Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Glargh. A Whinge.

I just want someone to hug me...that I can collapse into, without worrying about being strong or not being a burden or trying to think about their state of mind.

I just wish I didn't drain the life out of people, that there was someone I meant as much to as they mean to me.

I'd just like to feel someone come alongside when the demons whisper to cut or to kill in my ears, take my hand and silently let me know they're there.

I just want to know that someone reading this won't grieve over not being able to do so.

I just need to find some way to deal with the searing pain, the breaking heart, the misunderstood person that everyone thinks they understand and no one is willing to accept that they don't.

I just have to stare at the screen with my blank empty gaze and painfilled eyes and wonder why I can love with His heart and not bring comfort or healing and have to watch them hurting.

I want the conflict between friends and family, and adopted family and family, and family and family to STOPPPPPPPP! Or at least stop smashing into me.

I just wish...for five minutes...that someone totally understood. Or totally understood that they didn't. But accepted what I was, what I am, didn't treat me like a child and treated me like I really mattered, instead of needing to be babied or bossed or talked over, and listened to me and actually cared what I thought, listened to it and considered it.

I want my head to stop splitting. Which it will do when I stop writing this, go downstairs and try to balance four chats and one IRL.

If it wasn't love, it wouldn't hurt.

I want to know why God isn't flesh-and-blood to hold me.

~Siân

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Conglomeration <--- Love That Word

I'm thankful for:

The tang of fresh air untainted by petrol
The soft press of the grass under my bare feet
The musty odour of milch and bracken
Beautiful adjectives.
The English language and its amazing intricacies
3 surveys on Guernsey - one for Disabled and two for Carers; my target is three and it's going to be REALLY tough from today.
2 surveys on a new project I've been briefed on that I have to get ten a day for.

God's returning of a kindness He once did through me today. A woman tapped my shoulder and handed me a packet of tissues, telling me to keep them all. She was so kind.



I've always liked Richard III. I feel like he was possibly one of the most ill-treated kings by history ever - his popularity certainly suffering a stunning blow, not only from his death on the field of Bosworth to the immediate crowning of his enemy Henry VII, but also through the mysterious loss of two Crown Princes in the Tower of London - and the wonderful life-changing (and perception changing) play RICHARD III as immortalised by William Shakespeare.

From a lover of art, as a play, RICHARD III is brilliant. From my fandom and stubborn loyalty view, it isn't.

However, one scene came to me while walking home today. I've copied it below for you.
Basically, it is the night before the Battle of Bosworth, while King Richard lies in his tent on one side of the field, and Harry Tudor, Earl of Richmond, does the same on the other.

"Enter the Ghost of Prince Edward, son to King Henry VI

Ghost

of Prince Edward
[To KING RICHARD III]
Let me sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow!
Think, how thou stab'dst me in my prime of youth
At Tewksbury: despair, therefore, and die!

To RICHMOND

Be cheerful, Richmond; for the wronged souls
Of butcher'd princes fight in thy behalf
King Henry's issue, Richmond, comforts thee.

Enter the Ghost of King Henry VI

Ghost

of King Henry VI
[To KING RICHARD III]
When I was mortal, my anointed body
By thee was punched full of deadly holes
Think on the Tower and me: despair, and die!
Harry the Sixth bids thee despair, and die!

To RICHMOND

Virtuous and holy, be thou conqueror!
Harry, that prophesied thou shouldst be king,
Doth comfort thee in thy sleep: live, and flourish!

Enter the Ghost of CLARENCE

Ghost of CLARENCE
[To KING RICHARD III]
Let me sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow!
I, that was wash'd to death with fulsome wine,
Poor Clarence, by thy guile betrayed to death!
To-morrow in the battle think on me,
And fall thy edgeless sword: despair, and die!--

To RICHMOND

Thou offspring of the house of Lancaster
The wronged heirs of York do pray for thee
Good angels guard thy battle! live, and flourish!

Enter the Ghosts of RIVERS, GRAY, and VAUGHAN

Ghost of RIVERS
[To KING RICHARD III]
Let me sit heavy on thy soul to-morrow,
Rivers. that died at Pomfret! despair, and die!

Ghost of GREY
[To KING RICHARD III]
Think upon Grey, and let thy soul despair!

Ghost of VAUGHAN
[To KING RICHARD III]
Think upon Vaughan, and, with guilty fear,
Let fall thy lance: despair, and die!

