Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Stone Cold Anger

I'm angry. Stone cold angry.
My temper is one of the worst things I own. You know the phrase see red? Well, I literally see it.
Another well known one is don't mess with a red head. There's a reason for that.

It's caused me to flare out in tempestuous ferocity in defense of those I love and end at least one friendship terribly; one lifelong regret and a source of no ending trouble for me since.

Last night I got confirmation of something I had suspected for a long while from the freezing out I'd received from several people I genuinely liked.
My respect for them is now below zero.

What it was is not important. Why I will deal with, because as little as I expect them to read this, I want it out there in case they do.

And my anger is cold. Which is half a good thing and half a bad...good because it means I'm not flapping angrily. Bad because it's a cold fury and will therefore be the cynical, sarcastic side of me.

The main two complaints, as I understand them, are that I think I'm so wise and that I'm everybody's saviour, and that I cause problems when I try to help people.

Response to one: I hear it constantly. And I'd just like to say something. I have often professed that I am arrogant. Does that surprise you? Probably. You know why? Cause I only admit my faults to people I trust. And obviously, you aren't one of them. Sometimes I'll admit it to strangers. But it's usually only perfect strangers or people I trust unreservedly, and those are markedly few.

Perhaps I didn't trust you, but I did respect you. Throughout several reports that have filtered back to me of your backbiting in the past. Sometimes I tried to put it right, sometimes I just left it, thinking God would defend me. I still think He will, eventually, even if it's only on Judgement Day; possibly is even now.

But that's not enough to stop me posting this. Why? Because I want you to know something. I no longer respect you. And do you know what it means to drag that from me? A lot. Because I try - blamed as I've been for it and as much as I've been warned, from home to my boss at work to be more wary - to see the best in people. Even when there's not a lot of good to see. I try to see something...something worthy of respect.

But you know, it means nothing to me when your life is all respectable and your actions are not. Your position in life or in relation with those we mutually associate with means nothing to me. I find that your backbiting behind the scenes to people who barely or don't know me and discussions about me behind my back utterly and completely contemptible.

Oh...and don't forget. I haven't forgot some of you who backbit to me about the very people you're cosy with now. I haven't forgotten how you came back to me only when you had a problem with them. I never said it, because I was trying to see the good that IS there in you. But your behaviour disgusts me.

Probably my lack of respect means nothing to you. Oh good. Then it doesn't bother either of us.

Response to two will kind of end part one and absorb two: I do not think I'm everyone's saviour. WOW. I've just managed to shock you again, hopefully. (Aren't I arrogant? ;) )
I think that there are one hell of a lot of hurting people out there. I think that there are very few people trying to help them. And do you know what? I'm one of them. One of the hurting. And the reason I try to help them is because I know hope. Through Christ. And I know where they've been, to some degree. If I don't know exactly where they've been, I try to listen - and there are many people who would willingly step forward and testify to that. I don't care to call them.
And instead of standing on the side backbiting me for trying to help, you could be trying to support and pray for me.
The reason I hurt other people is because I'm hurting and I don't trust. I really. Massively. Have problems with trust. Even with trusting God. I do not trust men. And I don't trust a lot more people now, thanks to you guys.
So sometimes, I have a bad day, and it comes out in what I do and say.

There are two cases where I've damaged people deliberately, and both have seared my memory. I've apologised to both. Apparently one apology was not accepted, as post-apology actions have proved. (And just for your attention, greeting me and holding a four sentence conversation does not prove you've forgiven me. Got it? Not backbiting me would be the way to do that.)

I do not excuse myself from hurting these people. It is a source of huge regret to me.
I do not apologise for hurting people in an attempt to heal them. Sometimes wounds need to bleed to scab.
I do apologise to those I have hurt unintentionally when trying to help. Sometimes I want to help and I don't know how, and the awkwardness makes it hard. Especially when I'm afraid - yes, afraid - of how you'll take it.

One of you complained that I only care about people when they're injured. That I pull away when I can't help any more.
I can't heal you. I'm struggling to heal myself.
All I can do, all I want to do, all I try to do - is be there when you cry, hold you, listen to you, pray for you, love you, point you over and over to Christ, tell you what He's done. Even this blog was a purpose for that - to encourage people and point them to Christ as they watch His moving in my life. Which apparently has been translated into "Sian thinks she knows everything." I just wanted to be there. Always. When you need someone to listen. Most people picked up the balance - that I have a life outside of this, that I have a job and a family and already put way too much time into the internet (something else which you condemn me for, I'm sure) - and chat to me when they need to talk, accept they can't when I can't, post messages for me to respond to when I can. I'm sorry some of you can't accept that. It's pretty hard internationally when you don't want to use Twitter's DMing system and I can't be there for phone calls and chats when you need.
But I do want to be there, as much as I can, because that's what I needed someone to be for me.

You know my best friends? Wonder how they got there? They were always there, pointing out things lovingly when reproof was needed but without shoving me under a steamroller or knifing me in the back. And I love them so much and wonder why they stick by me and I can't repay them.

People like Brendan Hanley and Kyle Johnston - managing college, jobs and hectic lives volunteering, helping other people - they are there, and they care, If I shoot them a grief torn message or a desperate plea for a hug or for prayer they respond as quickly as they can.
People like Jay - reaching out from prison in spite of the difficulties.
People like Mama Lauser, who has been a second mother to me in love, affection and in Christ - she has eight children and finds time to message me every other day, just to tell me she loves me and to keep my eyes on Christ.
People like Hana - brother in heart, sending me Scriptures or encouraging notes or loving rebukes.
People like Kristin - her life so packed out with preparing for missions, massive school and college prep, but she sends an email every time she can.
Rachel - married and holding down a job.
Yani - further time gap than most of my best friends.

These are just some of my best friends, but if you want to know what makes them my best friends, it's this. Unconditional love. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Lives. It.
They are the reasons God put in my life to keep me going. The reasons I am alive.

And that is what I want to try and do. What I want to try and emulate. They're humble. They probably are squirming while reading this and wondering what I see in them. Heh.
And they care.

Note 1: I know people who I have actually damaged. Like, spiritually and emotionally. And you know something? They still talk to me. Still trust me. Still love me. Have actually gone through it with me. Pulled away for a while. I apologised. Worked through it with me. And they still love me. Not your pathetic little kind of charity Christian love. Oh we love her but let's avoid her because she's dangerous.
They've stayed. And they haven't backbitten me.
And they have more right to than any of you. I've hurt them in ways you probably haven't even imagined.
Thank you, Kiehl Gatley. Thank you for being you, and so Godly and humble that when you heard me putting this in, you said, "But that was just a misunderstanding."

Did any of you come to me like that? Or did you start going around and spreading the poison without thinking twice?

James 3:5 - So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!

Yes. A lot of this post can be directed at me. But have you even tried?
The little and pathetic reaching out I've tried to do - I've known most of you have problems with me for several months even before the confirmation, because you spurned it, and I watched you do it. Maybe you thought I wouldn't notice, but I did.

I'm hard on myself. More than you know. Possibly why I'm defensive a lot, unless you're someone I trust - which is DEFINITELY no one this is addressed to. If I trust you, I'm more likely to consider your opinion or what you say - unless you're my Mom or the guy I love. And then any negative word cuts really deep.

Therefore, little of what's come out hurts me externally. You want to know why I sobbed myself to sleep last night and was closer to doing something stupid than I've been for weeks? Not because of what you've said. Though words sting enough.
Because of the way you said it.
You sniped at people's trust.
You found others who had doubts and said, yes, we know what she's like and you're best to steer clear of her.
You never came to me and talked to me.
You believed the people you wanted to believe.
And those of you that may have previously said something, decided that since I didn't seem to listen to you - as previously stated, I don't unless you're my Mom, the guy I love or someone I trust - you'd go sniping me behind my back.

Even now, my twisted little head says not to post this.
Because 1) I know how I would feel if this post were levelled at me.
2) Because it is likely to hurt the people who are actually tender-hearted and blame themselves for things.
3) Because the people it's aimed at are likely to find something to hide behind and throw a rock back at my head. Not to my face. Obviously.

How about dropping your rocks? Christ said for him who is without sin to cast the first stone.

But that would probably be too hard.

So therefore, I'm going to close with this little reminder.

There's a saying, "forgive and forget."
I will and have and can forgive you, once my anger is over and I've repented for it. (It keeps coming and going. Most of the time I'm telling myself that you're all right and I'm worthless - which is, I'm sure, the intended effect.)

Forgiveness for me is simple. I don't hate you. I hold no grudge against you. I am not plotting revenge. I've said all I want to say now.
And now I will forget you.
But for the pinpricks that you put in my life from time to time - and I know they will come - and the memories will hurt - I do not trust you, I do not respect you and I have nothing to say to you.

To finish with a nice little quote from Ever After: "I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment, and never think of you again."

Unfortunately not quite accurate, but it will do.

