Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Of Three Trivial Things

My highest blog post views tend to be when the title contains the words love, marriage or something pertaining to it. I'm guessing that's because a) it's the most important subject in human life - being loved - and b) due to the fairly young/marital age range of my readers.

Interesting note one.

I came home from work today panicking somewhat inside due to being overdrawn again at the bank, wondering - again - why God hasn't yet met my financial needs. Then I turn around to see a new brown top with my floppy brown hat.

I had to laugh. It was like He'd slipped a finger under my chin, looked into my eyes and said with a smile, "Sian, I'm looking after your material needs. Trust Me with the rest!"
Truly, I can trust Him to supply all my needs when I need, though not necessarily my wants - or my needs when I want. So I may as well keep working and singing and leave Him with my worries too.

Interesting note two.

I have always, to some degree, disfavoured e-books, Kindles, etc. To me, there is something entirely wonderful in possessing your own personal copy of a book, to store, to treasure, to hold, to savour, to curl up with and read. This is the reason that my biggest dowry is my library. E-books store them all in one little neat compact place; small, concise, easily accessible. The tecchy-loving side of me is at war with my old-fashioned, classical love of books.

As a working woman, I find it hard to read nowadays. I've read about three books from the start of my working life until now. Barring, of course, the huge adventure of the entire collection of Sherlock Holmes. <3 As the people who really know me are aware, my new phone and I are very deeply in love. Jess accuses us of being inseparable. Which is kinda true. :D I found this cute little app on my phone called "Play Books", opened it, and was delighted to find three books - FULL books. "The Three Musketeers", which has always been one of my favourites and I haven't seen since we left home, "Treasure Island" which I've never actually fully read and "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" - another favourite. So I started on "The Three Musketeers". Not only was I delighted to find it wasn't an abridged version, but also that I can't skip ahead. Anyone who knows me knows I have a really bad habit of reading the first couple of chapters, reading the end of the book, going back and reading halfway from the middle through to the end, and then abandoning it. I'm reading "The Three Musketeers" more in-depth than ever before. But last night I found the lovely little button called "Play Store". OOOOOH, YES. You can pay up to £11 for books on there! O.O However, there were also a lot of books that were free. >:D My little "Play Books" app now has both classics I've read and classics I haven't on there -

Shirley - Charlotte Bronte (unread)
Northanger Abbey - Jane Austen (unread)
Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
Around the World in Eighty Days - Jules Verne
Paradise Lost - John Milton (unread)
Emma - Jane Austen (unread)
Silas Marner, Weaver of Raveloe - George Eliot
The Odyssey - Homer (unread)
Hamlet - William Shakespeare
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde (unread)
A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
Macbeth - William Shakespeare
The Scarlet Letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne (unread)
Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (part unread)

Imagine my joy!

Also, some of those that cost, I'm going to look at actually buying. :D Well. Probably some of the above too. I can barely wait to start reading!

Interesting fact three.

There you go! Hope I've bored you sufficiently. ;)

~Mademoiselle Siân

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

A Selfish Kind of Love

One woman.
She loves one man.
Two men in love and pursuing her hand in marriage.

One man refuses to pursue until the man she loves disappears.
The other is encouraged to pursue and does so, causing much pain.

Both attempt to outdo the other in declaring themselves the most in love. One that he has right of longevity, the other that he has more need - and who he's supported by. Both continually put down the other, citing all the reasons why they could not POSSIBLY be in love as much as themselves.

One even tried to make the woman pick between them as to who she would go to when the man she loved finally left.

I've been in love. I am in love. And I know that no love deserves being put down, mocked or undermined. Something neither of those guys learned.
Apart from lust. Which is falsely classed as love. And a selfish love.

A love that demands proves only one thing. That you love only yourself. It is a selfish love that cannot let go for the best of another.
True love lets go of everything for the best of the other.

The woman tried to pacify both of the guys and ended up in a pretty big mess.

God's pretty much her only help. And He did in a miraculous way.

Love lets go. Even though it hurts.
And love never boasts means that it doesn't go around telling the other person, I'm doing this for you.

When you would gladly die for someone else, it doesn't mean a storybook agonising death where the loved one ends up with a sweet sadness in having been died for. It doesn't mean drowning your own pain in a death to make the other person regret you.
Laying down your life for someone is living day to day with your pain, fighting your despair and praying and working to turn it into a thing of beauty.

Love is the most powerful thing in the world.
Like all good things, it is distorted by Satan.
And it can destroy you, if you let it eat away at you like a cancer, or it can make you shine.

Love is not your personal possession.
Love is God. God is love.
And He gives true love as a gift.

In Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Sunburn Blessing

Lying in bed wasn't the way I dreamed of celebrating.
By the way, Happy St George's Day and Happy Day of the Silence!

I hate lying in bed and as soon as I've caught a little more healing sleep I'll meander around the house and find something more proactive to do.
Of course, still giving my shoulder a chance to heal. Drinking water and rubbing cream in and taking Erythromycin and stuff.

In Bedford at Wrest Park Gardens on Saturday, wearing my new burnt orange dress at the St George's Day pageant, I got sunburned. At 12 C.

The burn made me look like a tomato initially, but I still went bowling Saturday night. By Sunday afternoon, my nose was starting to ooze stuff. And yesterday, my shoulder and nose were covered in yellow crusty stuff.
The pain was making my head swim and I was a little disorientated, so popped into the doctors on the way home from work.
The doctors said my burn is infected and was a little concerned about it entering my bloodstream, so I'm on a course of antibiotics with a recommendation of being signed off work. (Not on your life!)

With it being 12c that I burned at, first time ever, Mom and I are slightly concerned that my skin is becoming more and more fragile. Would appreciate prayers on that front.

My shoulder is practically immobile, apart from being able to bend and use my forearm to some degree.

I guess the reason I'm blogging is because I suddenly realised how little we stop to appreciate the use of our limbs until we lose them.

I can't pick things up, can't scratch my back, put my hair up, brush my hair, have to manoeuvre my head down to the plate to eat,  can't turn over in bed, wear certain clothes... all those little things we barely notice, suddenly we become most grateful for when we lose them.

And at least I'll regain my arm. Some people never will.

How much we have to be thankful for!

By the way. I can't celebrate the Day of the Silence due to my burns. But my skin is red and white. Guess I'm kinda celebrating St George's Day after all! ;)

Count your blessings,  cause God is good.
~Mademoiselle Siân

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Unequal Marriage Vows?

I am naturally a strong woman. So are all the women in our family, in usually most areas bar one.

Currently, I'm looking more and more towards living my life as a single woman (which is really not up for discussion as all I usually get is jeers and you-can't-do-its), but as this post has been in my head for some time, I figured I'd write it anyway.

Women all have some kind of guy-requirement list that they look for in a man, particularly in a man they'd like to marry.

Part of the "qualifiers" I look for in a guy are not just that he is a Christian, growing actively in God and seeking to put Him first in everything, not just that he is tender-hearted but wise, not just that he is thrifty but not stingy, but that he is stronger than me.

Believe me, that's very hard. *grin* I've only met two guys in my life that are.

My Achilles heel makes it so there has to be a guy who is stronger than me in my life. Most girls hate me when I say it, but to some degree, at least to me, most guys are fairly bendable. And that sounds weird to say.

He'll have his weak spots for sure, as I have mine. He's human; so am I. When love is true love, it loves unconditionally and forgives. But there's still wisdom required. Don't demand a perfect man; you're not a perfect woman. Don't demand a perfect woman; you're not a perfect man.

Marriage isn't meant for the other person to be the person you wish you were, but two flawed humans coming together to help each other grow towards God.

Like I said though - there is wisdom required. For example; looks are not a necessity; personal hygiene pretty much is. (I know that was pretty much a bad example, but you get what I'm saying.) Don't be looking for the things that will fade in a couple of years time; look for the God-seeking character. And don't forget they won't be perfect.

I hope this is coming out clearer than it feels. :P

Part of being a strong woman means being strong enough to choose to not contest my will against my husband's. The Biblical picture of marriage means letting him lead. It's not following behind him several steps and never venturing to express an opposite opinion.
It's supporting him in his decision and never saying I told you so when he makes the wrong one but still being there and encouraging him to carry on.
It's letting him make the decisions for the family and not taking that on myself.

