Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Monday, November 24, 2014

A Year of Remembering

Writers. A forum. Testing waters, not yet knowing who we'd be.

Fighting. Backsliding. Growing closer.

Fought for me against them. Against the darkness.

"Give them my email." He who was so cautious about letting other people have his details, gave them to fight for me.

Arguing. Constantly.
Respect.

Never realising.

I gave stuff up to talk. Constantly demanding to talk. Freaked out if he couldn't talk. He always made time. Even got grounded a few times because he went over the limit.

Mentioned a girl he would like if he'd let himself.

Realised.

Ran. Two guys apart, I accepted it. Compliments from him, kind words, meant the world to me. I began to save them.

A friend found out about it after the time that he said with me in the RAF and him at college/working, our friendship would probably disappear and I freaked. Then the friend let it loose to him.

We talked. Agreed a time to separate and pray. I offered to kill it, told him I was being stupid. He asked if that was what God wanted. I said I'd tried to kill it, and I'd prayed.

He said: "And, no matter how useless your parents or anyone else tells you that you are, I think you're beautiful, inside and out. And, I believe God has a plan for you life, and if you seek Him, He will reveal it and it will be fulfilling beyond your wildest dreams."

A week and a half later, he came back to me.

"I would be interested in pursuing a deeper relationship in the future. But I won't do that now."

Me: The way things are...does it mean...you won't just walk out of my life now...? *thinks that that was not a good phrasing, but can't think of a better*
Him: No, I wont' "just walk out of your life".

I asked if I could wait for him. He said that was my call. I prayed about it and came to a crossroads. Either I could keep running from this and accepting other guys' attentions to hide behind, or I could face that I loved a good man who would consider me some day. I chose to wait and pray - to pray that God would teach me how to Love.

We talked. More than usual.

"You always make me smile! And you have been even more so tonight."

"I haven't talked to her since I heard that, (excepting some comments) pending hearing why you felt like you did. Bascially, it seemed that you were "jealous", which as I thought about it would seem to indicate that maybe I'm to close to her if it would make you jealous. Thanks for making me smile tonight."

"And you are not a pain to me, I'm glad you opened and told me all of that, it will make protecting your heart from hurt easier as I understand it better."

Him: And now, I would not let myself entertain any sort of crush on her or anyone else out of respect for you...that I didn't want to regard our relationship as a romantic one, such that me having a romantic (even if it was nothing more than a transient thought) interest in someone else would be wrong
Me: *winces* Have I put that burden on you now?...
Him: And in answer, yes, you have put "it" on me, but I regard it as anything but a burden. Really.

Me: Dad is being so horrible...the other day he was saying you can't be best friends with someone you've never met, and now he's saying maybe he should have a word with you to tell you what I'm really like because you don't know how useless I am because you don't live with me. I talk about you as my best friend, see.
Him: :( I'm so sorry. . .But, _I certainly wouldn't mind talking to him. If he really would like to, feel free to give him my email address. I dare him to convince me. . . ;)

I publicly said that people calling me cute was annoying/frustrating.

Him: And, BTW, You're Cute. :D
Me: *thumps* Don't you say that again. *threatens*
Him: Why not?
Me: Humph. Why not is because I'm NOT cute.
Him: No, you are cute, more than that, pretty and Beautiful.

Me: Is there anything I can do?
Him: No, not really. Thank you though, your support helps. :)

Him: I know your true colors Siân, and they are beautiful.

Then the emotional purity thing kicked in. The guy who was helping me suggested the principle even before this began, never realising until it was over the damage that would be done. I had asked him to get 'him' away from me, convinced that he'd end up hurt. The other guy was confused as to why I was so upset.

I visited the family, as a friend dropping in, when I toured. It went terribly.

But he stuck with me. We went on talking. We used Twitter's direct messaging system as a texting mechanism for two years.

August 31st, 2011 (He was really busy that day): May the LORD answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. - Psalm 20

Him: Oh good. Now, get some sleep Mademoiselle. :)
Me: UGH. Yes, Milord.
Him: Thank you M'Lady
Me: YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!
Him: Do I care?
Me: Bleh.