~Siân Jones~

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Dragged In Kicking and Screaming

Oh yeah. I hate this.

This...thing. This trust thing.

I tried to trust. I tried to make myself trust. Through a year, I endeavored to force myself to learn trust. I kept giving my love back to God. And it hurt. And I cried. And etc.

There are times God teaches you something. And there are times when God prepares to teach you something.

Last year, He was preparing me to learn to trust, but I wasn't ready.

This year, I started pursuing surrender. I wanted to know what it really meant to surrender your love to God, because I was at my wits end.


I kept finding ways out. Spending days thinking through it, thinking I'd found another resting spot, another course forward.

Then there came a time where I was at my wits end. Totally. Nearly a month ago, now, surprisingly. I was...numb. Dead. In tears a lot. Completely. Dried. Up.

I was advised a course of action over a three month period, and I prayed - and took it. I'm not going into too much detail at this point in time, though I will go into more when I write it for my autobiography. Now...isn't the time to talk about it in depth.

But I did promise to write...and I know my struggles and walk have been a blessing to a couple of you.

I'm reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot currently, and I honestly wish I could share every single word with you. They are rich with fulness and help and hope and painful refocus.

Anyway, I'll endow this post with a few quotes - the first being the reason I'm not sharing any more of my story right now. :P

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts...

(God is) A roof over our heads. A hedge. A windbreak. A warm coat. Shelter from the fear of loss of this precious thing called love, from the fear of a life of loneliness without the one person I believed I could ever love. Shelter from attack - from onslaughts of doubt that God would take care of everything if I would simply trust Him - what if He didn't?
Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all. I was dying to talk to Jim and about Jim. But the things that we feel most deeply, we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God." (Passion and Purity, Chapter 12: Holding Pattern)

It's not been easy, so far, but God is...teaching me a remarkable path of obedience. A path of trust that I'd never thought possible.

A path of surrender.

See, I'd been trying to follow God. And it was right, but I was kinda going the wrong way. I'd started to focus on love, and not just God as He is, with all of His aspects.

Now is a time that this is being laid on the altar, where I am still called to wait and love but to sacrifice. Every time I think about him, to refocus that into prayer. It's very hard to explain and I'll leave it at that for now.

Because this post is about trust.

As I was picking the blackberries the other week, I realised how impossibly hard and easy trust is - as love is. Every time I start to think about the situation and I think what if, or, this is likely to happen, or, of course this won't happen, or, what if God has told me to do something for no reason...and I start to panic. And worry. I'm a BIG worrier. :D

And God says, give it back to me. Deflect that worry into a prayer. Let. Go. And it's so hard to let go.'s so easy. Who IS God, next to that worry? Does He hold me and what He's called me to, or not? DO I TRUST HIM, or do I think that this problem is BIGGER than God?? And what kind of blasphemy is that?

What if...some beautiful Godly woman walks into his life? *panic mode as I think of about thirty that he knows* ...oh. Hang on. God, I'm panicking about this. He's Yours, not mine. I'm Yours. And I'm just doing what I believe You've called me to. So. That's all there is to it. What happens to him is in Your plan. What happens to me is in Your plan. End of.

It sounds so darn simple. It IS so darn simple. We just like to make a big thing of it.

Come to think of's the trust of a child. :)

Just to close with a few final sections from Passion and Purity.

"'What has been like water from the well of Bethlehem to you recently? Love, friendship, spiritual blessing? Then at the peril of your soul you take it to satisfy yourself. If you do, you cannot pour it out before the Lord. How am I to pour out spiritual gifts, or natural friendship, or love? How can I give them to the Lord? In one way only - in the determination of the mind, and that takes about two seconds. If I hold spiritual blessings or friendship for myself, they will corrupt me, no matter how beautiful they are. I have to pour them out before the Lord, give them to Him in my mind, though it looks as if I am wasting them, even as David poured the water out on the sand, to be instantly sucked up.' Oswald Chambers

...God gives us material for sacrifice. Sometimes the sacrifice makes little sense to others, but when offered to Him it is always accepted. What was the 'point' in God's asking Abraham for the sacrifice of his beloved son, Isaac? The story has often been attacked as 'pagan' and has been grossly misunderstood. Our offerings to Him may very likely be seen as senseless or even fanatical, but He receives them. Jesus received the precious ointment from the worshipping woman, although those present thought it a foolish waste.
...I have tried to explain it sometimes to people who are lonely and longing for love. 'Give it to Jesus,' I say. The loneliness itself is material for sacrifice. The very longings themselves can be offered to Him Who understands perfectly. The transformation into something He can use for the good of others takes place only when the offering is put into His Hands.
What will He do with these offerings? Never mind. He knows what to do." - Passion and Purity, Chapter 13: Material for Sacrifice.