It's easier when you're a more retiring person, that's for sure. ^_^

A marriage isn't a wedding for the good times and up to the times you start to argue - but nothing more than that. A marriage is a life-long union of growing together. And growing towards God and in God.

To have and to hold, from this day forward;
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness or in health,
To love and to cherish/to honour and obey
Til death do us part.

The bold parts are the harder parts. Cherishing is different to loving. Obeying is different to honouring.

I was walking down the road the other day, praying. Sometimes I randomly recite that wedding vow and repeat it. Which I did. And then was talking with God about it.

Suddenly it struck me how much of an unequal bargain it is. God's loving us.

Because as you know, and as I've detailed before, marriage is a picture of Christ's union with the church.

God takes us for worse, for poorer, in sickness, to love and to cherish.

And love doesn't always give us what we want, but it does always give us what we need.

We take Him for better, for richer, in health, and refuse to honour or obey.

*smiles a bit *

Everyone wants a superhero who saves people from their problems and struggles but comes through and knows the way they feel and tells them they're incredible.
Everybody loves the Doctor.

How many of those are happy about the idea that Someone like that might actually exist?

Oh no. We want someone like the Doctor.
Not God.

Because the idea of Someone to whom we actually own allegiance is intolerable.
To this day man wants a false freedom. To decide right and wrong himself. To pick and choose his ruler, and even his Maker.
And oh, what trouble it brings when we try to run things instead of leaving it to an all-wise and all knowing God. Who is too good to be true and yet must be blamed for everything bad.

Unconditional love. Perfect trust and obedience. And simple, childlike faith.

God is good. And He loves us. Forever.

In Him,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Friday, April 12, 2013

Miracles Exist ~ America 2013

For the third time, this year, God willing, I hope to set foot on American soil. A place where my kinsmen emigrated, my ancestors fought, and my friends live.

Each time has been a miracle - the kindness shown me by friends who both gave and anonymously sent money and my boss Lisa who invented jobs to pay me so I could go in 2011, and by American friends who took me in and also paid for me as I went across the States.

The gracious miracle when my wages were higher than expected last year, 2012, figuring just enough money to go to both Ireland and America and cover our rent while I was gone.

Now I'd like to share with you the miracle of 2013. :)

God. Is. Amazing.

And He provides. Like, when you don't expect Him to. This year's trip to OYAN was a lot weirder than expected...

My colleague Jess Phelps (we are starting to interact a lot outside of work - she and Stephen are my two best friends at work) and I started kidding around about me taking her with me to America, at the time of the heavy snow fall back in January. Then she started looking at tickets. Then it "snowballed" (forgive the bad pun!) from there.

Towards the end of last year, I increased the rent I was paying towards the housekeep til in effect I am now paying the rent and a bit extra every month. I knew that by all earthly means, there was no way I was going to be going to Kansas this year.

Except Mom promised to pay my flight over (because of the extra money, even though I told her to leave it) if the house was sold by then.

Jess knew my problem, and offered to pay both flights on her credit card, with my paying her back £50 a month or as much as I could afford until I cleared my flight debt.

I don't like going into debt, especially already being still in debt, but there's stuff in our friendship that makes me think God for sure is in it, and the doors I've seen God open in our friendship already, the conviction I still have that God wants me at the Workshop this year, and this being the only means of my getting to Kansas made me believe this was the door God had opened.

Oh, then it came to booking the flights.

We booked with the same agent I used last year - one Just down the road from work. Cheap flights, good service.
First we went to look.
Then the price went up by the March paydate. Hehe...£638.

Jess couldn't get the bank to extend her credit. Mom had convinced me to get a credit card last year, and my sister advised me it was wiser to book on mine. With Jess so excited and planning, I uncomfortably went against my dislike of credit cards and decided to book on it.

But oh no, that wasn't the end.

Jess booked her flight, and I asked permission to book mine over the phone as I had forgotten to bring my credit card into work that morning. The last place I remembered it was on my dressing table. Took the fastest bus home, hopped off at the Bell Inn, walked as rapidly as possible and caught the 45 on the last lap of the Journey, getting home five minutes before they were due to shut, and it wasn't there. They hung on for ten minutes for me.