Me: *decides to shine most radiant smile*
Him: I'm still miffed that I never managed to get a picture of that smile.
Me: Maybe because it doesn't exist. :)

October 3rd, 2011
Me: Mr. Awesomeness! *singsongy voice* :P
Him: I think that's weird...
Me: What is? My singsongy voice? Now I'm hurt. :(
Him: No! The title! :P
Me: About as weird as Mademoiselle?
Him: Thank you though, this work isn't quite so drudgeurious any more. Mademoiselle isn't weird at all.
Me: Which was my intention. *smiles* Thank you for letting me cheer you up! Neither's Mr. Awesomeness, my lord. :P Here's a deal. You stop calling me Mademoiselle, and I will refrain from calling you Mr. Awesomeness. Agree? *sticks out hand* Because if you don't agree, I'll continue calling you Mr. Awesomeness. End of

17-10-11
Him: How are you doing?
Me: I'm fine, thanks. :) How are you?
Him: I'm doing really well. :) Tired, sore, and peopled out from the campout though. But it was really fun. :)
Me: grins - Tell me 'bout it? "Peopled out"? :P
Him: I've been around others for 33 of the past 48 hours
Me: That leaves you with 15 that you weren't? unhelpfully :P
Him: it just get's kinda exhausting. (I was sleeping) But it was fun. :) Kept thinking of you. you would of enjoyed it :)

15-01-12
Me: I'm the oldest person in here. *shrieks*
Friend: Not exactly by much
Me: I'm nearly 20....I'm old...
Him: You are nineteen, going on twenty-y. . .wow, that's weird
Me: *grins* I do sing that...
Him: I joked you about that when you were just sixteen. That's been a long time
Me: Four years we've been friends. :)

January 19th:
Me: DONT. TALK. TO ME. TONIGHT. Ttyt. Please.
Him: Why?
Me: Because I'm in bits. PLease. Don't try. I'll ttyt.
Him: Why's that a problem?
Me: Do you really want a sobbing wreck on chat? No. Neither do I. Thanks. Ttyt.
Him: No, I don't. But I want no chat even less. Why don't you want to?
Me: Because I'll unload and I don't want to. Please. I'll ttyw.
Him: Not to be argumentative but, why don't you want to unload?
Me: Why do you think.
Him: Because I might not like it and pull away?
Me: Somewhat. And because it would be still more humiliating if you didn't like it and stayed. And because I could end up leaning on you. Neither of us want that. And because I don't know when you're going or not. Safety precaution.
Him: Hmmm
Me: Precisely. *coolly*
Me (later): Kay. If you want to chat. I've closed down so leave it at fine and we can chat. :) Sorry about that. Was a better safe than sorry procedure.
Him: Hmmmm
Me: What in blue blazes are you hmming about?
Him: I'm contemplating and pondering what you've said.

Me: I'm chatting with Mama Lauser now.
Him: Cool :) Good to see you! :)
Me: ??
Him: I missed you yesterday
Me: O.o Who am I chatting to...? :)
Him: Me
Me: O... Thanks...I missed you too. :)
_

Me: I was going to give you the choice of three options while Jay was away....
To stop talking while Jay was away.
To chat once a week.
To carry on like this with me fighting you trying to be friends again, which neither you nor I could take.
Or for us to carry on with me closing off. I don't know what to say now. That was what I wanted to say.
Him: Well...
Me: Yessir?
Him: :P
Me: *waits patiently*
Him: Sorry. Bleh
Me: It's fine. I can go? :)
Him: No!
Me: OKay.
Him: Sian, I am committed to continuing our friendship. It's not something I take lightly. I know it's terribly rough right now, and I'm sorry for that. But I am willing, because I beleive it will be worth it, to persevere through that.
Me: I'm scared of Jay not being here. That's why I was going to give you those four options. And you could pick one. Now I don't know what to do.

Always other people involved. Some said he loved. Some said he didn't.
Never could quite trust he'd not abandon me, meant what he said. Never could quite believe someone could consider loving me. Kept pushing back, pushing.

Me: Why are you talking to me every day? If you wanted to be friends again, why not try over the once a week gap? Aren't you afraid I'll become more attached than I should be? *grins a bit* That was close.
Him: ?
Me: You nearly got an entire load of questions a year old. :p
Him: :P I like talking with you :) :P And I had the impression you liked me talking to you. (I still have that impression :P) And no, I'm not really worried about that right now, though I do think about it

He stuck through my brother's violence, my sister's divorce, my parents' divorce, the police battle where he was a potential witness because I told him of my dad's touching me, my self-harming, my inability to handle other guys' attentions due to my damage, my constant roller-coaster of happy-to-depression.
He told me I was beautiful, and though I didn't want to believe him, in the end, I did. He was 16 at the time he started dealing with my problems. To this day, I admire and thank him for that.

