prepare - through the pain? Trust Me."

I wake up this morning, and fears are full and hope seems to be destroyed with a few short words.
Hope that had arrived on my doorstep glowing so bright that I couldn't help but hope, even though I knew it would probably fade. It seemed too good to be true.

And I close my eyes and despair at the vision of the life ahead. In debt and working to survive at twenty wasn't really my life's dream.

Then I open up my laptop, and read a message from Mama Lauser.

"God is working in your life. It is hard, I is painfully hard and hurts excruciatingly at times but you are doing things that make a difference in peoples lives. You can't see it right now, much of the time, but you are making a difference.
I am thankful for you. I am thankful you are my daughter that I got to adopt. I see so much in you...I see Christ in you as you love and help others.

Sian, you are made special by God in His image! You are going through an extreemly hard time right now, hang on to God and keep trusting Him. I know it seems so dark at times, but remember that even inthe darkest of time God is with you. Look to Him when you are tempted to hurt yourself. Trust Him to help you. Talk to the "Wonderful Counnselor" who knows more about your needs and troubles than any earthly counselor ever could. *smiles* I love you, Dear."

And I remember the messages from my OYAN friends when I abandoned the site's Facebook page in loneliness and despair earlier in the week, telling me - You belong. You make a difference. We can see God in you.

And I realise...if that is all my life is - it must be worth it. I daren't look ahead to another day more than I have to. And if I have to hope blind to make it to another day, I will, and I'll face the pain that hits me as it comes and when I have to.

But for people to see Christ in me - that's the goal of my life. That's what I want. That's the only thing worth living for. And the only reason worth dying for. If people can't see Christ in your life through your death, then I doubt it's time for dyin'.
Yes, I'm telling myself there.

Before I finish up, I want to send two little videos that I want you to click. Please. For me.
(By the way, it's awfully hard to dispose of long hairs! O.o)

When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of the lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone!
You'll never walk alone.

In His love always,
~Mademoiselle Siân