Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Echoes of Pain

Staring blankly at the screen, or out the window, coming back to myself with the realisation that the words are pounding through my head; "He's gone. He lied. Like all the others. And he's never coming back. He's gone. Forever." Biting down on my lip to escape the moan as the tears well up in my eyes again. I grab the mouse and click onto the next comment, head held proudly, not going to let the row of colleagues sitting facing me see my grief.
Too late.
The tears splash down my face, making sharp cracky sounds as they hit the paper I'm working from. Ash, my colleague next to me, laughs a bit uneasily. "You were crying yesterday. Isn't that enough now?" He's half teasing, I know.
I answer with a half smile, "For a broken heart? Na. I'll be crying for many days yet."
"Many days...?" He let his voice trail off.

Yeah, not many people are getting this. "It's just normal boy/girl stuff," they say. "Three years? He wasn't worth it." Yes, he was. He was the best guy I'd ever known and God told me to wait. That was enough. But it rooted it so, so deep.

I realise I'm crumpled on the desk, my arms held tightly around me, realising that no one can hug me knowing what's going on in my head again. "He'll never hug you again..."
Dawn in front of me is saying urgently, "Siân, do you want to take a little walk?"
I shake my head no, and sit up, clicking away on the comments, cleaning their grammar, punctuation and spelling as fastidiously as usual.

I'm working well today. The breakdowns come every two hours or so. Despite the little sleep last night, I'm not at all tired as I usually am. Sometimes, I can sit there and crack a joke with the guys, wondering at the numb deadness inside. Then it hits again. A random check-up on a company that has a base in his city.
"He's gone. Forever."

Control-Alt-Delete. Lock workstation. Toilet, quickly. Before I...
I'm doubled over before I even reach the toilet door. The floor. The hands clamped to my mouth so no one hears. At least, not so much. The sick, tight feeling in the pit of my stomach and I knew I was going to vomit, but I'd eaten nothing. Can't eat. Don't want to. Can't drink. Don't want to. Vomiting nothing...and the taste of cleaning fluid...and oh, God....will it ever stop?
I force a stop. Splash my face with cold water. Glare at my eyes in the mirror. Beg God to stop or dull the pain long enough for me to carry on working. And go back. Stepping firmly on the floor. The military walk that you keep your chin up when your insides are spilling out and no one's there to catch them.

They all care so much. My manager, Steve, sits with me for ten minutes and tells me it will pass, I will heal. Krissy takes me into a room and puts her arms around me and holds me, rubbing my back while I shake, near screams into her shoulder. Telling me about her own life. Stephen, my best mate at work, trying to touch my hand gingerly, but no, no. I need to be alone. Wounded animals don't want people around them. They need to hide. Need to be alone. I'm pushing back...don't want to talk to people. Don't want to hang out anywhere. At least I'm being honest with myself for now.
And soon I'm going to start that...weaving that web...that cave...so my heart can lie hidden and start to mend and people think I'm fine a lot sooner than I will be.

It hurts to breathe. So much. When the loudness of people around me shows up the silence so much. I realise there's this great pain inside and I stop breathing for a few seconds. It eases. Then I have to breathe again. Why do I have to breathe?
My scarf is supposed to keep my neck warm...instead, it's just soaking up my tears. Constant tears. They'll stop. That's what I'm scared of. The getting numb. I daren't look ahead more than the next day. The future is so black. So very, very black.


Today is the third day, considering he told me the morning of the first (5am). So I'm counting full days. I don't remember most of them. I doubt I will remember them in the future. The most painful times in my life are usually extremely blurry months.

The last two days have been the best. In the middle of the shock, the agony and the tears and vomiting and ceaseless breaking down? Yep. Because God at least enabled me to see the preparation He'd made for this.

Like the three-month break, without which I could never, ever have survived him being gone now...gone forever. I can't accept that yet. Some day, I will. I have to.

Like the fact that in the last eight months, I started to actually have ideas about what I wanted to do, and, in preparation in case something like this happened, although I prayed and cried and hoped it would not, I made a secondary back up plan of "career girl" so I wouldn't fall into hopeless despair.

Like the fact that, despite the agony this brings...and God alone knows, for He suffers it too, that it is one of the greatest pains in the universe - and I only have a small sample next to Him...that I am deeply thankful He has answered my prayers of three years. The waiting was literally killing me. I think that's why He chose to give me this. A sudden stab to the heart, as I said four years ago to him, is better than a knife being left, twisting, in the wound.