August 18th, 2012-
Him: That is who you are. You love God, you love others, you're cute. That pretty well fufills all the qualifications IMO. :)

October 6th -
Me: I know what Birdie thinks. But what do you think, should I cut my hair?
Him: I think it'd still look lovely. What do you think?

October 10th, 2012 - How're you doing princess?

9-01-13
Him: Thank you very much Siân
You spoke well :-)
With grace and discrestion
Thank you for standing up for me

February 28th, 2013
Him: TTYT
:-)
04:53 Sometimes, well a lot of times, I just wish we could sit on a couch, put my arm around your shoulders, and just talk for hours and hours.
I think that'd really help you
04:54 (And I'd really enjoy that...)
Anyway, that's my random thought of the night
God Bless Mademoiselle
DFTBB

I began to sense him going away. As an empath, I can detect when he feels further and when he feels closer, though I get confused because - well. He's one of the two most dearly loved people in my life. And when people are close to me, it's nigh on impossible to be always right about them.
Constant double-questioning - is this what he really is doing/feeling? Is this what I'm reading it as because I want to?
I got frustrated. It hurt so bad, this constant waiting. A friend convinced me I should take a three month break. I managed it for a month, after the below event. He wasn't happy, but didn't argue.
I couldn't keep away. Going back to talking to him felt like home. Felt safe. I knew I was safe with him, always.

August 4th, 2013 - A friend who stands more of a chance for certain reasons, totally unaware, admitted to her crush on him. I knew right before she spoke it, and the world went cold and empty. All that stayed in my mind was, "She mustn't know. If there's a chance for him and her, she must never know." So I joked. And inside I bled.
I didn't realise how far the distance was across half of a country, but I cried all the way. Violently. Passengers moved out of the car, gave me funny looks. Praying. So hard. Wrote this.

"I keep thinking that the love for him, the deep, deep love is fading, replaced with friendship. Then there's nights like tonight. The pain, the depth, the pain, the pain...and the knowledge of what it means to me to let go...and the knowledge that I can because God will give me strength to love him the best. I am growing tonight. Two months – two weeks – a week ago, I would have said I had let him go and still be fighting unconsciously. But after that recent splash with both of them and his admittance he only loves me as a friend, and my telling him that I love him enough to let him go...

I have nothing left. I am not fighting for him. And this isn't a I-don't-care-I'm-not-fighting-because-I-want-him-to-pursue collapse.
This is an I-have-nothing-left collapse.
I am not messaging him, not shutting him out. Just...numb. Until now.
I have nothing to give, nothing to say. Only wordless sobs and tearful cries to God. Cause He hears me. He will heal me.
Though I pray I will not love again. And that will be a hard wish in years to come, but I do not wish to love another man. Not after the wealth of this.
It cannot harm him to love him for the rest of my life – nor her. I will pray for them both, that it will work out, for I think it will make them both happy. They...would go well together. *smiles a bit*

I have no internet on the train. No friend to rant to. Just the silence. God. Just the music. The "Him” folder on my MP3, which...praises God, and prays for him, and reminds me to keep loving. Songs like “Blessed be Your Name”. “Our God”, Tomorrow, “Worth the Wait”. It hurts. But it's a hurt that will draw me to God and not poison my existence in dark retreat this time. That is where Satan always drives me – and this is Godly love. Oh God keep me.
And my Bible. And my tears. And praying.

This is the night of my Gethsemane."

I guess he didn't believe me in the end, convinced himself it was a passing fancy of a girl's broken heart wound around him.

I visited again, but as I thought we were connecting for the first time in ages, he became convinced it was the end.

He didn't admit to it for months. Someone finally pushed him to. Because as often as I messed up, as often as I ran, I still came back. I still loved him. So much. I kept waiting. And they didn't think it was fair. I think he knew what would happen, he didn't want it to happen.
But it did. I lost my best friend, the man I trusted, the man who epitomised good men for me. As long as he was left, I couldn't help believing that there were good men in the world.

November 24th, 2013:
"How bad is it going to hurt me?"
"It's going to hurt bad. Really bad, sis."

The shell cracked.

Then silence fell.

I guess he was like everyone else after all.
I guess he grew up.

Run. Run, you clever boy. And remember.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

When Love Bleeds

Recently, it was the birthday of The Dude.

It was kinda a hard day, despite this place of constant peace and resting the Lord has provided.

