Meet the Author's Author

Meet the Author's Author
Live for Jesus! That's what matters! That you see the light in me and come along! :)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Defeat or Victory?

Looking around my bedroom, my shoulders slump - yet again.

The last two and a half weeks have been so, so wearying. It's a strange combination of tired joy, as my physical body gets more weary, learning once more to look to the Lord for the strength I need to get through the day on five hours sleep.

And now, tonight, my stepdad just wriggled through all the boxes and bags and more dumped stuff on the floor that, a month ago, was starting to look almost tidy. I sat on the bed, just watching, nearly crying but somehow keeping them back. That seems to be a well-developed habit, how to turn the tap off so it was never there. But it's still sad. He puts Pepsi up next to me because the kid keeps jumping around the floor and getting in the way, before carrying on pulling all the books off the shelves, pulling the bookcase up and over the chest, nearly at a horizontal angle because there's too much stuff in the way. I want to help, but there's not enough room in the messy cramped space to get two people on it.

The feeling of useless helplessness is threatening to drown me, even as I repeatedly offer for him to go out the room and me to do it myself...imagining all the retorts from people - why didn't you do it yourself in the first place...

He finds my phone and hands it up to me. The screen is cracked - on the front, UNDERNEATH the protective cover. I can type in three letters of my sixteen-character password and no more.

Great. No phone. And already more money coming out this month.

More guilt washes over me for the McDonalds and the presents and buying that movie. I really should just stop spending altogether and FOCUS on SAVING. But it's. Hard. I want stuff. Merlin DVDs. Books. Biscuits for colleagues, flowers to brighten days and that occasional McDonalds treat the family to chicken'n'chips for tea. And I so want to send presents and letters overseas like they do for me.

I roll off the ladder and follow him back to the living room, he going for his cuppa tea and me to tap a message on Facebook to warn people not to contact me by phone.

I finish up doing a couple more things and take my laptop back to my room, playing John Waller music and messaging Kathryn while starting to restock the bookshelves.

A little bit of quiet peace starts to flood me as I'm touching the covers of my beloved books. New books, old books, rare books, paperbacks and hardbacks. Nothing like your own little library, and I'm so thankful for each of them...the stories inside, the heroes and heroines of fantasy, faith and history.

There's just one little gap left, so I pick up a book lying a little to the side, remembering the story behind it and my reaction to it when I first held it in my hands.

Flipping open to the inscription, I read it again.

"To Sian, for being the bravest person I know."

The bravest person she knows...she wrote me a book because she didn't know what to say.

I don't feel brave. Right now, I feel like a coward, with my messy life reflected by my messy bedroom. I don't want to get up. There's too much stuff in here and as soon as one thing is cleared, more stuff is thrown in and it's like something crushes the will out of me to try again. It's. Too. Much.

"And I will move ahead, bold and confident..."

I didn't deserve that dedication.

But the least I can do is try to live up to it.
Try to keep fighting.
Keep living for the One Who makes it worthwhile.

"Taking every step in obedience...while I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting..."

Starting with a messy room, I guess.

So pick up the courage I do not have, pray for what must be granted and...

I bend to pick up a doll and a coat.

"I will worship while I'm waiting."

Yours ever in our blessed Lord and Saviour,

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Wondering and Wandering

Recently, I've been watching so many people change, grow away, start courting, get engaged, get married, have their first child - or even their second, and/or go to university, start their job, start a company...

These are people I grew up with, people I knew, people I watched struggle through dark times or watched as they forged a path to their dream...or are still fighting. It feels strange to be on the sidelines, living quietly, watching them now. It is their turn to be the mainplayers on the stage of life.
Watching my friends and acquaintances form a new world...change this current one - both for good and for an evil they cannot even imagine is coming.

And there's me...
Trotting back and forward every day to work, going home, occasionally travelling, starting a project here and an event there, blogging here, posting there, watching the sky, always dreaming and somehow never quite getting done...