I lost my credit card. In my bedroom.

I spent one night bar two hours looking for it. Then two hours of the next night. They had to let the flights go then.

I had all the details on different statements - bar the expiry date. And I failed one security question so the bank wouldn't let me through to see if I could get it from them. I went to the travel agent's and attempted to book and guess the expiry date but it failed. Then I tried extending my overdraft. Again, fail.

Finally I cancelled the card and ordered a new one. (Which since its arrival, has been through a trip in the washing machine...yes, I'm terrible...)
The flight Jess had booked was £900+ by the time the new card reached me.

At that time, my friend John Rust was asking me to visit and I said maybe October, so we planned the following flight from Birmingham Airport to Dulles Airport, he paid my flight to Kansas City and then I booked my return flight from Kansas. Overall, on my side, it was about £718.

I'll be staying with Brendan Hanley and his (scary :P) grandparents, which I'm pretty excited about.

Jess and I will meet up in KCI, somehow, and Rob is coming to pick us up, which is kinda tradition for me now. Him meeting me in Kansas. :D

First week will be spent roaming around, the second is the OYAN workshop, and we've booked both dorms and food :P. I normally hang around in Kansas after the workshop but this year I'll be flying home on the Saturday as my family would like me home for our 21st and I don't want to be too Jet-lagged.

God seems to currently be providing to cover the cost in a marvellous way - I say seems to because I'm still struggling to believe it's happening.

I was in a car accident back in Feb with my sister and baby niece, Sam and I sustaining slight injuries to our neck/shoulders. The solicitor reckons compensation high enough that it would both clear my bill and leave Mom in the clear for when I go away and financially stabilise me. I still can barely believe it...but if it is, it really really shows that a) God has provided every time the last three years for me to go and b) that He always meets our needs!!

God is so good!!

My flights are as follows:

June 7th:
Birmingham Airport, 0920 to Charles De Gaulle, Paris at 1140.
Charles De Gaulle at 1630 to Washington, Dulles at 1845.

June 8th:
Washington, Dulles 11:45 to Minneapolis, St Paul at 1:31
Minneapolis St Paul, 3:05 to Kansas City at 4:35.

June 22cd-23rd:
Kansas City, 1650 to Atlanta at 19:54
Atlanta, 2045 to Charles De Gaulle at 11:10am
Charles de Gaulle 1250 to Birmingham Airport, 1310.

I'm so excited. So is Jess. So are my friends.

My heart is sad because many of my old and dearest friends will not be there this year. But there are others who are coming and want to say hello...and life moves on...and people are...friendships fade and new ones are built. And real friendships always last.

God is amazing. Can't wait for this adventure to begin!

Love in Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Life Praises

Sooo! A week ago since Easter Sunday 2013. The one and only. :P

I had the Thursday off and the company closed the call centre from Friday to Bank Holiday Monday, giving me a full five days off. It felt like my brain came back to life. :P
Seriously, call centre work is both mentally consuming and emotionally draining. So these five days were a blessed recooperation time, enough to be making plans for the future again. :D

I've been looking into colleges in the USA, as Mom's (and with it, mine in a way) future seems to be stabilising in spite of the problems with the divorce. Doesn't look too likely due to expense, but yah...
I'd love to study English some more, in spite of my O Level qualification already, and also maybe psychology and counselling courses. And I still want to study sign language.

The careers I'm thinking of pursuing - and this may sound a lot, but! I didn't have ANY idea before. Hehe - are music, counselling, gardening, law, air hostess. Quite a variety, I know.
Music - I love singing.
Counselling - I love helping people.
Gardening - I hate being stuck inside an office!
Law - money and intellectual stimulation.
Air Hostess - I really want to travel. There you go!

There's also a chance I may learn to drive in the next 12 months too. That would certainly be interesting.

