Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Friday, May 31, 2013

The Burden of a Timelord?

Do you know the feeling of carrying the weight of knowledge that every single person you try to help is being let down by you to a small degree because of the amount of people you try to help while living? I pray you don't. But you might.

Do you know the feeling of putting your arm around someone and snuggling them close in their anger and pain and tears, and your heart wanting to explode with the message of God's love and hope, and you're powerless to express it? I pray you don't. Maybe you do.

Do you know the feeling of sitting next to your best friend and hearing them say they just want to be happy, and you know WHY they're lacking it, but you're painfully unable to open their eyes to their need of Christ?

Do you ever stand and absorb the pain of those nearest to you, using your mind to understand their struggles, why they are where they are and realise you are standing knowing, but unable to do?
Do you know what it's like to feel them lash out at you in their pain and quiver in your own skin, feeling and seeing everything you aren't in their eyes? I pray you don't. You probably do.

Do you know what it's like to be in a group of people who champion truth and right, but condemn you for not being conservative enough or not lax enough?
Do you know what it's like to have been popular and then to be frozen out when you're struggling to come back from a three year nightmare?
Do you know what it's like to feel the icy sting of rejection and dislike for no known reason? I pray you don't. You more than likely do.

Does your heart tear up inside when the person you love dearest walks away from you yet again, after you've taken them back into your heart even though you've promised never to let them that close again because you know what it will do to you? Have you spilled tears into your pillow at night until you sleep in sheer despair or randomly started sobbing at work or in the midst of a laugh because of the long throbbing pain that masks most of the time then suddenly rises to choke you? I pray you haven't. Perhaps you have.

Do you know the agony of searing memories surfacing, those that you fight down daily to live and laugh and cheer others on, the torture of sin that people tell you to "forget because Jesus has"? The desperation as you suddenly look up at someone, choking back the sobs and the pain in your eyes before the questions and judgement come? I pray you haven't. Most probably you have.

Do you know the feeling of going to bed, everything you wanted to do not done, and the few pitiful things you have done never being enough? The desperate dividing of time between family and supporting people and the crushing weight of never fully doing either? I pray you haven't. Many of you have.

Do you know the weariness of watching months go by while you count down the hours every day, just one day more, one more day of trying to do everything you didn't, trying to help people you can't, waiting waiting waiting for something you don't know? I pray you don't. Perhaps you do.

Do you know the warm tears for lost friends that loved you and you loved so dearly once, friends that you talk to now and they don't trust you or think you close enough to talk to? I can think of six right now. Six I abandoned, or didn't stay close enough to. I pray you don't. You may.

Do you know the feeling of being inferior to so many people who others turn to readily, and suddenly you feel small and useless? I pray you don't; that your eyes are fixed more on Christ than mine.

Do you know the feeling of deep sadness as you type your heart out and realise that somehow, words only capture a mirror or a photograph and never the depth of the reality? I pray you don't. You writers probably do.

Do you know how it feels to know that people will see this and won't read it because you posted it, because you're the "popular one" and everyone likes you and really, you aren't that popular because people don't like that. Or the feeling that people will tell you you shouldn't be so open. Or the feeling that people will sneer at this and say that God obviously doesn't meet all your needs, or that you don't really know what it's like to feel all this? That someone will lower the way you feel compared to theirs? I pray you don't. Perhaps you do. Remember you are valid, and pray for them.

Do you know the feeling of fighting a losing battle, that every day you try to love out and it's rejected because they don't think it's real? I pray you don't. Perhaps you do. And maybe it's good if you do. For you see some of the pain of God.

There are times I am glad I'm an empath. And there are times when the crushing weight is killing. To go to bed with all of this constantly there.

It may be the burden of a Timelord.
It's my burden.
It may be yours.
And God can feel every pulsating painbeat of it.

Do you know the feeling of looking at yourself in God's Word and feeling surrounded by His peace and presence? I pray you do. I've been there and He loves you so, so much.
He died to prove that. And what's more, He conquered death and lives forever to give you eternal life and freedom from this.
That's real love.

Yes, I'm insecure. A girl who's been so many places she shouldn't and with so many scars.

Do you know the feeling of accepting exactly who you are, with all the dirty rottenness and all the missing pieces, calmly? I pray you will one day. God may not take away the empty places, but He uses them.
When we accept our humanity and our sin and try to live for Him through our weakness, then He shines out. Don't fight for perfection. just stop. And look at Him. Let Him do the cleaning up. Our cleaning up is pretty useless.
Somehow, He'll use us.
I've come to accept that. It's the only way I can reconcile myself to life; knowing that He's got it all - everything I can't see.

'And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.' 2 Corinthians 12:9
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39

In Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân