Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Saturday, July 26, 2014

A Rant on the Perfect Marriage - Again

You hear it all the time.

Don't look for a man, look for God.
God can fulfill all your deepest needs and meet every desire.
The best man you can marry is a man that's looking for God more than you.

And you believe it. You innocently set off to try and follow God to the best of your ability, to pursue and look for and love and serve God.
You want a good marriage. You hope and pray God brings you a good man.

You watch other people start out - couples of faith with faith in God that falter...and fall...because a unique trial tests them at their weakest point, their most vulnerable point...and. they. fall. They stop. Give up.
Parents intervene. Oh, he wasn't for you. She wasn't Godly enough. Look at this flaw, look at that flaw, your friends say. Generational curses! Developmental faults!

Oh my gosh, why get married at all!? The fact that some people even are is a miracle.

Look at what you believe and look at the human race. Seven thousand years or so ago, God made two perfect people. They chose to disobey the one and only command God asked they comply with and unleashed a world of evil. Suddenly, their bodies are weak, and their children's bodies are inheriting genetic weaknesses. Physical. Mental. Emotional. They aren't perfect. And they deteriorate from generation to generation. Breakdown of genetics. It's going to happen. Result of the curse.

The idea of the perfect couple is mocked in all Christian circles, and so it should be. But is it really?

You can do better. You can do better. You can find someone who fits you right, who meets your needs, fulfills your desires. No, that's not what they're openly proclaiming. In fact, they're openly proclaiming the opposite. But they're not living it. Which is actually rather psychologically damaging.

You don't need someone who physically looks good! - but you need to be attracted to your spouse.
You don't need to find someone who is perfect! - but you need to make sure you're emotionally whole and well before thinking about marriage.

Where did the idea of laying your life down for the other person come into it?

Don't get me wrong, I haven't got all this figured out yet. I refuse to marry a man while choc-full of holes because all I attract - and all I do attract - are guys with holes. And they aren't mature guys with holes.
So maturity is a whole different level to having holes. It's not the holes you have. It's how you deal with the holes you have.

Post from Facebook earlier:
"Hey boys, stop pursuing holiness and start pursuing God.
Recognise the woman you're pursuing isn't an incarnation of holiness and is a flawed sinner just like you."

Deep down within us all is the knowledge we're missing something. Ever since the Curse. And we're looking for more. Always looking for something more.
Even when we are saved in Christ, we're still looking for more.
We're looking for the lost perfection that we should have, that our ancestors lost for us. We hope to find it in so many things.
Why?

Because we can't accept ourselves. Accept our holes. Accept who we are. To fully embrace the knowledge of our sin, we have to embrace the knowledge of who we are because of sin.
Accepting Christ as Lord and Saviour does not wave a magic wand over us and instantly complete us and remove our flaws. (I know I'm verging on heresy to some here, but seriously, guys, knock off your blinkers a sec and walk through this with me.) Sin removal and life change is a life change. Literally. It takes the rest of our lives to try to become like Jesus. Why? Not so we can achieve some level of random holiness.

"HEY LOOK! I SCORED POINT ELEVEN ON THE HOLINESS SCALE!"
Get off your scales and stop watching your holiness!

We try to become like Christ because we should love Him with all of our hearts and every essence of our beings! When you love someone, and how I know it, you want to be with them. (In a normal situation. Sin's created a few messed up scenarios around love.)
You want to know everything they're doing, what they're saying, study their emotions, facial expressions, what pleases them.

That's why we want to become like Christ. Not to gain perfection. But because we love Him. In Christ IS perfection. Accept you're not going to get that. In any source. Because you're missing it in yourself isn't going to mean you'll find it in your girlfriend. Or boyfriend.

Remember you aren't looking for completion, you're looking for a complement - someone who will push you towards God. Who will take every part of you to devotedly love and cause you to focus on Christ to love them.
And when I say devotedly, I mean devotedly.

Now go chew on that before you let your "attraction" and someone's "holiness scales" drive you to pursue their hand again and then dump them because they aren't "good enough".

If you aren't ready to step into marriage, quit pursuing a girl.
Not if you think you're ready for marriage. When you're actually ready for a commitment and a marriage.
Which actually usually means admitting you're not.

Also. Girls get very quickly attached. Even unawares. Just be aware of that when you step forward to pursue a heart openly.

Am I trying to scare you off pursuing a girl? Heck yeah.
Because men are the ones who admit they aren't ready. Admit they make mistakes. Admit that they'll never be able to do what needs to be done.
But say that I'm right, this is hard. Impossible. But I'm ready to love this woman like Jesus - selflessly. I'm ready to pursue her - to the end of my life. I'm going to fail - but I'm never going to stop trying. Because God thought she was worth it and so do I.

That is a mark of a man.

I'm trying to scare the boys from the men, and the man out of the boy.

I have seen too many broken hearts this year.

~Siân

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Questioning the Rebelution

Hobbling along a couple of steps, I grimaced as a sharp, small stone cut into my bare foot.