"When the will of God crosses the will of man," said Addison Leitch, "somebody has to die."

...It is not that everything that has anything to do with ourselves is in itself wicked and deserving of death. It did not mean that when Jesus said, "Not My will..." There could not have been even the smallest part of His will that was wicked. It was a choice to lay down everything - the good He had done and the good He might do if He was permitted to live - for the love of God. The same choice is offered to us...

There is a big however. It is this: We are not meant to die merely in order to be dead. God could not want that for the creatures to whom He has given the breath of life. We die in order to live.

A seed falls into the dark earth and dies. Out of its death comes multiplied life. As St. Francis prayed, "It is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."
It takes faith to believe this, as it takes faith for a farmer to plant a seed. It takes faith to live by it, faith to act on it, faith to keep looking at the joyful end of it all. A failure of faith here leads certainly to resentment and then to depression. The destruction will go on and on." - Passion and Purity, Chapter 15: Little Deaths.

Faith, trust and surrender.
How intrinsically tied up together.

I'm also just going to share the message from the Sunday before last. It brought me to tears - a part of Scripture I'd never noticed. Here.

John 21:1-14
Pastor Kevin C.

The resurrection is all that is pivotal to our religion.
That is why we can say He is coming again to take us home.
Everything that Jesus did from birth to death was deliberate – a divine and holy plan. The times that Jesus showed Himself to the disciples had a purpose.

First – the men on the sea.
Matthew 28:10-16 – Then Jesus said to them, Do not be afraid, go and take word to My brethren to leave for Galilee and there they will see me.
Jesus told them to go to Galilee and to a specific mountain to wait for Him.
In John 21, the disciples are in Galilee but are not on a mountain; they're on a boat. They'd gone back to their old profession – fishing.
The disciples were on their own without Jesus for the first time in 3.5 years.

They were worrying about provision and questioning where He was. They weren't waiting for God to work.
One dissenting voice leads others away.
Peter said he was going fishing – and they went with him.
They had no patience to wait.
Jesus had made an appointment with them, but they went back to their old ways because He wasn't there, and went back to what they knew.
They weren't patient.
Patience is a Godly virtue – look at how patient God is with us.
Jesus was patient with these men – even after three years, they didn't get what He was, and was trying to say.
They were impatient and wanted to get back to trying to provide for themselves. They had given up on the Lord's provision – given up on the Lord's plan.

V3 -
That night they caught nothing. They had the skills and knew where the fish were. They didn't catch anything because God was in control of the situation. God is in control of every situation.
When things are out of control, we start making plans, but the Lord is in control of every situation in our lives.
God was moving the fish. He was showing the disciples something. They were struggling and toiling but caught nothing.
You cannot improve your situation no matter how bad things are. You can struggle and fight and put all the self effort in that you like, but ultimately, you have to go to God.
If God tells us to go to a mountain – we wait in the mountain.
We say God's not moving or God hasn't turned up yet – but if God tells you do something, do it, and wait on God.

God tells them to go to the mountain, and they go to the sea.
When Jesus showed up, and they weren't there, He had to go down to their level. How often does that happen in our lives – that God has to come down to us and show us something, instead of us going to Him?

V4 -
Jesus stood on the shore, and the disciples didn't know it was Him. Why? Perhaps because they were caught up in their self effort. When you focus on what you're trying to do to get out of your situation, it turns your eyes from Christ and He becomes blurry.
How does Jesus appear to us this morning?
Is He blurry? Are our eyes off Him or on Him? Is He at a distance?
Are we struggling in our own self effort, getting further and further away from Christ?
Are we out of fellowship with Him?
You have to look to the Lamb – our anchor – Christ.
When we struggle in our self effort, we drift.
When you try to do things yourself, you drift from Christ.
You get caught up in whatever it is – life struggles, career, marriage, you turn your focus from Christ and onto the thing, and when you look up, He's further away than you think He would be.

If you're taking your focus off Him, you start to drift.

You have to get back to the shore – to Christ.

Jesus stands at the shore and asks them in rhetorical fashion if they have any meat, knowing the answer.

There's coming a day when we'll have to stand before Christ and He'll ask us the same question – do we have any meat – any spiritual fruit – for Him?