It took a bit of pondering, over the past few weeks, whether or not to send a birthday greeting. After all, he totally blanked (probably forgot, you know what men are like :P ) my birthday this year, in spite of our past friendship of seven years.
The one part was going, "Well, I want to ignore him. He ignored me. Maybe I should just leave it to public holiday greetings from now."
The catty, angry, self-righteous part wanted to send him a greeting, just to say to myself that at least I did the right thing.

And both of them were holding back because, well, I don't want to give in to the self-righteous part. I want to love him right and purely.

In the end, I sent it. Because holding back isn't an option. When you love, you give all, whether or not it's returned. It's a rejoicing day because someone is alive, someone is unique, someone is special and so precious to the Father.

It's an adjustment of attitude, not a holding of action. It's choosing to send a greeting and to rejoice for the gift of a life, of being blessed with love for that life. Love is giving, not taking. Love is the way Jesus loved us. He gave all, knowing He'd get nothing in return, for the joy of loving us.

And that, tonight, makes me weep.

"If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing."

It doesn't matter if I feed a million people, bring joy through kind words, inspiration through struggle, hope through the blackness. Because half of that, unsubmitted to Christ, can be to bring attention and glory to me.
It's the constant seeking of His face, to know His soul and His heart, that will bring the truest love out.
Now as ever, I watch Him teach me through love. A love that brings me great pain, and yet turns my face to His and thus brings me great joy.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

I don't love him like this. I don't love you guys like this. I've tried and done wrong and hurt a lot of people that I love. But I want to.
I don't want to love like that for me. I want to love like that so I'll be closer to Him.

Fumbling makes sense somewhere, right? I pray He makes it clear. <3

In His love always,
Siân

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

A Scrummicking Idiot

*grins* That's a Black Country term, so most of y'all probably won't know that. ;)

So here's me, in sweatshirt, fancy necklace and Mediæval bodice fresh from work, earbuds dangling and still distantly playing Mandisa's "What If We Were Real" album, pj trousers on and perched on a chair, typing this while gobbling up some pumpkin soup - WITH CHEESE.
Scrummicking round the house, getting fed and watered before settling down to work at home for the evening.

Y'know, it's impossible to explain the joy and peace that's been here the last few days. The period I've just gone through has been the blackest, spiritually, I remember walking through in the past four years, since my backslide when I was 17.

I don't remember what jolted me to actually fighting again. I was convinced God wasn't going to fight for me anymore, and on being told that He was waiting for me to say no to doing wrong in the weakest area of my life and wasn't going to protect me, I was like, well, stuff it then. I can't see Him using me...He's given up...

Ha, it's always that usual stuff, isn't it...sometimes, don't you get that little shaft of doubt entering your heart when you're in a good place, and you shrug it off but you're like, that's going to come back to get me later...and then ALL of them are loosed at once when you're on the edge of collapse. Ha...

I wonder where the weak place in my armour is, because I definitely need to go to the Armourer and get it sorted...


There's a crazy amount of engagements and marriages going on amongst people who used to be pretty close to me at the moment. It started three years ago and it's just getting worse. XD
And I'm just...glad for them but wondering. Cause I don't know where my life is going. I'm living. Working. Coming home and eating chips and (working and) going to bed and wondering if this is it. Trying to make the seconds and the moments count, to make a difference with them in the lives of others, and...I really want God to use me in a big changing way. And then, every time I pray He does, because I know that God wants and will use a life fully surrendered to Him, I'm wondering if He will actually use me any more than He almost invisibly is right now. Because I know I'm weak on pride and thinking I'm doing stuff in my own strength. I know I come closer to Him when life is messy (don't know whether that's because it hasn't gone right for a long enough period to know! XD) and when it's okay, I think I'm stronger and go to Him less, and that I'm liable to take the credit for myself...so maybe He will just keep using me the way He is now. Or maybe this is the wilderness for Moses or the years before Christ came to His ministry or the years Noah spent being laughed at for building the ark.

Whatever it is. I know He's here. He knows. I don't but I will and I can look back and praise Him for the bad as well as the good - and with deep thankfulness, I was able to do that again tonight (rare moments, but so thankful when His grace is given me to do that).

Diary entry today: "It's amusing to be so much half child, half woman. Sometimes I can't recognise a child aspect, and that frustrates me a bit, but a lot of the time I can see both, although I('m not able to) change any of it. It's funny to play the idiot sometimes when people don't know me very well and they aren't sure where my child-naive side stops and the playful side starts.