These were my last five days holiday until June, then I leave for America on June 7th, returning on June 23rd. The three Deans will fly in from Texas around that time to start their tour of Britain and then attend our birthday celebration on June 25th at a restaurant in Stratford. :D

Mom has her second operation then on July 4th, so I'd be appreciating prayer muchly for that. That takes us to the end of August, at which point I'll resume membership of the Air Training Corps as a Civilian Instructor and start really getting into the other charities I'm involved in.

In September, I'm going to try and travel back to Ireland for a weekend, and then if the house (my old family home) is sold by October, I'm hoping to make another hop over the ocean to attend the wedding of two friends, Daniel and Laura, in Washington.

...happy Christmas. XD!

The plans for my five days off didn't go exactly to plan - I wanted to spend time doing hand crafts (knitting and making the wedding veil), tidying up a little, catching up online stuff, booking for OYAN 2013 and cleaning out my fish, Tom and Dick. Some of it I completed, some didn't get done, but overall, it was quite restful. So thankful for the time to relax and start thinking again!

I've been scared of bankruptcy recently due to my heavy debts and unable to pull even with some bills and my wage being uncertain. God gave me a REAL shock when two weeks ago, I was put on a project that landed me NINETEEN ten minute surveys in one day. People were just...doing them!
I got twelve surveys the first day, Sadaf did seven in the morning of the second (I was off that day) then I did nineteen the third.

Because of that, I landed my bonus pay of an extra 50p an hour for the five working days, as I'd then met my weekly target; Sadaf and I were both given an extra two hours' pay because I completed the project that day, instead of going home early, and also, I got entered into the company's new initiative voucher scheme which will run as long as the ESS project runs and won the £50 voucher! Guess who's singing praises! :D

Marcia is the new manager at BMG while one of the old ones is on maternity leave, and a very delightful and lovely lady. I consider her my friend as well as a manager, which isn't something that can always be said for a manager.

I mentioned my Achilles heel in the last blog. It has levels of sinfulness. And I hit a new point in it. God is very gentle with me currently on that - I'm not sure why. I think He leaves my conscience and the knowledge of distance from Him to me, because they punish me sorely.
I went into work the next day after hitting the new point, numb and extremely depressed. I may have said before, but I can be pretty cheerful even when depressed.

Marcia had, the night before, accepted my friend request on FB, so I thanked her for it. She said there wasn't any need to thank her, and then said something to the point of the following:

"You know, I noticed something different about you, so I scrolled through your FB profile to see if I could find something. I didn't want to say anything cause you know people are funny with political correctness and stuff, but then I found I was right, cause you mentioned God on there."

Me: "You're a Christian?!"

Marcia: "Yes, I am. And I just wanted to tell you that you can really see the Light in you. You burn so brightly. You shine."

I was in tears.

Eleanor, one of my (now gone - I'm really sad about that!) fellow colleagues, came up to me straight after and said (in her "cute" voice :D ), "You looked really sad the other day and I noticed, so I've brought you a sticker to cheer you up."

I gotted a unicorn sticker!

It struck me exactly how few people even notice that I was sad - considering I was being happy - and even fewer would care enough to comment and I said so.

Isn't God good? Sometimes sweet and gentle balm to a wound can be more of a loving chastisement than any fearful punishment which I was coweringly expecting to fall while begging Him to deliver me.

The last and not least of my praises was because of Stephen Higgins, my best guy friend at work, going to the Comic Con in Birmingham (the same one Addison went to). He went and spoke to Colin Baker, the Sixth Doctor, who I actually have some episodes of! Apparently Steve spent most of the time telling him what a big Whovian I was, and he even rang me so I could speak to him, but I was asleep! *cries*
Colin Baker, however did personalise and autograph a photo for me, with the accompanying words, "Well, I certainly hope that this makes Sian's day."

:D :D :D :D

Two letters recently came in from sisters Fiona Hanley and Ashley Mayberry, sharing and speaking comfort. God knows how much they meant to me. I admit, I cried again.

I'm such a grumbler. And I wish it wasn't so hard to discount the heavy pressures and griefs and to focus on the joys of living!

Good friends. Encouragement from both Christians and non-Christians. The gentle balm of God on a sore and broken heart that is fearing how heavily His chastisement will fall. His providence for my needs in the hour of pleading.

