Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Friday, May 16, 2014

No to Romance - For Me

So this post has been mentally debated for some time.
It would not only make my position clear to both me and those querying my stance on it, but also would leave me open to be debated and attacked. It would also make a guy's plan of wooing easier, but I guess that's now going to have to be where I stand my ground.

Please note: this is nothing that I'm preaching via the Bible. This is just my logical take on it, where I've grown to in the last six months since I lost my best friend and the guy I love.

These are the majority of the reasons I've chosen to stay single. There is another, but that I am keeping to myself. Yes, I'm a woman; I want the typical fairytale stuff of a Godly husband, happy home, kids, homeschooling. Happy endings etc.
However, I'm practical; I've observed my life and my lifestyle, I know my broken heart better than anyone else there can claim to, except God. I've chosen the path I have with care, for a reason.

Also note, I'm being completely blunt here and I absolutely didn't have to choose to lay myself open to any sneers, pity or concern. This is what I have thought through, prayed about and admitted mentally, which is why I've chosen the path I have. I feel certain enough of my decision to enable me to write these down.

These aren't very thorough or detailed - it was hard to get it all written down.
This also isn't out of spite or vengeance or pettiness; if not the first, I'm usually in the middle in congratulating my friends on their relationships/engagements/marriages whatever.


*Trust

I don't. Trust. Guys.

It's been said a hundred times in multiple ways. My dad sexually abused me; my brother physically abused me. I had mega issues before I made three guys my best friends.
J I speak to on and off, because circumstances tore us apart.
B is rarely around, and if he is, we never speak. Not since I lost Mr. C.
Mr. C. stayed for six years. I began loving him four years ago. It finally drove him away six months ago. We never speak but to fight nowadays, and that rarely. He resents me, and I can't go anywhere near him for the pain.

I've been involved in one way or another with fifteen guys (romantically or otherwise) in my short life. (You may now run for cover.)

I've had eight(?) guys in the role of best friend. There is one to this day who is still somewhat close to me who has not left, and although time and work makes it almost impossible to stay in touch, he tries. And he's defended me in the teeth of those who backbit me and tore my American family apart.
Thank you, Keifer.

People disappear. They leave by choice, by circumstance or by time. It's a thing in life. It's just the way they leave after the promises they make that leave the scars.

"Oh, be careful, little lips, what you say,
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray."

It was never that he rejected me, though that hurt like hell. It was that he lied to me.


*Commitment

The idea of committing myself to a long term relationship is terrifying. I've watched my mother marry four times, my brother and sister both marry twice. I have a repulsion to the idea of tying my life down to someone I have absolutely no confidence will stay the course.
Also, the idea of being with another person for the rest of my life is terrifying. I guess that would naturally happen since I love Mr. C and the idea of being with anyone else is horrific, but yah.

I could be in what I call a kiss-and-run very easily.
Short-term relationship, sure, no probs. It's what I've come to expect. It has an end, a place where I can get out and stop and breathe and go back to being myself.

And no, I don't want to "take it slow" or "date off or on". I know, mentally, that a commitment to a relationship is an all-or-nothing decision, heading towards marriage, and that is why I refuse to go the danger road - the short term road. For the sake of what I mentally know to be right, I reject what I would be comfortable with for the harder road - completely alone.


*Leaving

This kinda is explained in the trust and commitment sections. People leave; guys leave. I don't trust anyone to enter a relationship with me with the level of commitment I would have - though I expect them to reject me with a steadfast level of commitment. :P


*Fear

Fear is an overwhelming giant for me. Struggling to trust in God, when faced with something that makes me insecure, I'm left in point-blank terror, cowering or lashing out, trying to feel safe and secure. This, along with insecurity, makes a formidable barrier in any kind of relationship.
Though thankfully, I'm not scared of normal ones (friendships).


*Single life

Perhaps this may seem somewhat selfish, thrown into the balance. However, in considering a relationship with a guy I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for, it will of course arise as a practicality.
My life is in a set order, Monday to Friday. I know what I want to do, can bend time to suit what it must. With other people making demands on my immediate attention, that is of course diminished.
I want to travel - again, boyfriends and relationships leave you with far too many ties to up and travel to another country.
Money, again, becomes even more limited. I have trouble enough remembering my best friends' birthdays and buying cards - forget adding a dude and his entire family to the list, plus travel/visiting money, plus paying for whatever-it-is-that-people-do-on-weird-date-things.


*Time

Time is limited and very precious. As a working woman, I spend/will spend more time in my life with my colleagues than I do with my family. (Not counting sleep hours.) What would be the point in taking from an already short schedule to spend a few brief hours with a dude who you then spend the rest of your life hardly seeing, except for a few short hours at night?
No thanks. I'm not a live-in sex machine, and neither is he.

(This is somewhat of why I would like to be a stay-at-home wife, which unfortunately is totally impractical in the circles I move in.)


*Guys I attract

- Weak

This sounds pretty terrible, and is probably the reason I will get most bashed. But. Most of the guys I've met are weaker than me. And I don't even know how to explain that.

- Need mothering

Guys that need mothering tend to be the ones that come to me - and behave like they need mothering but demand respect. Uh-huh. No way.

- Desperate

The best ones are the ones that have a simple list.
Christian
Pretty
Girl

You ask what kind of Christian - oh, the basics are fine. Pretty? Well, prettier than my ex.

That's sooooooo attractive. I really want to go out with you because all you want is a wife and I'm the nearest option. Duh. I'm not into flattery but that's not even nice. May be practical for you, but there's a tad more to marriage than a post-order wife.


*Mental knowledges and experience of men

What I know of men and what I've experienced of men are two very different things. So believe me when I say I struggle not to say negative things about men. You've probably seen some of my negative, but I could be a lot more feminist than what I am. What I know of men is the Biblical role they are described, and I attempt to respect them as equal human beings with a burden of leadership before God, broken and sinful as me.
But what I've experienced of them is far less than what the standard was supposed to be.


*Gene pool

My gene pool is negative in the best of lights. With red hair and blue eyes, I'm apparently one of the most mutant humans out. :P I have allergies that could kill me in my mid thirties and a skin condition. My brother has a mental health condition; my brother and my sister have epilepsy, my other brother has asthma.
With the decline in generations, the gene pool will only break down further and further.
I believe in tendencies to run in families - on one side, broken trust and divorces; on the other, abuse. It's very hard to break a chain once it's started. Fear breeds lashing out, lashing out breeds emotional abuse, emotional abuse twists mentally and can produce - anything.


*Empath

There's only ever been one person I couldn't completely read and that's because my emotions got in the way. The guy I love. That accounts for more insecurity than before, because whereas I'm normally nearly certain of myself, I never am when my emotions are overpowering. I then can't tell whether it's me misinterpreting them feeling that way, or them actually feeling that way.



I don't believe in falling in love. Well, I believe in attachments and crushing. I chose to love the guy I do. I still choose that. And until, if, God changes that love, I still choose it. As hard as it is.
Pure love.
Because love like that will serve him far better than any other kind could.

If you've seriously read, absorbed every part of it, understood and counted the cost, but choose to love/try to pursue me after this, congratulations for walking into the mouth of the lion. Lol!
At some point along the line, I was given up because, I think, of some of this (we'll ignore the fact that it may have been I wasn't pretty enough, Godly enough or something). These barriers, I doubt me not, are impassable.

~Siân