All
[To RICHMOND]
Awake, and think our wrongs in Richard's bosom
Will conquer him! awake, and win the day!

Enter the Ghost of HASTINGS

Ghost of HASTINGS
[To KING RICHARD III]
Bloody and guilty, guiltily awake,
And in a bloody battle end thy days!
Think on Lord Hastings: despair, and die!

To RICHMOND

Quiet untroubled soul, awake, awake!
Arm, fight, and conquer, for fair England's sake!

Enter the Ghosts of the two young Princes

Ghosts

of young Princes
[To KING RICHARD III]
Dream on thy cousins smother'd in the Tower:
Let us be led within thy bosom, Richard,
And weigh thee down to ruin, shame, and death!
Thy nephews' souls bid thee despair and die!

To RICHMOND

Sleep, Richmond, sleep in peace, and wake in joy;
Good angels guard thee from the boar's annoy!
Live, and beget a happy race of kings!
Edward's unhappy sons do bid thee flourish.

Enter the Ghost of LADY ANNE

Ghost of LADY ANNE
[To KING RICHARD III]
Richard, thy wife, that wretched Anne thy wife,
That never slept a quiet hour with thee,
Now fills thy sleep with perturbations
To-morrow in the battle think on me,
And fall thy edgeless sword: despair, and die!

To RICHMOND

Thou quiet soul, sleep thou a quiet sleep
Dream of success and happy victory!
Thy adversary's wife doth pray for thee.

Enter the Ghost of BUCKINGHAM

Ghost

of BUCKINGHAM
[To KING RICHARD III]
The last was I that helped thee to the crown;
The last was I that felt thy tyranny:
O, in the battle think on Buckingham,
And die in terror of thy guiltiness!
Dream on, dream on, of bloody deeds and death:
Fainting, despair; despairing, yield thy breath!

To RICHMOND

I died for hope ere I could lend thee aid:
But cheer thy heart, and be thou not dismay'd:
God and good angel fight on Richmond's side;
And Richard falls in height of all his pride.

The Ghosts vanish

KING RICHARD III starts out of his dream"

End quote.

The ghosts of his past rose up and confronted him that night with all the crimes he had done.
What strikes me about it?
And he got up the next morning and went out to fight.

(Yes, Shakespeare fans, I know I'm challenging the traditional view of WHY he went out to fight. It's just another way of seeing it that struck me.)

When the ghosts of our past and the fears of our present face us, what will we do? Turn tail and run in the hope of saving ourselves?
Or get out there and face the terrors, knowing that if we lose the battle, we have a God Who wins the war?

Your ghosts may tell you to despair and die. Mine are.

If you can't fix your blurry eyes anywhere, if your gaze is dull and glazed, if your soul is pressed into the mud and the blackness, just do one thing for me.
Look up. Whisper, "Help me." And remember, "Jesus loves me."
And live it like you believe He does.


~Siân

Fanning the Fanaticism

What's the reason we (a lot of us) like both Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes?

-They're run by the BBC. (Which means that the production is good, not necessarily anything else.)

-Steven Moffat has a hand in both.

-Benedict Cumberbatch and David Tennant are two of the best actors I've ever seen. (Of course, Laurence Olivier will always be the love of my screen).

-They have BRILLIANT hair. Including Matt Smith on this one.

-They wear great coats. There's just something about the way the coats swirl when the actor is running or striding.

-There's a chance Benedict Cumberbatch might end up on Doctor Who.

Of course, all of this post was fuelled by three things.

-A funny post might be slightly easing after everything else posted recently.

-Doctor Who is starting again in the next few weeks.

-I watched Sherlock Holmes last night.


AND. I went online afterwards to try and find out (AGAIN) how Sherlock didn't die...and FOUND JOHN WATSON'S BLOG.

Friends of mine immediately freaked out. :P

So! I'm posting the links to John Watson's blog...
http://www.johnwatsonblog.co.uk/
The best part of some of them is the comments. Particularly between Mrs. Hudson and the two boys.

There's even a cool spooky video of Jim Moriarty sneaking into the flat. :D

And Molly Hooper's website...which she started because she was bored...and met Jim Moriarty on there.
http://www.mollyhooper.co.uk/blog/

Of course, Connie Prince's highly ridiculous website...
http://www.connieprince.co.uk/
Again, the best part is the message board.

