Writers. A forum. Testing waters, not yet knowing who we'd be.
Fighting. Backsliding. Growing closer.
Fought for me against them. Against the darkness.
"Give them my email." He who was so cautious about letting other people have his details, gave them to fight for me.
I gave stuff up to talk. Constantly demanding to talk. Freaked out if he couldn't talk. He always made time. Even got grounded a few times because he went over the limit.
Mentioned a girl he would like if he'd let himself.
Ran. Two guys apart, I accepted it. Compliments from him, kind words, meant the world to me. I began to save them.
A friend found out about it after the time that he said with me in the RAF and him at college/working, our friendship would probably disappear and I freaked. Then the friend let it loose to him.
We talked. Agreed a time to separate and pray. I offered to kill it, told him I was being stupid. He asked if that was what God wanted. I said I'd tried to kill it, and I'd prayed.
He said: "And, no matter how useless your parents or anyone else tells you that you are, I think you're beautiful, inside and out. And, I believe God has a plan for you life, and if you seek Him, He will reveal it and it will be fulfilling beyond your wildest dreams."
A week and a half later, he came back to me.
"I would be interested in pursuing a deeper relationship in the future. But I won't do that now."
Me: The way things are...does it mean...you won't just walk out of my life now...? *thinks that that was not a good phrasing, but can't think of a better*
Him: No, I wont' "just walk out of your life".
I asked if I could wait for him. He said that was my call. I prayed about it and came to a crossroads. Either I could keep running from this and accepting other guys' attentions to hide behind, or I could face that I loved a good man who would consider me some day. I chose to wait and pray - to pray that God would teach me how to Love.
We talked. More than usual.
"You always make me smile! And you have been even more so tonight."
"I haven't talked to her since I heard that, (excepting some comments) pending hearing why you felt like you did. Bascially, it seemed that you were "jealous", which as I thought about it would seem to indicate that maybe I'm to close to her if it would make you jealous. Thanks for making me smile tonight."
"And you are not a pain to me, I'm glad you opened and told me all of that, it will make protecting your heart from hurt easier as I understand it better."
Him: And now, I would not let myself entertain any sort of crush on her or anyone else out of respect for you...that I didn't want to regard our relationship as a romantic one, such that me having a romantic (even if it was nothing more than a transient thought) interest in someone else would be wrong
Me: *winces* Have I put that burden on you now?...
Him: And in answer, yes, you have put "it" on me, but I regard it as anything but a burden. Really.
Me: Dad is being so horrible...the other day he was saying you can't be best friends with someone you've never met, and now he's saying maybe he should have a word with you to tell you what I'm really like because you don't know how useless I am because you don't live with me. I talk about you as my best friend, see.
Him: :( I'm so sorry. . .But, _I certainly wouldn't mind talking to him. If he really would like to, feel free to give him my email address. I dare him to convince me. . . ;)
I publicly said that people calling me cute was annoying/frustrating.
Him: And, BTW, You're Cute. :D
Me: *thumps* Don't you say that again. *threatens*
Him: Why not?
Me: Humph. Why not is because I'm NOT cute.
Him: No, you are cute, more than that, pretty and Beautiful.
Me: Is there anything I can do?
Him: No, not really. Thank you though, your support helps. :)
Him: I know your true colors Siân, and they are beautiful.
Then the emotional purity thing kicked in. The guy who was helping me suggested the principle even before this began, never realising until it was over the damage that would be done. I had asked him to get 'him' away from me, convinced that he'd end up hurt. The other guy was confused as to why I was so upset.
I visited the family, as a friend dropping in, when I toured. It went terribly.
But he stuck with me. We went on talking. We used Twitter's direct messaging system as a texting mechanism for two years.
August 31st, 2011 (He was really busy that day): May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. - Psalm 20
Him: Oh good. Now, get some sleep Mademoiselle. :)
Me: UGH. Yes, Milord.
Him: Thank you M'Lady
Me: YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!
Him: Do I care?
Me: *decides to shine most radiant smile*
Him: I'm still miffed that I never managed to get a picture of that smile.
Me: Maybe because it doesn't exist. :)
October 3rd, 2011
Me: Mr. Awesomeness! *singsongy voice* :P
Him: I think that's weird...