Someone can say a word, a phrase, and more and more recently, this song has started playing in my mind...  

Tell me where,
Where is it written
What is it I was meant to be?
That I can't dare...
It all began the day I found..
That from my window I could only see
A piece of sky.
I stepped outside and looked around.
I never dreamed it was so wide
Or even half as high.
The time had come
(Papa, can you hear me?)
To try my wings
(Papa, are you near me?)
And even though it seemed at any moment I could fall,
I felt the most,
(Papa, can you see me?)
Amazing things,
(Can you understand me?)
The things you can't imagine
If you've never flown at all.
Though it's safer to stay on the ground,
Sometimes where danger lies
There the sweetest of pleasures are found.
No matter where I go,
There'll be memories that tug at my sleeve,
But there will also be
More to question, yet more to believe..
Oh tell me where?
Where is the someone who will turn and look at me?
And want to share
My ev'ry sweet-imagined possibility?
The more I live - the more I learn.
The more I learn - the more I realise
The less I know.
Each step I take -
(Papa, I've a voice now!)
Each page I turn -
(Papa, I've a choice now!)
Each mile I travel only means
The more I have to go.
What's wrong with wanting more?
If you can fly - then soar!
With all there is - why settle for
just a piece of sky?
Papa, I can hear you...
Papa, I can see you...
Papa, I can feel you...
Papa, watch me fly!

Wistful words and haunting something...

The desire for more.

I guess I'm the ordinary one.
I wanted to change the world, but in the end, people who never dreamt that they would are and will.

It's my call to be an ordinary dreamer...what will I dream, and will they always be shapeless, half-formed wishes and words?

There's one thing that makes me a step out of the ordinary with a foot in both worlds - I don't crush the half formed dreams with the hard-stepping reality.

His always,

Thursday, April 09, 2015

Independence Day

I've just got home after a ten and a half hour shift at work. It's 9:30pm and I have to be up at 5:30 in the morning. I've not yet eaten and have a bunch of household chores to tend to before I go to sleep - including packing.

Yet I'm happy. And kinda bouncy. And no, it really doesn't have anything to do with the Mars energy drink - that's just the thing propping my eyelids open invisibly.

So what's so utterly enchanting about the pile of freshly air-dried clothing on the kitchen table - apart from it being one of the best smells on God's earth?

Neither the 10.5 hour shift or the 5:30 rising are normal for me - I've spent the whole week living at my brother's house, both cat-sitting and house-sitting, and now tomorrow I'm off to Preston to spend the weekend with my best friend, Steph.

So why the bouncy? Because this week has proved something. I left home with fears and foreboding looming.
I hadn't cooked a meal in pretty much a year.
I'd never hosted a gathering either of friends or family for a meal.
I'm useless at getting out on time in the mornings.
I'm pretty much a couch potato when I get home in the evenings; I collapse exhausted on the sofa and stay there for the rest of the evening, more often than not.
I have never washed clothes for myself, except under Mom's guidance when she had her operation.
Never organised a day around chores, arranged hanging out with people...
Also, there is the loneliness thing. Being half-introvert, half-extrovert means I cope fine with being away from people for a short period of time - but not for a week. I was terribly afraid of feeling lonely.

In short, I was physically and mentally exhausted. And depressed. Convinced that I couldn't handle life on my own and that I would be thoroughly useless at attempting to do so.

This week has, in short, been glorious in that I have a huge self-confidence boost.

The living with meagre things has never been an issue for me - not since I lived on Sam's (my sister's) floor for three months with Mom and Joseph, when Dad locked us out the house. God taught me a huge lesson then in learning to be content with such things as I have, and gave me a deep appreciation for all that surrounds me that is extra - from clothes to bread to shampoo - that I don't have to borrow and is mine. It is given, and can be taken away, but while it is given, it is an immense blessing to be appreciated.

I haven't done a lot of the stuff I was planning to do. I wanted to catch up on shows (talking of which, I started and am up-to-date with Poldark - that's pretty good! and the new Thunderbirds is awesome ;) ), watch more Doctor Who, clear Facebook, reduce emails, arrange hangouts, chat more, curl up and rest.