And last but DEFINITELY not least -

THE SCIENCE OF DEDUCTION.

http://www.thescienceofdeduction.co.uk/

Sherlock Holmes Websites: BBC

Enjoy! I got quite a few laughs.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Pain of the Depths

When you walk through the town centre carrying a bouquet of roses and carnations, and two lonely middle aged women jump up, sarcastically exclaiming that you've brought them flowers...so you give them one rose each, thinking that there's no one to probably give them bouquets...

When you sit helplessly at work after completing an hour long survey, crying silently as the other woman on the end of the phone is sobbing so hard she can barely speak, because you've just raked up the depths of her heart...her husband with cancer newly returned, her son with epilepsy that the doctors won't diagnose...of course there was empathy and that's why it opened her...

When you ride home on a bus and have a phone call telling you someone's depressed and your heart sinks into the bottom of your boots...

When you make a firm and cheerful decision to move to buy a house that will saddle you with debt for twenty-five years...

When you realise that you will see your father again next week...a man you'd planned never to see again until you emigrated, and the last time you saw, you hurt yourself...

When you walk into a house that seeps with darkness and stillness and ceaseless chatter and cynicism and sadness and loneliness and neediness and have no idea how to do anything but try to shine feebly...and end up sharing the depression....

When you try to deal with conversations and helplessly watch friends self-harming and cry silently because you can't help or be there...and try to interact with other verbal chats about nothing...

When you watch your family fall apart...listen to all and side with none...fence posts turn out to be not so safe after all.

When you think you see God's plan and a door opening and it turns out to be slammed in your face...

When you spend five mindless days and two tortured ones because of knowing five more are coming...

When your heart is adventure and your body trapped in mindless routine...

When everyone requires and expects you to remember and all you do is forget...

When you feel so close to God and yet so far...

When so many prayer requests come in and you _forget_...

When your friends all distance but a few and everyone cares but no one's there...

When you crumple in tears on a bus in front of strangers because it's the safest place to cry and end up with a strange guy with a kindly face patting the seat next to him...

When you stoop and take up your cross and realise the weight and the distance to travel...and look up and call out...where am I going?

And He says...Follow me.

When your mind blows and you curl up in a ball and long for life to be over sooner than later...

There's one phrase that carries me through.

"Jesus loves me."


Then you watch Fireproof...

And realise.

Love gives everything.
Love is unconditional.

God is Love.
And that is why He can love me.

~Siân

Monday, August 13, 2012

Peace In Our Time

So were the famous words of Neville Chamberlain as he stepped off an aeroplane waving the White Paper - a signed declaration off Hitler stating that (in essence) he did not intend to make war with Britain.

Of course, a few weeks later, Hitler violated his word by attacking and ultimately conquering Poland, and finally, after having slept through the rapes of Austria, the Sudentenland, Czechoslovakia and Danzig, Britain declared war on Germany.

Neville Chamberlain declared peace for his time. No war for a country choosing to close its eyes in fear of a war that it dreaded.
However, his words were truer than he realised.

There is peace in all of our times. Even in the midst of the war, in our life battles - there is peace in our time.

I mentioned not long ago that God has been teaching me trust and hope. I'm learning that peace is intrinsically bound up with these.
The possession of peace is not a result. As with love, peace is a choice - a choice to trust God with what we cling on to, to hope in His goodness. It is something He grants.

Peace from God is not just an absence of conflict. It fills, it completes.

Isaiah 9:7 reads: There will be no end to the increase of His government or of peace, on the throne of David and over his kingdom, to establish it and to uphold it with justice and righteousness from then on and forevermore.
The zeal of the Lord of hosts will accomplish this.

God's peace isn't something that comes and goes. It increases - forever. There will be no end to it. *smiles* Isn't that awesome?

To have peace, our hearts must be set on God. Again, Matthew 6:33 - But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

We should have peace in our relationships. Our primary relationship is with God - we need peace with God.
Romans 5:1 - Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ...

If we have peace in God, we don't have to be afraid of anything. Trust and peace come out of perfect love, because perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

The second relationship is with other people. God commands us to live at peace with all men.
Romans 12:18 - If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

If we are holding anger or unforgiveness towards a person in our relationship, then we are at odds with that command.

Remorse for sin leading to repentance is right. Remorse is only good if it leads to repentance - a complete turning from sin, an about-face and a march towards the other direction.
Guilt is wrong. Guilt traps and ensnares us long after the forgiveness of God is extended towards us. We need to receive that forgiveness - albeit with thankfulness, trembling and joy at His grace.

Third relationship - we find peace with ourselves when we are at peace with God.
Philippians 4:7 - And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 3:5-7 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

Don't become wise in what we think God is doing for us.