We serve a living and a powerful God. Keep counting your blessings!

In His mercy,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Note to My Friends

The impending cataclysm still is in my heart and mind.

The call of God in that short space of time and the unclear vision of the future to some of us.
The separation of many of us and the intense struggles that so many of God's young people are facing today - pasts created by their own mistakes and influenced by outside forces not of their doing, undergoing the after-effects of so many of these.
The young Christians of today are facing more problems than I've ever heard of any young Christian generation undergoing.

We are not a united body - many of our worst battles are fought and faced alone with long-distance prayer.

I don't believe in end-time revival but I DO believe that God is doing a work amongst the young people of this generation and that is why there are more vicious Spiritual battles than we've seen in a long while. Satan is trying to divide and pull us away, and we are pleading to become more like Christ. Tell me THAT won't induce a battle!

So many of us fall too. So many of us have sins that are the Achilles heel of our lives. We keep falling. Despairing. Repenting. Staggering up and carrying on. We're scarred. Unsure. Faltering. But one thing is sure. Almighty God has got hold of us. And a righteous man - righteous through the blood of Christ alone - falls seven times and rises again.

My personal belief is that all of this is to prepare us for the great persecution which is about to fall on the church. Call me a doomsayer - go and read the annals of the church from the past. A time of prosperity where so many are drawn to nominal Christianity and it flourishes for a while and dies when the hard times come - when the church has undergone this, it is time for a weeding process. Look at our governments; look at our laws. Look at our nations and tell the Hand of Judgement will not fall. So many are splitting doctrines - are picking holes in doctrines - are falling from the faith. God is going to do one massive purge to cleanse the church of those masquerading under His Name and teaching Jezebel's doctrine.


Serious stuff.


I wanted to say basically that I've been going through a rough time for the last two months. It's been nothing I could talk about - or can talk about - to most of you.
Suffice to say, as mentioned previously, it was to do with a relationship that I did NOT feel called by God towards and that I felt pressured into. God delivered me through a miracle, even through my Achilles heel. I only feel pity for the guy involved and beg your prayer for him.

This -and the after effects - have been the cause of a lot of things going wrong - including my intense depression spells and depressive tweets, the lack of blog posts, my even worse than usual email communication, failing to respond to chats and delays on responding to FB messages and Skype chats.

Well, the Skype chats I generally have a problem with as I'm usually running three chatting agents and forget it's there. :P

Seriously, guys, it hasn't been because I don't want to talk to you. I love your company and nothing Joys my heart more than the prayer requests (with my new notepad, it's easier to remember! :D Yay!).
When I get emotionally stressed, I shut down emotionally to cope and really talk to a very select few.

I picked up a chat the other day where a dear girl was worried because I hadn't responded to her last four messages (I hadn't seen two). And that's the main reason for this speedy little blog post. Please, feel free to start chatting again. I'm sorry if I can't bare my heart and I do beg your prayers because I know Satan is really trying to knock me out of the field and in this area, which is definitely one of my weakest, he's succeeding. And currently, it's constant.

Thanks so much and I'm sorry for all I've put you through.
Please bear with me.

Love in Christ,
Your sister (perhaps mother :P)

Mademoiselle Siân

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Best Time of My Life ~ Now

You know those points in life where things just hit you?

It came to me as I was washing up in the kitchen, snuggled in my fluffy grey dressing gown, the electric light off and the warm glow of the sunset fading in through the window, Michael Card's Celtic music playing in the background.

I'm 21. And finally life seems to be coming, in a way. So many plans and hopes and dreams buzzing through my head, so much that is likely to and so easily can be smashed.

"I'm fine on my own," I said aloud, laughed, looked up and sighed. These moments where I'm the only one in the house and can talk out loud on everything with God - cause He already knows it - and know the intimate closeness of Him in my spirit.

"No, I'm not. But I'm okay with that. You're here, and You'll be with me until the time is right."

Marriages are sprouting up all around me as my friends begin to pair off, and the middle-aged-21 crisis struck me. Not so much because I too want a husband, home and children of my own, but also because I was losing my friends.