Walking to the station down Corporation Street in a mismatch of grey patterned sweatshirt with a flowery cream summer skirt, white leggings, flowing hair, singing out loud to Mandisa, striding and swinging my bag...I could see people look twice. I know they probably think I'm crazy and it amuses me, cause I know I'm not and it's fun to watch their instant, unconscious pre-judging definition. Only few people actually accept me as I am for who I am without trying to alter me a bit, and it's entertaining figuring out who is who.

Of course, I understand some people (who want to change/adjust me) just want to protect me...

It's funny, though. The only thing that stops the child part of me is when I stop hoping and let anger take control. People always say I look/am acting grown up when my strongest emotion is contained anger. I wonder if it's hope, steadfast, given-and-renewable-by-God-alone hope that makes me still so much like a child in some ways. I don't know..." (We'll leave it there.)


Recently I got upset with my brother, who has a mental illness, for running off and disobeying my stepdad to go and debate some Muslims in the street.
Not for running off and disobeying, but for debating, because I know his style of ram-it-down-your-throat.
I was afraid that he'd make Christianity look like a religion of lunatics, and I have no desire to be locked up in a mental institute on drugs as a Christian, when persecution hits the West, because they think that it is the way he portrays it.

Well...knowing my brother...I was partly right. And partly, very wrong.

It's hard for me, being a rollercoaster. I hate it. It's hard for some of the people who deep-know me and it's hard for me because I don't understand it. I know the pain side is easier. In a month's time, it will be a year since I was pacing the streets with a throbbing pain so severe I wondered through my unwilled tears how the hell I was still breathing. The pain still comes but less regular. Settled mostly down to the long, quiet ache predicted that I thought would never come.

I hate the way I bounce between joyful and peaceful and dependent on God and hoping in Him to the next moment being utterly black and despairing. Usually there is a cause...sometimes, most frequently, a cause I can't share but one triggered by my past or one that I've mentioned so many times I'm sure people are tired of it.

Maybe it looks like I'm crazy. I'm always hated myself for my emotional side ever since "The Dude" left, who was ever-so-ultra-logical. It sure is a good witness for Christ, isn't it?
Unable to properly form an apologetic battle and just bleeding helplessly inside as I'm watching Christians rip each other apart in defence of the world...
Unable to stay stable and balanced emotionally at least, if I have to be emotional, and be positive and pointing people to Christ... that I've had several people who are atheist or of another religion point me back to my God... #shame I should be pointing them to Him...

Fact is, I'm a mess. I look, and probably am, emotionally unstable. Fact is, you're a mess. You're a living, breathing, masking mess.

Jesus came to save the messes. He ate with the most hated tax-collectors, Jews who'd sold out to the Romans and enforced their taxes for them. They were despised by the Romans and loathed by the Jews. He spoke to the whores and the outcasts - the man in chains prowling the seashore and totally controlled by the darkness - the woman condemned to death for adultery - the Samaritan woman who went to the well in the heat of the day to avoid the mockery of the town, married so many times and just living with her new guy cause - what's the point? He healed the lepers - not a charitable thing to do, to touch the lepers, oozing with sores and with skin rotting, their stench so bad that people had to wear masks when they brought food to a safe distance.
He ate with a Pharisee and a woman of the street came to pour the most expensive thing she owned at His feet. He reproved the righteous and loved her - He said go and sin no more. He came to bring hope where there was none, where people no longer believed there was anything more. Not to where they thought they were all right, that they're in a good place and okay with God and everything. He comes to the gutter.

Ever since then, in books like the DaVinci Code, etc, He's been portrayed as a good man to a bad man, a man who lived with a whore as opposed to one rescuing her. The stain stuck with Him forever, to be jeered at by the ones who, of course, know so much better.
I'm glad He stooped to our level, people who need so much more.

Don't you love that He is a God Who wants us because we need Him so much more?


Anyway. I've spent well over an hour writing this, so I'd better get back to work. And eating my soup. And generally scrummicking. ;) Before signing out, though, I just want to leave you with this quote.

"It's not their pain you're afraid of; it's yours.... And as frightening as it may be, that pain will make you stronger, if you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it. It will make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the greatest gift we have, to bear their pain without breaking. And it's born from the most human part. Hope. Please...we need you to hope again." ~ Professor Xavier - X-Men, Days of Future Past

Hope is the longest tenable thing.
But it is killable.
But it is God-renewable.
And it's beautiful.

In His grace and love,
~Siân