Keeping communication lines open with the Lord is essential to being able to trust Him. We need to talk to God and tell Him everything we're going through; to praise Him for what He's already done. To concentrate not on the problem or storm, but also on the past and present victories.

Ephesians 4:31-32 - Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
These are key to living peaceably with God, with others and ultimately with ourselves.

Forgiveness is God coming to live inside a creature whose sin had corrupted it so much that He once hated it (by very means of His purity) - there is nothing conditional about forgiveness as it is offered; the only condition is the acceptance of it.

Hebrews 2:9 But we do see Him who was made for a little while lower than the angels, namely, Jesus, because of the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor, so that by the grace of God He might taste death for everyone.

We cannot make others be forgiven. God's forgiveness is an individual reality, as is the Christian walk. Between oneself and God.
What is more important - living at peace with God and secure in Him from the pain of being unforgiven or holding unforgiveness in our hearts, fleeing from saying sorry and not being at peace with any one of those three?

Is God real to you? What is distracting you from being at peace with God?

John 14:27 says, Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.

God should be in every area of our lives. When He is truly the centre of our being, the point of focus in every detail - He has our trust. We can hope in Him. And He will grant us peace.

Love in Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

(With thanks to Pastor Steve Davies of Kingsmead Baptist Church
And to my arm which served as sermon paper notes. :P)

Thursday, August 09, 2012

I Will Worship!

Today's praise and thankfulness list!


Tomorrow is Friday!

We get to dress down, so I can wear a t-shirt and denim. :D

I'm going out with Mom almost every Saturday to places all over Britain.

This Saturday we're going to a castle and the beach in Wales!

God put good friends in my life. :) Friends who mentor me, encourage me and try to heal my insecurity without shunning me because of it.

My new fantasy novel, which I'm intensely intrigued by (it was started by a dream as I had a nap on my desk at work).

I've just applied to a singing concert in Solihull, thanks to my sister's Auntie Chris who knows all the right places to go. :D I just have to pay and show up!

I have my 425 Squadron hoodie and my 196 Squadron t-shirt. *happy*

I'm getting better at dancing with Mr. Invisible. ;)

Work is going well at the moment and my bosses are happy with me. :)

Dreams of going for flight attendant, depending on how things work out.

Plans seem to be moving forward towards buying a home for Mom and me, God willing.

Every time I get to babysit at my sister's, I can watch Doctor Who. And every time I babysit at my brother's, I can also watch Doctor Who. ...and use the internet. :D

I'm thankful for Spotify! It has availability for wondrous musics. :D

The way that Twitter's DM system works with my mobile phone, so I can text my American friends at a normal text charge rate.

The crisis counselling course I'm hoping to take.

That I got to even APPLY for Britain's Got Talent. :)

My CI papers are through from the Squadron, so hopefully I'll be back involved with that soon.

My autobiography

My other novels :P

Books!

God's Word, and His answer to my prayer, increasing and developing my hunger and desire and interest in His Word! Praise You, Father!

The way God teaches every attribute and characteristic IF we search for HIM in EVERY circumstance and situation!

Like love! And hope! And trust! He's teaching me hope and trust at once. :D

I want to say how thankful I am for my beautiful daughters; Calleigh, Nav, Bethy, Rie (Mary Beth) and Robin. You are special, amazing, talented and through-and-through thoroughly BEAUTIFUL young women. I love you so much. :)

My amazing friends and amazing adoptive family. <3

My birth-and-blood siblings.

My amazing mother. I love you Mom. I love spending the Saturdays hanging out with you. It's so cool to be spending time in my beloved country's beloved history, with the most beloved woman in my life. ;) Don't forget that. I _love_ it.

My mentors and closest friends: Jay Lauser, Brendan Hanley, Kyle Johnston, Keifer Lucchi, William Beard, Rachel Werner, Mama Lauser, Kristin Dodd, Katie Comstock, Adrienne Niceley and Anjelica Childs.

That's a lot more than I'd normally admit to. ;) Thank you for sticking by me when I tried to kick you out, loving me unconditionally, not letting go on me even when I backed off, and - staying. Thank you so much for staying. More than I can say.

Lord God Almighty. You are _so_ good to me. <3 I love You...so little. TEACH ME to LOVE You MORE! Ever more, ever increasing, Father, come into me, fill me and change me into Your image, depth, love and likeness! <3

Monday, August 06, 2012

Broken By Love

Blubbing seems to be my favourite pastime during services at the moment. God is so loving, so tenderly caring, so very gentle.

When we expect condemnation, He tends to show more of His mercy and grace. When we're being arrogant and big-headed and hard-hearted, that's when He tends to break us.

Although I admit, you can be broken by love. It's one of the most beautiful things in this world.


Last week, Pastor Steve preached on hope. For a girl who'd been struggling a lot the past week and was wrapped in despair...it broke me with love.

The main line that I took away from it was: Hope in God when there is none - and He will give you hope.

Kristin Dodd, who I met at the Workshop 2012 and tried to reach out to help, has become MY help in so many ways. My little Hope Box, I call her. She drills into me, quite literally, not to despair and "Esperanza" - hope.

God is so good...

Then this week. There's been financial worry and other worries all week. And this morning, Dale Peterson preached on - guess what? Worry! Here's some notes I took from this morning.

Points:

1 - Putting Christ first in my life ensures that God will supply all my needs.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33
Following Him brings peace.


2 - Pray and expect God to actually answer. Remember that God has three answers to prayer - Yes, No and Wait.

For
All
I
Trust
Him

I can thank Him most when I've trusted Him most.


3 - God will meet our needs when we follow His financial principles.

"A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent." Proverbs 28:20

"I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." Psalm 37:25


4 - Be content with what you have.

"...but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent." Proverbs 28:20

"He that loveth silver shall not be satisfied with silver; nor he that loveth abundance with increase: this is also vanity. When goods increase, they are increased that eat them: and what good is there to the owners thereof, saving the beholding of them with their eyes?" Ecclesiastes 5:10-11

Regardless of the circumstances, I can and will be happy.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Philippians 4:11


5 - Applying the law of the harvest.

If we sow sparingly, we will reap sparingly. (This is not regards to monetary, but in all circumstances where we worry.) Sow bountifully and reap bountifully.

"But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully." 2 Corinthians 9:6

If you lay out your life for Christ and for others, God will bless it and multiply it in ways you never expected.

"Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:" 2 Corinthians 9:7-8

God says He will supply all our needs.

Questions:

1 - What does all include?

2 - What is left for us to fear?


If we choose wisely, there is nothing to fear. I pray that this little bit will bless you as much as it did me!!

Love in Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Saturday, August 04, 2012

While I'm Human...

Because apparently I turn into a mind-drugged zombie for five days out of seven. Which is truth. :P

:D

I've just finished a candlelight dinner date with my Mother. *smiles* She's an absolute genius at cooking. It was chicken and some veg in a creamy sauce with some...side dish that I've totally forgotten cause I was concentrating on the main part. :P With mango and a quarter tub of icecream for pudding. I know, right?!

After a lovely day out at Beeston Castle in Cheshire, (in my unique style of Rebelution blue t-shirt, sapphire blue skirt looped up at the sides to display my Union-Jack-cross-Stars-and-Stripes leggings, red rose earrings and purple flower), which has to be one of the largest castles in the UK, we also bought some finery (which we don't really need) which was quite enjoyable. (Charity shops are gorgeous.)

I met an enchanting little lad who loved my singing. We spent half an hour on the charity bus while Mom ran off to get some money from the cashpoint with him first running in & out, then chatting to me (I was singing Mamma Mia and he knew it), then dancing (to Dancing Queen). :D

Plus, right now, I'm feeling human. I've chatted on the OYAN chat tonight; to Caleb and Anjelica via Facebook; my daughters Bethany and Mary-Beth on Gmail and Skype; Kristin and William (video chat) via Skype; Matthew, Kiehl, Brendan and Nate via Gmail.

Also, I have a bunch of arranging for the RAFA to do this coming week with cadets and shops for the Battle of Britain collection; I'm visiting 196 Squadron Tuesday and 425 Wednesday.

I'm trying to start a new group on Facebook (Non-Courting Peoples!), get S4C (Single for Christ) up and running again, work on the Rejuvenating the RAFA blog, and keep Facebook and Twitter under control. :D

Top priorities.
Getting Mom's Twitter, getting her passport photo sorted;
Work on the Non-Courting Couples FB group and S4C, and the RAFA blog.
Critique Anjelica's, Nate's and Katie's stories.
AND writing a chapter in my autobio. >.>

And write out a family update/prayer request. :P XD

*grins*

I'd best get going!

GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU - and don't forget.

You are loved.
By God and by me.

~Mademoiselle Siân