Telling them to throw to the right side of the boat was against the tradition of net throwing.

He was telling professional fishermen who had done it all their lives that they were doing it wrong.
The fishermen were tired, not happy, etc.

Perhaps Peter was trying to show the stranger something when he actually did it. But it came back full of fish.

John said to Peter, It is the Lord.

John remembers something about this before – the disciples had come full circle, from Galilee and now they're back again.

Luke 5:1-11

There was a quality about Peter which was admirable – he wanted to be wherever the Lord was, and he took the most direct route to get there.

No matter what the situation of the circumstance, God is sovereign.

V9 -
Eating a meal was a time of sharing, a time of reconciliation, like when the father received the prodigal son and he threw him a large banquet.
Why was it a supper that the Lord used for His last meal? Because it signifies forgiveness, fellowship and reconciliation and restoration.
We always focus on the wine and the bread for the body and blood, but there's the table. The Lord's Table. When you come to that, you're coming into fellowship with God.
You're remembering the things that were done so you could be reconciled with God.

Jesus – the King of Glory – served the men.

Christ came down, met them, brought them meat, called them in and refreshed them.

Are you in a spiritual sea this morning, struggling with your own self effort?

Here's the message – verse 12. Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.”

Christ is saying to you if you're struggling, "Come and dine. I'll provide. Stop struggling. Come into My presence and be reconciled. Be still."

The disciples learned the simple truth that they could not be without Jesus.

When our lives take a different turn from what we had expected, we tend to fall back into the things we used to know. But when the waves of our lives are coming in, we need to simply look to Jesus.

There's no rebuke for not being where they should be, just an invite to come and rest.

Lessons – we need to be careful of grabbing hold on the things that we used to rely on.
We cannot find nourishment, guidance, provision, anywhere other than Christ.

Secondly, self effort brings us out of fellowship with God. The more we try of ourselves, the further we get from Him.

Thirdly – there's an offer from Christ this morning, no matter your situation, what you've done or where you've been. “Come and dine with Me.”
If you're weary, come with Me. Come back into My presence.

The disciples toiled all night and caught nothing. Why? Because their will was not in line with the Lord's will.
You can do many things for God's kingdom, in His name, but if it's not God's will or His leading of you, it will not bear fruit.
If you want to bear fruit or make a difference for Christ, then get your will in line with His will.

It's striking that the Lord's Prayer is not our will, but God's. That's a hard prayer to pray.

You can't give your will away. You have to get your will in line with God's will. You have to exercise it – a living sacrifice.
When God says go, go. When He says wait, wait.

God can't use you unless you go to where He wants you to be. If they had gone to the mountain and waited, God wouldn't have had to show them this. No matter if God is late by our standards, we should wait there. God's said it; that settles it. “God's taking a long time” - it's His time. He breathed it into existence. Wait.

Wait on God. He'll do it. All we have to do is surrender to His will in our lives and He does the rest.

“Come and dine.”

That's the message of the Saviour. Cease struggling in your own efforts, come in from the sea and trust in Me.

Let's go dine with Jesus.
Love in Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân

Sunday, September 01, 2013

The Boys and the Berries

Blackberry picking is one of my favourite times of year.

A nature reserve, with tangles of thorns and bushes, longish grass, steep paths and a river, is where we have gone from times immemorial to pick the fruit - originally for jam, then for my brother's Ketogenic milkshakes, and also (especially recently) for apple-and-blackberry crumble, or pie, or...

Clear blue sky and bright green grass meet, the horizon line fringed with the dark shades of hedges and trees.
The hot sun beats down on us, clad in long sleeves and long trousers, protecting the bare skin from the thorns as we reach deep, deep into the heart of the tangles, trying to pull the nettled leaves with their surprising thorns apart to look for fruit underneath.

It's quiet, apart from the birds singing, the occasional distant bark of a dog, or the rustle of the two bags, which doubled and tied into one because of the thick dark juice that ends up dripping from them as the pressure of the mass of berries crushes the smaller and weaker ones, and those at the bottom.

Time in nature, silence, usually induces three things for me...clearer thinking (the only other time THAT happens is in the shower!), praying and thinking.

The praying lead to my other blog post, which I'll release sometime this week - Current of the Current.

The thinking lead to this one. :D

Coming from a family of four who have been berry picking for X amount of years, I've noticed two things (in their basic, simplistic form):
1) There are two types of berries (ignore the fact that there's green, red and then black :P)
2) There are two types of pickers.