And I am MEGA tired. Don't get me wrong. :D

And yes, of course I miss home.

But then...

The daily texts off my brother checking in on me, the daily phone calls with Mom and making sure they were all okay, the daily interaction with my sister and getting to spend time together - it's been such a blessing. I love my family, broken, flawed as they are - as I am. They are a gift from God to me, even when we hurt each other and forget that we're just human and hurt them too.

Highlights I will treasure from this week:

The knowledge that I can, now, live and act independently.
Getting up on time every morning - even if I haven't got to Sam's for exactly 6:30, it's not been far off either side.
Cooking meals
Planning a day ahead, knowing what needs to be done when
Washing my clothes
Getting into a routine of living
Money monitoring

Saturday: Washing my hair, running down the shop to buy food, spending the whole afternoon with Sam, Darren, Ayanna, Marian and her family on Saturday...that was really special for me. Thank you for that, Sam for arranging it and taking me, Marian for letting me come, Darren for driving, Ed for cooking, Ayanna for giving me so much demanding fun...and nursing practice...

Sunday: Getting to the bus stop and onto the bus for 7:12, to reach the station at 7:45 and realise there was no train until 9:08...altering plans to go back home...thank you, Mom, for giving me a lift into church, for feeding me and driving me back here - I really appreciate that! - my sister calling to check on me and chat...McDonalds breakfast - haha! - getting to church on Easter Sunday and watching Jesus of Nazareth in the afternoon - being able to call my twin to apologise to him for being mean and chatting about his day...

Monday: Going to the cinema with Sam, Darren and Ayanna to watch Cinderella - thanks for allowing me to come and for the fun we had - oh, and thank you, Sam, for finding the last creme egg in store for me to eat!
The photoshoot with Chris in the afternoon...getting to cheer him up...buying batteries and big tubs of icecream and sitting on top of the Beacon, watching the sunset as we ate it...
Finishing up Poldark in the evening. :P

Tuesday: Hehe...what good to say about the first day back at work! Except that I love my job, getting to drive into work with my sister in the mornings has been a huge blessing, both in quality time and in actually starting work early to get more done, as this week has been so heavily pressured...
Dropping in to spend time with Ayanna on the way home from work as she went to bed...
Watching The Hunger Games...

Wednesday: Remembering to take the cheesecake out of the freezer, getting to talk about Christ and heaven with Sam...the wonderful coffees she makes first thing in the morning...coming in from work and being able to cook a tasty meal for (thankfully late!) guests (thanks for that!) including a dessert, decorated table, and a film together afterwards...
And starting the washing. And Mom helping me with the dishwasher. And stuff. :D

Thursday: is my last day. I've just brought the fresh-smelling washing in, and now it's 10pm and I have to pack, clean the house, clean out the cats' tea - I keep forgetting that one... ;)
Today has been such a blessing; making two new friends while training them, so thankful for Jasmine's help with coding and a good manager to redistribute a heavy workload, remembering during the middle of raging over a twice-returned project to "do all things without grumbling and complaining", thankful for Atul and Kwesi making the overtime so easy and passing so quickly, thankful for getting to speak to Ash's baby daughter on the phone, even if she did go all shy on me...checking in with Mom tonight...

And you know what, I'm pretty sure it gets routine. Maybe like the adventure of boarding a plane, if it happens every day...or like any part of living. But it's new for me, and I can see the small things and it's so rewarding.

I know I can _live_ and _be thankful_ and _be joyful_.
I know I can live _alone_ and _it's not going to cause something to die inside me_. I feared what must happen later in life when the parents pass away, so much. And now I know my joy does not depend on my not being alone, because with God, family and friends, I am never alone.
And this week, I've been so blessed to remember that.
I hope and pray it's brought me closer to the Father, in some ways. And a step closer to healing.

In Him,
Ever yours,