All that said and done, I have now to face the battles ahead. The despair and doubt I am sure will come. The attacks internally and externally as I try to figure out where God wants me now, and whether He still wants me to wait - on Him. Not to go around looking for another guy, but to continue to love and pray for him as long as He deems fit.
Mr C. won't come back. There aren't miracles that God can't do, but there are miracles God won't do.
I blame myself for it, but that's another story and I'm not willing to share the darker side of this here. Not yet. If ever.

I found this on Blogger yesterday as I started to write this post. It struck me as oddly amusing, because this was randomly sitting at the top of my blog list (which is ordered by date). And...it should technically have been towards the bottom or on the second page.

It is funny to sit here knowing that I am in for the greatest anguish in two weeks for tomorrow - that of seeing the man I love for the last time.
Why I'm torturing myself with the song I first listened to when I flew into - with so much hope, God alone knows.
I always knew this would . Could. Happen. I never dreamed it would. And now is the greatest test of my faith as God threatens to remove the dearest person in my life forever. Do I trust His wisdom this far?


And that is a question I have to ask myself over and over. I have to keep trusting Him. He lead me through the past three years for a reason...and in a way, I'm sorta glad...(NOT happy in the slightest, but peace-joy) that I had to face this. Though I wish, honestly wish, really wish...yeah. I won't say it because of the verbal chastisement many of you would give me that I wouldn't listen to anyway.
But because...if there was ONE THING that could have snapped my relationship with God, it was this. And that fear has been constantly with me over the past three years...because people claimed I idolised him. Though I constantly brought it before God with tears and prayers and received peace that I didn't, it was still nagging - are they right? Are they right?
And they aren't.
God is carrying me even now. And that is the only reason my faith is still in Him and I'm not blaming Him for the last and only stable thing in my life completely going under. Because it's not His fault; His will is perfect and His Hand is sure.
I love him. I pray for him. And I know God's still going to do His Work within him - and with me - because He promised that He Who began a good work within us will bring it to completion.


Walking down the road, tears spilling down my face and choking back sobs. Again. "Daddy..." but that name hurts too much. "Father...please. My heart. It's been broken. Again. Only You don't drop it. Only You don't find it worthless, when it comes down to it. Please hold it. Hold my bleeding heart with Your Hands that bled for me."
The glints of sunlight catch me in the face, piercing, peeking through the clouds. Tears that hang trembling on my lashes are suddenly turned into rainbows. I want to photograph it, catch the image, but I realise they're my rainbows. Only I can see them. The pain turned into beauty.
God never meant or wanted pain to happen. But He always turns it into a thing of beauty.
"Keep going, Siân. There's hope...only in God. But that's still hope."
The seconds of my life tick away as I scribble.

Seconds that bring me closer to Home. No more pain. No more tears. No more broken hearts. And I can curl up in that special place He's keeping right by His foot, and rest forever.

~Siân

Monday, November 25, 2013

Today is the Day

Today is the day I learn what the last three years of fire have forged the girl into.

Today is the day I discover exactly who I define myself to be.

Today is the day I find out exactly where my relationship with God stands.

Today is the day I take the first step in the second life I forged for myself.

Today is the day I make choices and close doors.

Today is the day I take the ring from my finger and see exactly what I do with myself.

Today is the day I learn how to breathe without exploding into tears.

Today is the day I have a new name and a new soul.

Today is the day I learn to live with half a heart.

I am Siân Garner-Jones.
I am 21 years old.
I was born in Walsall and I live in the UK.
I am the daughter of a paedophile and exploited by many other guys.
My heart has been broken twice.
I am The Survivor.
God comes first, now and always. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
I live without regrets.
And no one gets in my way.
And no one dies today. Now or ever.
I am The Fighter.

~Siân

Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Parental Godhead (Part 2)

Some of you readers may remember that last year in October, I posted a blog called, "Smashing the Laws of Pharisaical Parenthood." Today is a follow-up to that.

There is one example I can find in the Bible of parents and children in regards to marriage.

Note: I am not going off the time period that the Bible was set in, where kids were married off by their parents - which is virtually what happens today. And what's going on NOW is a control idea found in the conservative Christian churches, demonstrated in the following article, written by Caleigh Royer.