Berry patches vary from year to year, depending on where the most moisture and the most sunshine has fallen. These factors can make a rather large difference where the best berry patch is from one year to the next.

These berries are usually found at the beginning, when searching for a good patch.

They're good for fillers - taking up space in your empty bag and making it look like you're actually doing something, adding a bit of weight.
However, they're insubstantial. They are comprised of two to several large loose drupelets, break easily and are fairly useless. They get crushed, crumble apart and leak juice easily.

The best berries are these:

They are firm, not hard but solid, and can be pinched off the branch without squirting all over the place. They are great for fruit, for puddings and more as they contain the juice and ofttimes hold the sweeter flavour.

Some berry pickers are anxious to make sure they get berries, and in the fear that there may not be any more berries - that this is the only good spot, poor as they may be - and so they fill up their bags with the first kind of berries, ones that crumble in your hand and leave juice marks everywhere, ones with two or three drupelets that would scarcely make a decent milkshake, much less a pie or crumble.

Other berry pickers work their way around the areas, searching for the one good berry patch. Often the berries are deep in the thicket, under the stingers and the nettled leaves, but they're there - firm, juicy, ripe and big.
The scratches and cuts, the stings and tearings in your flesh are so painful, but you keep going - just to get those good berries. and berries? Just to reassure you, this isn't an equality post about how one gender picks better berries than another. In case you were wondering. :P

This is actually a post for my older single lady friends. :)

You've probably heard before about girls being compared to apples - those who wait for a guy to climb all the way to the top of the tree instead of just taking the apples that hang lower down.
Well, in this one you get some revenge...because I'm going to compare guys to blackberries. :P

Two/three years ago, a distant friend I'd met on Twitter got married. Warning bells sounded, but I figured it was way off to worry about yet.
Since then, friends of friends got married. Then friends got married or engaged. Then close friends started getting into relationships, engaged or married. Now two of my daughters are courting/dating/engaged.


I've been attacked for my rather antagonistic stance on this, but unless you're a close friend and understand me, I'm not going to try and defend that. :P

However, off topic.

Some of you young ladies are out there working patiently, praying and wondering, "...why...not me? Lord, am I going to be single? Why them and not me?"
You're getting older. The years mount. You see the stats saying that young women over the age of 20 something are less than likely to get into a relationship, to get married. And you steadily fight the occasional rise of fear, reminding yourself that God's got it all in control.

Some of these young couples are ready for this stage of their life, it's true. And God is showing them a good berry in the bush while you're still waiting and working to find the right patch.

But...many of the girls today...are afraid. Very afraid that God's not going to do it in time. And when a young man shows up and he seems to match up to a lot of their (good) standards (cause there are bad standards, but I'm not going into that here), it doesn't really matter if he doesn't match all of them.
I mean, after all, he's kind. Respectful. Treats you like you're special. It doesn't matter if he's weak in seeking God through prayer and His Word, and isn't good at leading a family or encouraging you to the Lord.
After all, he goes to church and he's a Christian and he does read the Bible when he's got time.

So they pick a berry with a few drupelets. And wonder why it squishes, or why it's never very filling or can't be used as it's meant to.

And're looking at them, and you know it's not...the right...kind of guy...but's a guy, and they're in a relationship, and they're happy...(sorta).

And you wait and you're tired and you fight down the fear again. And then, one day, God shows you the berry patch. The one you didn't think was there...when you thought all the berries had failed this year.
And there's the perfect berry - made just the way it needed to be. Maybe it's not where you expected it to be. Maybe it's not what you wanted it to be. Maybe it's not what you thought it would be. But it's exactly what it needed to be, the way God planned it.

So don't give up. Don't drop a few of your standards in fear of not landing a guy. The more standards you drop, the fewer drupelets your berry will have.

It may hurt. The thorns may tear your flesh when you reach for the berry. It may not be easy to pull off the branch.
Really good things never come easily. Being born again is impossibly hard. Godliness is agonising.
But it's worth it. God is worth it. Christ is worth it.
And marriage is also worth it.

Keep your standards up. Keep waiting for the right bush. Keep praying and keep checking the Son. He'll show you the berry bush in His own good time. :)
And even if He never does, you know what? No bush is the best thing possible for you.

Oh, it may not seem like it. Probably, it WON'T seem like it. But being in the centre of His Will is the best place for you to be.
Not two steps to the right or one to the left with a crumbly berry. But right in the centre...and following His path to the best bush.

No two bushes are the same. No two paths are the same. Keep going. His path for you will be unbelievable. Whatever it is.

In Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân