Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Deepest Fear

It's possibly the deepest fear in both man and woman. For men, tucked away at the root of wanting respect. For women, buried under the surface of that longing to be loved.
The fear that we're not worth it. Not worth being respected. Not worth being loved. Not worth it as a person, the very essence and uniqueness of us as an individual human being. Not worth fighting for. The fear that we're being constantly held up to the measure of those around us and being found wanting.

That fear is found a voice as soon as we're rejected - by the person we respect, by the person we love most deeply. Whatever form the rejection takes, we sense it and the fear finds confirmation - we weren't worth it, to the person who counted the most. And it hurts. Oh, how it hurts.
The whisper you've heard all your life is finally verified in action or word. It's true. You're not worth it.

I'm not going to deny it, that they don't consider you worth it. That he doesn't consider me worth it. That's the hardest part to fight, the thing you had been fighting against, and fight to accept. They don't consider you worth it. And...to accept that without reversing it to that they aren't worth it. Because they are...and you know that they are...because everyone is worth it to Him. But it's easy to revert to anger, to try and build a shield over that deep wound, and blame someone else. Or blame yourself, and tell yourself that yes, you aren't worth it.

I've honestly got no defence against that. I know that to many people, and worst and most hurtful of all, to him, I'm not worth it. I know that it's the same for many of you and that's a battle you will be fighting for months, for years.
I know that the measure of my worth down here has been proved by the human race over and over, and I'm found wanting. I also know that to some of the many suffering, God has provided that I am worth something, and that...is a deep blessing.

You know how that can even be? Because God found me worth something, and He lets some - just a few - people look at me through His eyes, and find Himself there. And that makes me worth something.
But...He also saw me when I was born rebellious against Him, black and guilty, and He found something to love. I don't know what He saw. I just know that He found me worth dying for. Worth making His own. Worth paying the ultimate price of love and life for.
And He did the same for you. Maybe your father is distant and cold, your mother emotionally abusive. Maybe your siblings are favourites, or physically torment you. Maybe the person you love most deeply has forsaken you.
God hasn't. He's still there. And He gave the ultimate sign of love - no matter how distant it feels. He finds you worth something, even if you've been kicked in the gutter and marked for the rubbish heap by everyone else. Even if they all find you worthless.

I was originally going to post the following as a part audio/part blog post, but unfortunately I mentioned the name of the guy I love in there, so it's just going to be the tail end of this post to finish off.

"So it's nearly impossible to express the beauty of this, just the way it's hit me.
I'm walking along listening to While I'm Waiting, and thinking about how much I used to listen to this when I was waiting for Mr C., and thinking (as I've done a hundred times), 'Well, I'm still waiting on God, you know.'

And then it suddenly struck me; this time, I'm actually waiting for Someone Who is going to come for me and Who is not going to let me down. He's going to come, He's going to take me away and change my life. And He's not going to lie about it.

And I think, somehow, it will be easier - I mean, it's not always going to be easy, I know that - but somehow it's sort of going to be easier to wait for Somebody Who I know isn't going to let me down.
I think part of the reason I kept slipping up was because I kept thinking, doubting that he was ever going to come - and in the end, he didn't. But God has promised that He is going to come for me, and in 6000+ years, He hasn't broken one of His promises. And I am waiting for Him, and He is going to come. It's so beautiful.

'And at last I've seen the light, and it's like the fog has lifted!' It's just...incredible. I'm nearly crying. Oh wow...He's actually going to come. He's not going to fail. He's not going to lie to me. He's going to come for me.

It's not going to be easy, waiting a lifetime, but He's actually going to be able to forgive me when I fall, which is something that couldn't happen...yeah.

God is good."

In His Name,
~Siân

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Losing God

I took a break from packing the house at Snapdragon and did this as a verbal post. So...click on the blue words below to hear it, but it's handwritten out as well. ;)

Losing God:

I said to my ex-best friend recently that material things last longer than people.

As I've been packing up stuff from my room as we move house, I've found that's quite true. You know, finding things like notes from my first (and also ex) best friend, things from people who have passed on, and, in a sense, it's just strange...

I'm sitting here throwing things out that have memories attached - not everything, but. Yah.
And, material things do last longer than people, but in the end, even material things go. I've lost my home, I've lost my family to some degree, and now I'm losing material things and ties that have been with me all my life, that remind me of people that I've lost.

In a sense, it's almost like God's trying to..wean me away from things. Now, I don't know why, but...
It's just that you can lose so much in a lifetime, because everything here is mortal, disintegrates, gets torn up or dies, but you don't lose God. No matter what else you lose, you can't lose God - and He doesn't lose you, because He's promised never to leave us or forsake us. He always sees us, wherever we are. He knows where we are, He knows every intimate detail about us, more than anyone else knows - more than even we ourselves know. And He's always there, no matter where you go.

If my house burned down tonight and my family died, and I had to beg in the streets, God would still be with me. And that's a really comforting thought, to know that there's one stable thing in this world.

No matter who you lose, no matter what you lose, there's one stable thing in this world that's never going to pass away.

I'm very thankful for the things God has left me. I still have my mom, I still see my brother. I still have material things around me, and God's been very good to me that way. It's just that watching these things go, reminds me that only He, at the end of the day, will be left.
When I pass from this world to the next world, which will happen, the one thing that I have stable in this world is still going to be with me in the next, and that's a real comfort.
No matter the ties I form down here, the strongest tie of all needs to be with God, because He's going to be with me forever, and I'm going to be with Him.

And that's where our focus needs to be.

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Stinging Wounds

I've debated a while about posting this.

A) Because I loathe pity and people always feeling they are meant to be sorry for me.
B) Because all the people who dislike me/have major issues with me will be feeling triumphant.

But I've tried to always be honest and share my bad side, to some degree, because...because that's part of me too. And...for those who do...look up to/respect me, who wants a perfect mentor? I'd have - and have had - a lot of trouble talking to people who don't understand where I am.

So yeah. Here is part of my pain, shared with our prayer group the other night.
Read it, and know that God is still here. Still there. With you. No matter the darkness, and oh, yes. I know how black it can get.


I don't often write stuff like this, so...yeah.
No matter the blog posts, I'm almost constantly struggling with depression. If you'd call it that. More like despair.
I can recognise when a wave is about to hit...but can do nothing to prevent it.
It always drives me back to the Word, but I keep reading and currently it's just like a death knell of hope.
I feel like God's given up on me. I feel like no matter how hard I pray, He's going to not answer or answer no.

I'm tired, so tired of grieving. I'm so so tired of people pointing at me behind my back and treating me like a child because "I'm all emotional". I also don't appreciate the inferences that my rationality is impaired to push people away from my 'arrogance', because in short, that makes me feel completely worthless.
Being rejected by the one guy who knew everything about me shook my life up (part removed). Shook me up.

I'm just. So. Tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of not hoping. I'm tired of being so mentally and emotionally alone and I daren't let anyone else close. I'm tired of being treated like I'm not good enough for a good man, I'm tired of telling myself that. I'm tired of fearing it's all true. I'm tired of being yelled at.
I can blurrily see God's hand. I haven't self harmed in eight months by His goodness.
I'm just tired of breathing. I want to go Home. Where I'll be healed. And safe. And loved.

Whine over. Blessed be those who do not shun, do not run, do not condemn and do not run tattling. And don't try and take me on and mentor me when you have enough troubles or I'm trying to mentor you. It throws the relationship out.


Note: If you don't like me being this open, I have two instructions. One, go and read where the Bible talks about many members in one body, and not all having the same function. Two, close the blog down. :)

In Him, and His deathless love alone,
~Siân