Relationships, A Series: Part One. If you start reading them, make sure you get to the end of the series before you come back with a response. :)

As many young people as I have witnessed being torn apart by parents for as trivial as an issue as, "We conflict with the father and the marriage should involve both families," when they read this article, they're always, "THIS IS SO FAMILIAR. *tears*"


Check Genesis, where Abraham's servant goes to find Rebekah.
Her parents don't TELL her what to do. They say to her, Will you go with this man? She made that decision.
They didn't stamp their foot down because it was too far, because they would more than likely never see their daughter again, they didn't know the guy for years and they only had his word for it Abraham was alive and that he even had a son.
They asked her if she would go.

Parents are there to lead when we are children and to guide when we are older, but as adults, they _do not_ have the right to tell us what decisions we make. They can give us advice, and pray for us, but what is between us and another person is between us, that person and God at the end of the day.

If two young people are earnestly and truthfully seeking God in relation to whether they should start a relationship together, then God will guide them. Sure, parents, close friends and family should be supporting them with prayer, but those prayers are not the deciding factor.

When a relationship is started, and sometimes even before that, when the bond is formed, hearts will be involved. It's all very well saying that you won't choose to love until you start walking down the aisle, but I'd like to propose love doesn't have an on-off switch. In itself, it is a bond - the bond.
Love can vary in depth and degree, but it is, or should be, always there.

So hearts are very fragile. And are going to get damaged, be bound together - or be smashed.

The Bible describes marriage as a man leaving his father and mother, cleaving to his wife and the two becoming one flesh. A new family is started. A family lead by the man - not by his parents or her parents.
The parents may have influenced who the young people are, but the parents are not those two people.
The act of pursuing a relationship means - or should mean - that a man and a woman are ready to commit to that and start their own family. They take advice off everyone, for sure, but no one decides who or who not they marry. That decision is between God and them. That also means that no one has the right to end the courtship. Apart from those two. Courtship is a time where people learn to grow - together.

If the relationship is started by the parents' allowance, guided by the parents' control and the marriage allowed (by a miracle :P) by the parents, then what's going to happen when suddenly the two young people find themselves together and the parents are, "Well, it's over to you now"? It's hardly failsafe. Unless, of course, the parents start controlling the marriage, which at the best is going to end in friction and misery and at the worst will end in divorce.

Courtship is designed to lead towards marriage. The act of two sinful imperfect beings coming together before God to help each other towards God.
Neither of those two people are perfect - and t'would be a great pity and problem if one of them was. True love is where those imperfections are seen and both young people come together to help each other fight them and grow towards God. The key word being together. If they truly love each other, they will love both the good AND THE BAD. Not in spite of the bad. And will try to help each other grow towards God.

Any problems brought up by the parents should be examined independently by the young people - not just accepted as a reason to end the relationship. As previously said, both of them are sinners. Only one person in the relationship/courtship/marriage is and will be perfect, and that is God.
When hearts are engaged, it's owed to both of them for this to be independently examined.

Attacks are never nice and, coming from the people closest to you, they are the most painful, mind twisting and terrifying. Believe me, I know.

True love isn't an emotion and can never be put away lightly. Sometimes you can almost hate the other person and yet, you are still called to love and ask God for grace to keep loving.
When the storms hit home, it's when real love is put to the test. It's when you make the choice to stand together, fight together and grow stronger together, or when you pull apart, leave two broken hearts and a smashed relationship and scars.
Neither choice is pretty. Neither choice will be pain free and both choices are incredibly hard.

Satan is the author of confusion and who least wants godly marriages working out these days? I'm pretty sure it isn't God.


Be careful. Love God. Choose well. But remember - it is your choice, and yours alone.

In Christ,
Mademoiselle Siân

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Leafy People (including Jared)

A leaf is a pretty small thing. It grows on a tree early in the year, sticky green with newness. It absorbs chlorophyll from the sunlight all year, providing shady dappled cover. In the autumn, some leaves have one blaze of glory before they turn brown, crinkle and drop to the ground. There they lie until they rot, grieved by some who, in the winter, miss their symbolism of summer sunshine and trampled carelessly by most who only curse their slipperiness. It leaves a mark on the tree, though - a leaf scar where it once quivered and danced. No other leaf can grow there.

Leaves have the majority of their moments of glory when they're in unusual situations. When they're squished in a pile of heavy books to preserve their beauty...when they're bedecked with lacy ice in a sudden frost...when cast on the bonfire and suddenly the blaze of light is pouring out of the holes for seconds before it shimmmers into shreds and the light burns brighter...when dancing on the tangled threads of a spider's web bedecked in morning dew droplets.


Humans are like that too. We are born and everyone is excited over us for the first few moments of life. Then we grow up, working steadily, doing all the things that an average person is expected to do. Sometimes in the autumn of life, rich with the nutrients of the tree and our days spent on the branch, we bloom out into a sudden haze of glory. That moment done, we slowly crumple to the ground.

Our moments of glory come in the unusual moments - in the pain of a smashed family, through a time of abuse, from moments of intense, agonising pressure.
The situation isn't beautiful, but the leaf is.
It's not what we would have chosen, it's just where we are.

But we aren't like the leaves in some things.
We don't have to crumble in the burning of the fire, or break under the sharp shards of the ice.
Our Tree is still holding us, whether we're in a natural lifespan or an unnatural one.

We could be all nobodies. We could easily be replaceable to God. But He has chosen to make us each for an individual purpose, if we will let Him. He has chosen to bear the individual leaf scars - the nail scars in His hands.


Amazing love! How can it be
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?


In His Name,
Mademoiselle Siân

Friday, November 15, 2013

My Life is Useless

When you're patrolling the daily pattern...

And no one seems to be bothered about your plans...

Life moves on for everyone else...

You feel forgotten and put on the shelf...

Like everyone's left you behind and judged you into a box of useless...

You think God's finished with you...

When you start to let yourself believe that your life is done and you've served God's purpose...

Has He finished with me now?


God bless,
~Siân

Monday, November 04, 2013

Temptation

So Mandisa is playin' and my fingers are a'clickin' and my mind is a'whirlin' and I canna' sit still more'n a minute. :P

Well. Sort of.

I decided to do NaNoWriMo this month...on top of the whirlwind rush which comes with five weekends left to your mother's wedding...six to Christmas.
On top of moving house, packing one room and unpacking the other (I'm SO thankful I get to do this slowly so I can sort through my possessions! It's just so hard to throw away.)
On top of work.
On top of overtime.
On top of shopping and mince pies and marzipan fruits and putting the decorations up.
On top of starting to sort out social media (though I think I shall leave the main whack of that until after the New Year - when I'm jobhunting. :P )
On top of my mind thinking and thinking and planning my year ahead and actually...seeing a light at the end of the tunnel which doesn't seem to be the train heading straight for us.

NaNo is probably not the best idea I've ever had, and probably not the best time in life I could have had it. However. I really want to write again. I mean, REALLY want to write. And this is more like a trigger being pulled than anything. I don't think I'll hit the word limit. But I developed a story plot in two and a half hours and I have a novel idea. (BAD PUN.)

Running four chats, thinking about my autobiography, about to start typing up the bit of NaNoWriMo I started today, starting the clearing of the debts God graciously provided through the car accident, clearing emails, keeping FB under control, clearing Twitter, thinking about packing my room up this week.

I still have to write up some of my adventures in the USA for you, though some are - and will be - too soul shifting for me to share.
I could probably scrape my heart open if it didn't involve other dear people as well, though, so. Yah.
To be honest, the Lord hasn't finished even now. I was expecting a cessation of heart wrenching when I got home, but it hasn't yet. I think there's some deep stuff He has to sift even yet. Somehow that doesn't surprise me.

So with all this glowing gloriously before me, and my precious notepad jotted with everything I must do in it to the side (ridiculous things, including reminding me to trim my nails and remind Mom about something :P) life sounds so devotedly easy.


But there is a dark lurking monster on my left. Two. One is big and rectangular and perched magically on the wall. The other is long and slim and rectangular and lying flat on the table. It has some pretty coloured buttons on it and IF I press three buttons, a Timelord and his TARDIS will whirl into my life.

And I can't tell you how tempting it is. :P

But.

I've watched Doctor Who before. And this is a quiet spell I don't usually get. So. DELIVER US FROM THE TEMPTATION OF TV AND 'TROLS AND TIMELORDS AND TARDISES.

Amen.

In fun and in Christ,
~Mademoiselle Siân