Me: What is? My singsongy voice? Now I'm hurt. :(
Him: No! The title! :P
Me: About as weird as Mademoiselle?
Him: Thank you though, this work isn't quite so drudgeurious any more. Mademoiselle isn't weird at all.
Me: Which was my intention. *smiles* Thank you for letting me cheer you up! Neither's Mr. Awesomeness, my lord. :P Here's a deal. You stop calling me Mademoiselle, and I will refrain from calling you Mr. Awesomeness. Agree? *sticks out hand* Because if you don't agree, I'll continue calling you Mr. Awesomeness. End of
Him: How are you doing?
Me: I'm fine, thanks. :) How are you?
Him: I'm doing really well. :) Tired, sore, and peopled out from the campout though. But it was really fun. :)
Me: grins - Tell me 'bout it? "Peopled out"? :P
Him: I've been around others for 33 of the past 48 hours
Me: That leaves you with 15 that you weren't? unhelpfully :P
Him: it just get's kinda exhausting. (I was sleeping) But it was fun. :) Kept thinking of you. you would of enjoyed it :)
Me: I'm the oldest person in here. *shrieks*
Friend: Not exactly by much
Me: I'm nearly 20....I'm old...
Him: You are nineteen, going on twenty-y. . .wow, that's weird
Me: *grins* I do sing that...
Him: I joked you about that when you were just sixteen. That's been a long time
Me: Four years we've been friends. :)
Me: DONT. TALK. TO ME. TONIGHT. Ttyt. Please.
Me: Because I'm in bits. PLease. Don't try. I'll ttyt.
Him: Why's that a problem?
Me: Do you really want a sobbing wreck on chat? No. Neither do I. Thanks. Ttyt.
Him: No, I don't. But I want no chat even less. Why don't you want to?
Me: Because I'll unload and I don't want to. Please. I'll ttyw.
Him: Not to be argumentative but, why don't you want to unload?
Me: Why do you think.
Him: Because I might not like it and pull away?
Me: Somewhat. And because it would be still more humiliating if you didn't like it and stayed. And because I could end up leaning on you. Neither of us want that. And because I don't know when you're going or not. Safety precaution.
Me: Precisely. *coolly*
Me (later): Kay. If you want to chat. I've closed down so leave it at fine and we can chat. :) Sorry about that. Was a better safe than sorry procedure.
Me: What in blue blazes are you hmming about?
Him: I'm contemplating and pondering what you've said.
Me: I'm chatting with Mama Lauser now.
Him: Cool :) Good to see you! :)
Him: I missed you yesterday
Me: O.o Who am I chatting to...? :)
Me: O... Thanks...I missed you too. :)
Me: I was going to give you the choice of three options while Jay was away....
To stop talking while Jay was away.
To chat once a week.
To carry on like this with me fighting you trying to be friends again, which neither you nor I could take.
Or for us to carry on with me closing off. I don't know what to say now. That was what I wanted to say.
Me: *waits patiently*
Him: Sorry. Bleh
Me: It's fine. I can go? :)
Him: Sian, I am committed to continuing our friendship. It's not something I take lightly. I know it's terribly rough right now, and I'm sorry for that. But I am willing, because I beleive it will be worth it, to persevere through that.
Me: I'm scared of Jay not being here. That's why I was going to give you those four options. And you could pick one. Now I don't know what to do.
Always other people involved. Some said he loved. Some said he didn't.
Never could quite trust he'd not abandon me, meant what he said. Never could quite believe someone could consider loving me. Kept pushing back, pushing.
Me: Why are you talking to me every day? If you wanted to be friends again, why not try over the once a week gap? Aren't you afraid I'll become more attached than I should be? *grins a bit* That was close.
Me: You nearly got an entire load of questions a year old. :p
Him: :P I like talking with you :) :P And I had the impression you liked me talking to you. (I still have that impression :P) And no, I'm not really worried about that right now, though I do think about it
He stuck through my brother's violence, my sister's divorce, my parents' divorce, the police battle where he was a potential witness because I told him of my dad's touching me, my self-harming, my inability to handle other guys' attentions due to my damage, my constant roller-coaster of happy-to-depression.
He told me I was beautiful, and though I didn't want to believe him, in the end, I did. He was 16 at the time he started dealing with my problems. To this day, I admire and thank him for that.
August 18th, 2012-
Him: That is who you are. You love God, you love others, you're cute. That pretty well fufills all the qualifications IMO. :)
October 6th -
Me: I know what Birdie thinks. But what do you think, should I cut my hair?
Him: I think it'd still look lovely. What do you think?
October 10th, 2012 - How're you doing princess?
Him: Thank you very much Siân
You spoke well :-)
With grace and discrestion
Thank you for standing up for me
February 28th, 2013
04:53 Sometimes, well a lot of times, I just wish we could sit on a couch, put my arm around your shoulders, and just talk for hours and hours.
I think that'd really help you
04:54 (And I'd really enjoy that...)
Anyway, that's my random thought of the night
God Bless Mademoiselle
I began to sense him going away. As an empath, I can detect when he feels further and when he feels closer, though I get confused because - well. He's one of the two most dearly loved people in my life. And when people are close to me, it's nigh on impossible to be always right about them.
Constant double-questioning - is this what he really is doing/feeling? Is this what I'm reading it as because I want to?
I got frustrated. It hurt so bad, this constant waiting. A friend convinced me I should take a three month break. I managed it for a month, after the below event. He wasn't happy, but didn't argue.
I couldn't keep away. Going back to talking to him felt like home. Felt safe. I knew I was safe with him, always.
August 4th, 2013 - A friend who stands more of a chance for certain reasons, totally unaware, admitted to her crush on him. I knew right before she spoke it, and the world went cold and empty. All that stayed in my mind was, "She mustn't know. If there's a chance for him and her, she must never know." So I joked. And inside I bled.
I didn't realise how far the distance was across half of a country, but I cried all the way. Violently. Passengers moved out of the car, gave me funny looks. Praying. So hard. Wrote this.
"I keep thinking that the love for him, the deep, deep love is fading, replaced with friendship. Then there's nights like tonight. The pain, the depth, the pain, the pain...and the knowledge of what it means to me to let go...and the knowledge that I can because God will give me strength to love him the best. I am growing tonight. Two months – two weeks – a week ago, I would have said I had let him go and still be fighting unconsciously. But after that recent splash with both of them and his admittance he only loves me as a friend, and my telling him that I love him enough to let him go...
I have nothing left. I am not fighting for him. And this isn't a I-don't-care-I'm-not-fighting-because-I-want-him-to-pursue collapse.
This is an I-have-nothing-left collapse.
I am not messaging him, not shutting him out. Just...numb. Until now.
I have nothing to give, nothing to say. Only wordless sobs and tearful cries to God. Cause He hears me. He will heal me.
Though I pray I will not love again. And that will be a hard wish in years to come, but I do not wish to love another man. Not after the wealth of this.
It cannot harm him to love him for the rest of my life – nor her. I will pray for them both, that it will work out, for I think it will make them both happy. They...would go well together. *smiles a bit*
I have no internet on the train. No friend to rant to. Just the silence. God. Just the music. The "Him” folder on my MP3, which...praises God, and prays for him, and reminds me to keep loving. Songs like “Blessed be Your Name”. “Our God”, Tomorrow, “Worth the Wait”. It hurts. But it's a hurt that will draw me to God and not poison my existence in dark retreat this time. That is where Satan always drives me – and this is Godly love. Oh God keep me.
And my Bible. And my tears. And praying.
This is the night of my Gethsemane."
I guess he didn't believe me in the end, convinced himself it was a passing fancy of a girl's broken heart wound around him.
I visited again, but as I thought we were connecting for the first time in ages, he became convinced it was the end.
He didn't admit to it for months. Someone finally pushed him to. Because as often as I messed up, as often as I ran, I still came back. I still loved him. So much. I kept waiting. And they didn't think it was fair. I think he knew what would happen, he didn't want it to happen.
But it did. I lost my best friend, the man I trusted, the man who epitomised good men for me. As long as he was left, I couldn't help believing that there were good men in the world.
November 24th, 2013:
"How bad is it going to hurt me?"
"It's going to hurt bad. Really bad, sis."
The shell cracked.
Then silence fell.
I guess he was like everyone else after all.
I guess he grew up.
Run. Run, you clever boy. And remember.