Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Madness Behind the Method

I've tried to follow God and seek Him and put Him first in my life, even when it seemed against impossible odds.
I have tried to be meek and mild Siân, to the point of getting hurt a lot by avoiding the arguments online. I wanted to help people, even when the rest of the world told me it wasn't my business and I should leave it to older people with more maturity and responsibility.

Two huge betrayals this year - and one last year - left me floundering.

1) The entire incident with Mr C. (Nov 2013)
2) The betrayal of OYAN (Feb/March 2014)
3) The near loss of my job (July 2014)

I don't trust people any more. I can't. I can't even do what I was doing before and trust them to some level. I still talk to people about stuff - at all levels, but when they walk on me, it just doesn't bother me any more. I accept - even expect - everyone who walks into my life and wants to talk about the deep things is going to walk on me. That's just what people do.

Doesn't stop them being beautiful. Oh yes, people are still so beautiful. Just like a diamond with all those facets. I love talking to the people I pass on the street - they are so amazing. So are all of you.
But no one stays in your life. No one.

Recently, I've had two remarks - ignoring all the raw comments on the Scottish vote - that have decided me to leave social media. That includes deleting it off my phone so I don't just come back online.

The first was: "I'm sorry, dear, but your opinions and things usually harm me more than help me, so..i'm afraid not"
The second: "You've bitten my head off more than once in chat when I've tried to talk to you about things and it's spilled into public comments with her now. She won't chat because she's mad."

Apparently people are angry at me and backing off more and more. Those who aren't are too scared to tell me that I'm appearing angry at everyone. And people just aren't talking to me about this stuff - it's left to me to realise and deal with, because those who love me see the reasons for it and give grace.

That's rather unfortunate a view, cause I'm not angry with everyone. Recently, with more guy issues, I've totally despaired of the entire thing with Mr C. I don't see a point in it. I don't regret it - as I promised I wouldn't years ago. But it seems pointless. I seem pointless. I watch the people I adopted as kids and they only come to me when they think I need encouraging. Or else they're rejecting God and I don't know how to handle that. I don't see a point to my life, and I don't see the point to what I've gone through.
Recently, a don't care attitude has come over me, and while it's shielding me from some pain, I'm aware I'm appearing more angry to people. I thought it was just IRL, but apparently not.

Also, people keep poking into my life. I don't know how often I have to say that I talk to the people I want to talk to about issues and deep stuff and pushing/poking/prodding me to talk when I don't want to is going to ostracise you further, but here - it's on a blog post - come back and read it as often as you like.

I think I have a right to be angry about some of the stuff - particularly the abrasive comments on the Scottish referendum, people publicly attacking me and on people forcing me to talk, but it's something I wouldn't have permitted myself previously. My family and best friend think I have a right to be angry, but I still don't know.
I don't know who I am anymore.

My entire belief system has been constantly shot at without let-up. As soon as I post something I care deeply about online - be it politics or religion or abortion - I get yelled down. When I talk about stuff I feel deeply about IRL, either everyone agrees with me or I get talked over - including personal insults. I've always tried to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, mentally, and tell myself I'm wrong. That's lead to an entire life of uncertainty and insecurity.

I'm crying as I'm writing this, but I don't allow the luxury of tears any more. So I don't even know what that means - except there's some deep hurt here that I don't think will ever heal.

I'm sorry I've failed you all as a friend, sister, daughter, mother. I'm sorry is all I can say. And before you tell me that I haven't failed you, remember I wouldn't be writing this blog post if your reactions hadn't convinced me it was necessary.

And I don't want to take my anger out on everyone. I need to figure out who I am again, and I need to rebuild a relationship with God. I need to work a way around this without struggling with self-harm or suicide.

So I'll see you all around. I'm accessible on email. Anyone wants a video call with me - yes, that includes you older folk <3 - arrange via email.

Juliet will look after my blog page on Facebook - as I will still blog, occasionally - and Serena will be managing the From Self-Harm to Victory page.

In Christ Alone,