God nicely chided me with that recently as I develop two warm friendships with my best girl friend at work, Mrs Jess Phelps, and my newly adopted one-month-older sister, Mrs Perry Kirkpatrick. :)

Due to my past, I also have a need to be close to someone. But that's okay. I'm going to try and stop freaking out about needing someone. Cause God knows that. I need to trust Him with it and let go. And rejoice in the now.

Someone recently wanted me to consider entering a relationship headed towards marriage with them (not Mr. C.). I honestly considered it. But amongst all the other things that made me know in my spirit that it was not where God wanted me, is the growing sense of - it's not right yet.

I wandered to the window and peered out, up at the sky. I love the blueness. Somehow it seems God is so close when the sky is blue. It makes me happy. :) And I love the sunset, the wistful potency of it, forgotten promises, shadows of dreams to be.

All my longing...

My dreams that as yet cannot be and may never be...

My love of singing...

The ache of passion and longing when I play music...

My love of languages...

My desire to help those many young people hurt and suffering with decisions so like mine...

My love of politics...and the military...

My love for a man who does not return it...

My desperate longing to comfort, protect and love my mother the way she needs and my constant failure to do so...

The failure that I feel I am so often, especially in relation to my siblings and friends...

The pain of the past and the hope of the present...

And that weird, wistful, drawing out of my being in longing towards something I do not know...

It's okay.

I had to smile as I realised my freedom to switch the music up, to drop the washing up and scamper upstairs like an irresponsible teen to write this down to share.

These are truly the best days of my life. Freedom to globe-trot and dance and sing loudly if I want.

And if the days come for me to marry and have my own children, those will be the best days of my life.

And if they don't, and I fill my life with helping others and serving God, those will be the best days of my life.

Because it's the best days of your life when you're on the path God's marked out for you. Whether you feel that way or not.

I was a child for longer than most and perhaps that is why I have had to go through more painful growing than most. I'm learning and growing and smiling and reaching towards Him and the crippling blows somehow never cripple because with all of the injuries and all of the scars of my heart, I can smile because He's still here. He's carried me through.

Talking of smiling, here's something really sweet my colleague Nathaniel said to me the other day: "Even if I come into work on a bad day and I'm feeling down, you never fail to make me smile."

*delighted face* That's not meant to be big-headed, it was just pure joy to me to see God still loving and shining out of my life even when I feel like I'm being the worst Christian on earth.

I want, and in a sense, need to be married, though many would disagree with the reasoning behind that.

But I'm not ready yet.

I was thinking that God was giving it to girls who were spiritually mature and closer to Him than me. Which as you can imagine was leaving me pretty confused. But it's not that they're closer to God than I am. Though that is probably true. :)
It's just that that's where He wants them right now. And it's not where He wants me.

The banana's not ripe yet. *smiles at Hanathon*

He's given me love! Incredible gift that that is. Some girls don't even have that. I am one incredibly blessed girl. Just to love, even without it being returned. To be blessed to love one of the most incredible guys I have ever known. In a way, probably the most incredible guy I've ever known.

Okay, enough use of incredible. :D (He is though. :P)

Even running upstairs and flipping the laptop on. *laughs* I was saying to Lapina, "Come on, girl. I need to write, now!"
No, I didn't. I'm just impatient.

Most authors will tell you that a good story needs time to mature. You have a story idea, you want to start on it straight away and then often it fizzles out once the initial story spark is gone.
If you sit back, and you let it grow and think about it and develop it and chew it over, it grows into something big and wonderful. That comes with curbing the impatience and learning to wait.

I'm one of THE most impatient women on God's earth. These two years of waiting, if nothing else, have taught me that. When I want, I want NOW. And I'm pretty sure that God's not gonna leave it with two years of waiting. There's more to come and my poem is being written and my story plot developed and He's choosing the threads for weaving and waiting for the banana to ripen.

*smiles quietly*

Love, patience, trust, peace. And the hardest - joy in the waiting and giving the fear and pain and constant worry to God. Let go. Let God. Love and pursue God. He gives you the longing. Give it back and He will bless it. Even if only through teaching another aspect of Himself. He will woo your heart and make you fall in love with Him, like every good man does.

~Mademoiselle Siân