Forget it. Think I'll stick to the high heels and ignore the blisters.

Pulling them back on over my hot and somewhat swollen feet, I stalked stylishly off up the hill...the sun pelting down...it's funny how much of your thought process can shut down when you're drained and focused on one thing...just getting home.


Well, that's what I am now...a fashion girl. Trying to hold down a job and stick to an everyday life. What became of the passion and the excitement of life when I was a teen? The promise of doing great things for God?
I knew great things were often small things, but it shrunk down to humdrum. One step in front of another. Dragging feet. Harder to get beyond the concentration of just keeping breathing...another step.
Battling memories of him and our six years of friendship gone and my four years of loving him and the plans I dreamed and the things I believed the Lord had in store for my life has sunk to simply battling the desire to freak out and/or self-harm at every seeming threat. Too tired for memories.

Wondering how to tell my OYAN siblings I will never see them again, more loudly than I already have. Trying to forgive the bitchy backbiters that tore my safe haven to shreds...got rid a big sister I respected and loved to remove me from her life...nope...just trying to outlive the wounds they left.

Watching the safe havens disappear one by one...hey, don't mourn the ones you haven't got...you never have to lose them. Watching the one I have left and just wondering when it will disappear too...got too much for everyone else...

Learning to live with the shell and the wounds and the permanent negative self-image, driven into consciousness by the abandonment of the closest losses.

Thinking about blogging this and being totally flat about it...I usually write when I'm passionate or believe in or am excited about something but that doesn't, never happens any more.

An extraordinary beginning, my friend, never means you will not have an ordinary end. The hardest thing is learning how to cope with your extraordinary beginning in an ordinary life.

When the amount of people who reject you, complain about you or hate you are such a large amount, you end up believing that heck no, you aren't beautiful. Loveable. Godly? Don't make me laugh.

And then the façade...fashion girl. Make up. Make people laugh. Try to brokenly love. Smile. Just the little things.
Forget serving God. Just try to keep praying, keep reading the Word.
Walking up the hill listening to Christian music, music that echoes emptily but I keep listening because I want to believe...I want God...the only thing left I want God...I just want to reach His feet at the end of the journey...

"While I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting, I will serve You..." Waiting? For what?

The worst thing, and the best thing, about being raised as a Christian homeschooler is the dreaming. The believing you're unique and special and you will do an incredible thing that will impact your world. You will make a difference in a way that no one else has. Through following Christ, loving like Christ, living like Christ...

Then the world and reality hits you hard. Everything you do, you get kicked back down.
People? Two-faced, openly or secretly.
Career? Hated for what you believe in.
Friends? Rejected for being a sinner.
Love? Rejected because of not being good enough. Or enough.
Family? Think you're a crabby, selfish, hypocritical, self-righteous snob. Maybe I am. I see it sometimes and it drives me to despair.
Talents? Mediocre that no one likes...can't develop...the ones you can get crushed by the weight of the rest...

Yep, that's making a difference...

From the old age of 22 as I plan to send a gift of flowers for the marriage of an old best friend who barely tolerates me now, I look at the sparkling enthusiasm of 16 as we were best buddies and fighting for "emotional purity". That hell-stuff. Before I betrayed her.


Get home.

Oh my goodness! There's the card that Lindi sent me for my birthday - a month ago tomorrow. I open it eagerly.

"...Girl, I truly, from the bottom of my "<3", pray that this is an amazing year for you."
(Insert wry smile as I recall that in the past eight months, I lost the man I love, my American family and almost my career.)
"May the Father strengthen you and place you where you may walk in the ministry He has for your life, and be prosperous."
(Jaw slightly agape as I recall that one of the very clear positives and negatives of the last few days has been the regaining of freedom-of-money and loss-of-time-and-energy...wondering if this life is where God wants me for the remainder of however many months I have left and where I went so drastically wrong to be wandering lost as this now)
"I believe that all you've been through; this is the 'rising season' where God is going to show you how to use it to reach others and encourage them on their walk."
(Slightly hysterical laughter ensues, to my mother's surprise, as I realise that seconds before I'd been thinking that "an extraordinary beginning does not exclude an ordinary end.")
"The time of living in the shadow is over, and the Lord is going to begin to show you His purposes. I love you, Lady of the King.
...Keep those eyes on the Father of Lights, and He will use you to speak for Him....What a treasure you are, unique and lovely as God formed you to be. See yourself through heavenly eyes. Find your identity in the Saviour's face. Love always, 'Lindi'"

....
Lindi, I hope that is prophetic. Truly.
And I swear that everything I wrote above this I was thinking and planning on blogging for the entirety of at least an hour before I came home to find your card.

Know that today, today was the perfect day for that card to arrive...not to tear down the walls, for tomorrow the lies will deafen me again, but to throw another arrow of truth to pierce the darkness surrounding.

Love in Him,
A Rock Climber